Dirt

Hide

    The room filled up with empty silence as the car engine rumbled outside in a low menacing growl. The rumble of the motor caused me to tremble even from the road, and whatever intuition I had told me that something was awry. I eyed Trevor as he tiptoed towards the crooked blinds lining the frontward-facing window and gazed though them with a squint in his eyes.
    I carefully observed his facial expression though it was difficult to make sense of it because it remained mostly blank. After seconds dragged on into minutes that felt as though they were hours I watched his brows furrow into a disheartening frown. He back away from the glass slowly and gestured for me to come to him, which I did as quickly as I could without making a sound.
    His teeth were clenched as he spoke to me in heated whispers, “It’s just a bunch of cock-sucking motherfuckers from another business, it’s nothing I can’t handle but they can’t know you’re in here though or else they might get some funny ideas about using you against me.”
    By the tone of what he had said to me I could tell I was the only thing stopping him from busting out the heavy artillery and going completely insane on whoever dared come to his humble abode at this hour of the night. It was nice to know that he cared enough about me not to disregard my life for the sake of some intensified bloodlust.
    With a tingling sensation in my chest I asked, “Is there anything I can do?” knowing that I in fact could do nothing helpful at this moment in time. The question was simply posed so that I might have another few moments with him before potential disaster.
    “Hide.” Was all he told me before shoving me towards the bedroom closet and pulling a gun from a kitchen cabinet high on the wall. I once again felt the same terrible anxieties about guns and their implications, but to top that off I was also incredibly worried for Trevor’s life.
    As I sat myself in the corner of the cramped rectangular box akin to a coffin and shut the door behind myself I could only feel paralyzing fear for him and little to none for myself. There was something about the idea of dying like this that I found highly exciting but if Trevor were to die and no one took notice of me hiding then I would consequently have to go back to how things were prior.
    I knew that what I was thinking would sound absolutely terrible if put into speech, ‘I would rather die than go home and continue with my life,’ there wasn’t actually much wrong with my life to the naked eye, and many would criticize me for saying so. But in that moment of crippling fear as I huddled in a ball with splintered wood jabbing at by backside these were my thoughts and I could not escape them.
    I wanted more than anything to run out of the trailer and stop whatever was about to happen, I would say, ‘Don’t you see? We’re all human beings, we’re one in the same, can’t we all just get along?’ and everyone would begin to cry and hug each other and give up their lives of violence and crime. At least that’s what would happen in the screenplay of my life where everything was fine and dandy.
    And yet all I could do was sit and tremble and wish death upon myself for strange and selfish reasons. I felt completely sick to my stomach and claustrophobic, and this could have either been caused by the limited space I was hiding in or the limitations I would face if and when I had to return home.
    Once again, as it seemed to be becoming a daily occurrence, I found myself bawling my eyes out like a little girl, or a fully grown girl with no control over her emotions. I buried my face into my palms so that I could see no more of the light creeping through the closet doors and onto my body, but this simply wasn’t enough to comfort me.
    I heard the trailer door both open and close and awaited sounds of horrific acts of violence from outside. I had never in my life been within listening distance of acts such as these, and though I had seen every horror film and serial killer documentary known to man none could immunize me to experiencing it first hand.
    It was then that sharp pops resonated through the trailer and into my ears, there was no escaping it even when I pressed my hands to the sides of my head with all of my strength, it made it’s way into my mind no matter how hard I tried to keep it out. There were plenty of them, one after the other with little room for silence in between, and with each air splitting crack I found myself crying harder.
    I had the odd impression that I would forever be stuck in this state, curled into a human ball in a cramped cupboard listening to shot after shot of pure senseless hatred. It may as well have been an eternity because it felt like exactly that; I was trapped not only in this box but in my own head, sinking into a mixture of darkest emotions.
    The noise slowed to a stop, and for a short while I heard nothing but the sound of my own broken sobs. In my mind everyone was gone, far away or ceasing to exist completely, and I was completely and utterly alone. I saw no issue with staying there forever, hidden away in the closet and never having to return to anything I had ever known. Here was better than anywhere else I could have imagined at the moment.
    I wished to myself that no one would ever find me there and as I did I was interrupted by the hard aluminum smash of the trailer door being forced open. For a second I hoped whoever it was may simply shoot me on the spot if I were found, not even considering the possibility of Trevor’s survival.
    Of course I was wrong in ignoring this outcome, and felt somewhat guilty for doubting him. I recognized him immediately by his heavy breathing and the sound of his footsteps, before he  even called out to me, “Nora, get your shit together, we’re leaving.”
    Though this words echoed throughout the trailer I simply couldn’t bring myself to move. I wiped away the mess that was my face after all of my tears before he could open the door and grab me by the arm and pull me out with a sharp tug that caused a twist in my shoulder.
    It was quite painful but I did not reveal that to Trevor, not wanted to put any excess stress on him or allow him to think I had a poor excuse for pain tolerance. I must have looked an absolute mess from all the pitiful brooding but he did not seem to notice, continuing to pull me forward until I was out of the bedroom completely.
    Finally he turned to face me, eyes wild with an excitement I couldn’t understand, “Don’t worry, I took care of everything, but it’ll only be a matter of time until some of their inbred fuck-faced friends come looking for them. We’re just gonna lie low, alright? The only reason I give a shit is because you’re here, otherwise I’d just wait things out here with a grenade launcher.” At this he laughed somewhat maniacally, causing my stomach to churn.
    There was an air of giddiness to him that frightened me profoundly even though he did in fact want to protect me. I detected within him an overwhelming pride in whatever he had just done to whoever was outside his house. The tender feelings I had for Trevor were still somewhere deep within me but what immediately occupied my mind at this time was nothing but fear.
    Trevor did not seem to notice the horrific state of emotional wreckage I was in, but this could have been due to the gravity of the situation at hand; regardless it left me feeling slightly disturbed, “The front lawn’s a mess but don’t worry about it, we’ll be out of here soon. Just get your shit together.” He told me quickly before ushering me towards the open door.
    I stood frozen to the spot, unable to face whatever lied just beyond that doorway. I had never seen a dead body before, I had never experienced anything like this in my entire 21 years on this earth and I simply was not ready to accept that this was the day all of it would come to light in one enormous mess of blood and chaos.
    “Come on, what the fuck are you waiting for?” He asked impatiently before there was a sudden and immediate change in his tone of voice, as if gentleman Trevor had abruptly shoved psychotic Trevor to the side, “You’re okay, right?”
    I nodded unconvincingly, giving him a pathetic excuse for a smile. And there it was, the Trevor from this evening, the change was evident in every aspect of his being: posture, gaze, voice. He took a step towards me, “I did what I had to do. I know you’re scared but this is not the fucking time; just trust me.”
    I did trust him. I trusted in him unconditionally, and I knew with some certainty that this would be to my detriment. I took his hand in mine with eyes threatening to water and took a deep breath, “I trust you.” We smiled at each other, this time with sincerity, and I knew from that moment on that whatever fate I had, if fate in fact existed, had been sealed.