Asterisk*

Tests and Trials*

*In the damaging system of school

Karma is a bitch,

Even if you don't deserve it.

You can't be happy

Until you're s

a

d

!

Apollo

The first thing I did when I came to college was tell myself I wasn't going to get pushed around. I was done being that person. Going with the flow is not the same as drowning in the flow, thrashing in the waves trying to find a way out, flailing my arms around only to sink deeper. I was here to make something of myself. One day, I was going to help put people in jail and take them out at the same time. Putting myself in metaphorical jail was nowhere in that process, yet it happened anyways.

I've been studying as hard as I could for years now. I wanted to be at the top. Not because my parents forced me to or because I wanted to be the best, but because I felt like I had to be. The school system is composed of teachers always pushing you to be the best. Counselors preaching how high school was either the beginning or the end. Tests upon tests for you to prove yourself, numbers and words being the sole deciding factor of your future. Admissions and applications, childhood innocence robbed from day one. There's no end in sight, only more assignments and the lies that you have to tell yourself to go through them. Red ink embedded into your blood. Days of dealing with the early morning stress and the late nighters to complete your assignments. You'll hear that you'll fail. And you will fail. The school system fails everyone, no matter how hard you try.

There's only so many rules you can have for yourself because it's guaranteed the school system will break them. Don't cry over school. Don't stay awake too long. Don't ever, ever, feel like you don't deserve it because you worked so fucking hard for this. All of these rules, these systems inside systems, they vanish, just like the innocence inside of us does.

They say enjoy it, life is short. That one day we'll come back and miss everything we had as a kid; where the world was simple and seemed so full of joy. But the truth is, we've never had that. 'Grow up,' they say. 'The next grade will be harder. You won't be able to handle it. They won't be as nice as I was.' Truth is, we've never had that innocence. It's been taken away from us before we ever even had it. Gone, broken, crushed somewhere under a trash can and thrown out the second they found it.

In Kindergarten, we learn about lockdowns. We learn that there's people out there who want to do bad things to us. There's people out there who want to hurt us. The best thing we can do in that situation is sit silently with knees tucked into our torsos. After that, we learn about school shooters. That one day someone sitting right next to us might want to kill us all. Go 'fuck 'em' and blow all of our heads off.

I have spent my entire life trying to master the system. Being smart doesn't necessarily mean you'll succeed. You can be smart as hell and spend your entire life struggling to keep up with the rest of the class. There's a system in place, and you either learn how to work it or you don't. Do what they want you to do, say what they want you to say. You either follow these rules or you're getting hurt.

I worked so hard to fit in these rules, cramping myself into them like one would do in a too small shoe. Every day I'm reminded that I have to do better. I have to be better. I let myself live for one second, and I end up wilting. End up feeling like I'm fucked for life now.