Dirt

Little Trevors

    I passed the three bouncers that had accompanied Trevor as I made my way to the backdoor of the bar. It seemed to me that each was bigger and more hideous than the next and as I pushed my back against the wall to squeeze past them they each gave me a very dumbfounded look, either because they were incredibly rude or incredibly stupid.
    The exit sign was a beacon of guiding light in an otherwise black hall with a soggy carpeted walkway I knew was soggy just by how it felt underneath my shoes. With arms outstretched I found the metal bar I had to push to leave this dreadful place, and made my way into the dimly lit alleyway between the back of the bar we were in and the back of a night club adjacent to it.
    It took a minute for me to see him, and for a moment my heart jolted at the thought that he may have simply left me right there and then. He was leaning against the grey-bricked wall blending into the grey garbage bags, pavement and dumpster that enveloped him. His face was cupped in his hands and his elbows rested on his knees so that he resembled an oddly shaped triangle.
    I walked to him slowly, and though in the silence of the lonely alleyway I knew he could hear me coming towards him I still made sure that my feet touched the ground as lightly as possible. I brought myself to my knees beside him and found myself a seat on the litter covered asphalt; I was completely unsure of what I wanted to say to him, or what could even be said.
    I brought my hand to his arm, gripping it gently, “Trevor?” I watched him with eyes half squinted trying to catch a glimpse at the face hidden behind his fingers so that I might be able to determine something about his state of mind and most importantly, whether he was still feeling bitter about me.
    “What do you want?” His voice was low and somber in a tone I had never heard from him before; he almost sounded as though he had been defeated in some way.
    “Let’s leave now.” It took him about a minute to finally pry his face from his own palms but when he did he finally met my gaze and did not avert his eyes from mine. I smiled at him, not because I felt that I had to but because I truly wanted and needed to; I did not care if he planned on smiling back or not.
    Trevor did not smile back at me but instead he let out an exaggerated sigh before bringing himself to his feet and offering me a hand to help me up. This was all I needed from him, a response and nothing more. I would make sure not to let go of his hand after arriving at a standing position so that he would not have the opportunity to separate himself from me once again.
    I led him out of the alley and across the street to the tasteless gold gilded doors of our temporary home. He seemed to drag his feet along the way as if prolonging his return to the inevitability of what had become of our relationship. I kept my eyes on the ground, watching our two pairs of scuffed shoes moving in synchronization with each other.
    When we reached our room he pulled the key from his pocket and held it out for me to be left with the task of opening the door, I assumed in doing so he wanted to plant some feelings of guilt into my brain. I did indeed feel guilty, I had felt guilty since the moment I abandoned my companions my first night in Los Santos, and so, without further ado, I unlocked the door.
    Once inside for the first time in my life I was completely unable to control myself; it was no longer wanting to touch every inch of Trevor but needing to. At first he made very feeble efforts to push me away, allowing my lips to slide across his but not quite kissing back, and allowing me to grasp at his neck and back but keeping his hands pressed onto my stomach to gauge the distance between us. Soon after I could no longer feel any resistance from him, on the contrary he began to kiss and grasp back much to my liking.
    When I urgently tugged at the band of his sweatpants he grabbed my wrists momentarily but with hardly enough force to stop me from proceeding to pull them further down his legs and eventually he let go of them completely. The same occurred when I made an attempt to pull off my shirt; it was only for a number of seconds that he clenched the bottom of my top before simply letting it go as I pressed myself to his chest and kissed at his neck.
    After I had managed to get him to shed all of his clothing and I had done the same I pulled him by both arms to the bed where he more than willingly made love to me. This time I was the one telling him I loved him, repeatedly and failing to hide some of the desperation in my voice. He quieted me by pressing his mouth to my own but I made sure to tell him again as soon as our lips parted.
    This time I was the one clinging to him with every fibre of my being, finding it almost painful to feel the air-conditioned air on any part of me that wasn’t touching him. I made sure to catch his glance any time we managed to part slightly and shift our bodies but it simply wasn’t enough for me to look into his eyes, I wanted to enter them completely.
    We went at this for some time and though at first I still felt an air of detachment in his eyes by the end he had transformed into the same Trevor he had been the night we had met; madness and all. Afterward, once we both managed to steady our breathing, we lied together in total silence, neither one of us wanting to ruin the last string of passion that hung in the air.
    I almost couldn’t bear knowing that this was the last time we would be together like this, and it took me 10 minutes before I was able to find my voice, “You know, we could be like this forever. Like, just drive off to Mexico in the morning and forget about everything else, move to a small town and you could start a whole new business selling drugs to American fools, and then once the business gets going we could hire people to do all of the work and then settle down and make tiny, little Trevors and let them grow up to do whatever they want most in life.”
    Trevor cleared his throat and exhaled, turning to face me with a sunken grin and weary eyes, “Would you actually do that?”
    The tone of seriousness in his voice cause my heart to skip a beat, “No- Well, I mean, I’d love to but I just can’t. I mean, it’s not very practical for either of us… Would you?” I asked.
    “Yes.” He replied simply. His response surprised me. I had always thought that Trevor had been tied to the life he can built for himself here; I had no idea he would have given it up so quickly, “I don’t know about the part with the little Trevors thing, but other than that, yeah.” He chuckled almost lightheartedly.
    I rested my head on his chest, “I suppose one is more than enough.” I laughed and listened to his heartbeat slowly settle and regain a normal pace, as I did I traced figure-eights onto his stomach.
    “Can I ask you about something?” His heart rate sped up slightly as he spoke. I told him that he could ask me anything; I no longer felt the need to hide thoughts from either him or myself. “What is your family like?”
    The question, like most of his questions, caught me off guard. It was the thing that I held dearest to my heart and that had pulled at strings of my soul during the entirety of my vacation. Though his inquiry jostled my nerves I was more excited than anything to answer him; my home life was something I had never discussed even with my so called companions.
    I leaned my head back so that I could face him, “Well when I’m not at school I live with my mom. I have an older sister but she moved out a long time ago, and I have a dad but I don’t see him very often; my parents separated when I was 4. But mostly it’s just been me and my mom, we do a lot together but I spend most of my time alone even though I miss her terribly whenever I’m away from her. It’s as if I only want to be with her when I can’t, but I guess that’s human nature.”
    “You miss her now?” He asked me in a monotone manner, the look on his face appeared utterly quizzical as if I were giving him a class lecture on average family behaviour and he were simply trying to grasp it.
    “Yes.” I did not care to ask him about his family life, not that I wasn’t intrigued about it. It was too late in time now to bring up old wounds and I knew I had already done enough damage to an already damaged mind.
    We rested for a while without saying a word, simply enjoying each other’s company while it was still possible to. I tried to form the clearest of memories in my mind, tracing every inch of the room, every inch of him, in purest detail in my mind’s eye. I wanted to make sure I could keep this image forever and never have it subjected to hazy fading as many memories often are subjected to if not properly preserved. And though I felt as though my being was being torn in two by uncontrollable gravitational forces I still felt happy even through my incredible sadness.
    “I’m going to miss you Trevor.” I told him with a lazy tongue, on the verge of loosing consciousness. He responded by kissing my forehead and telling me to go to sleep.