Holden POV:
When did I start thinking stupid things like that, and why, with him? I sighed looking down at the math worksheet we were assigned, half the page already filled in. I set down my pencil and leaned back in my desk chair. I pulled out my phone seeing a notification from Eli. I turned it off and set it down. "What am I gonna do" I mumbled. I never thought I was a homosexual. I've never dated or felt attracted to men in my life, but Eli, there's something about him. I groaned and crashed in my bed. I gripped my lizard plushie and squeezed it. I pulled my phone back out of my pocket ignoring the message from Eli. I went to google and hit incognito, "Am I gay if I like my best friend?" I typed in. I clicked on the Quora forum "Having a crush on another male is in fact homosexual feelings, I have had a crush on some of my male friends before and I asked some of my other friends about having crushes on their male friends before, they all replied with no. I was confused and I never thought I was a homosexual. It has been awhile since then and i've realized I am in fact a homosexual. Having a crush on your friend most likely means you're also a homosexual." I closed the tab and shut off my phone. "I am not a fucking homosexual I just find Eli attractive" I thought. "He's probably not even gay" I sigh. "Why, why the fuck with him. If I was just born a girl then maybe this could've been normal" I sigh. "Holden! Dinnertime" my parents call out. "Coming!" I shove my phone back in my pocket and head downstairs. I go and sit at the dinner table. We were having spaghetti. "Thanks" I say before digging in. It was fairly quiet throughout dinner and after we were finished my father turns on the news. "-Thank you for that, in other news today is national coming out day, 1.6 million youth are homeless each year and 40% of them identify as LGBTQ" "Serves them right for being faggots" My dad scoffed, I look over at him. "I'm so glad we have a normal son and not a queer." My mother said. "R-right" I nod. They continue to watch the news and I silently go back to my room. "Their right" I mumble. "Being gay isn't normal, at least for me it isn't." I go to plug in my phone and set it down. "Fucking hell" I say before I drift off to sleep. I groan shutting off my alarm. "Stupid school" I mumbled grabbing some random clothes from my drawer. I slip them on and stuff my phone in my pocket and my unfinished math work in my bag. My parents had already left for work, I grab a poptart pack and head for school. I hop on the bus "Hey Holden over here" Eli says patting the seat next to him. "Thanks dude" I say sliding in. "No problem." Eli slides his headphones back on. I stare at him for awhile. I never noticed how perfect his black curly hair was, it falls perfectly on his handsome face. His eyes a perfect chocolate brown. I feel my face start to heat up and I look away. "I'm not a homosexual" I remind myself. We arrive at Rehab HS and get off the bus. I enter the building and head to my english class. Thank god Eli isn't here, I can't stand to look at him any longer. I find a spot next to Kenny whose doodling something on their paper. "Hey Holden" "Heya Kenny" "Alright class settle down. Today we will analyze the poem 'For the Goddess Too Well Known' by Elsa Gidlow, I will start handing out worksheets and expect a paragraph analysis for each paragraph of this poem." Mr. Grey said. He had left the poem worksheet on top of his desk and sat down. "Hey Holden go grab me a sheet i'm too lazy to grab my own." "No fuck you, you go grab me one" "Frick you" They said while getting up to grab us papers. "Dude this poem is fricken gay". I snatch the poem from their hand and read it.
'I have robbed the garrulous streets,
Thieved a fair girl from their blight,
I have stolen her for a sacrifice
That I shall make to this night.
I have brought her, laughing,
To my quietly dreaming garden.
For what will be done there
I ask no man pardon.
I brush the rouge from her cheeks,
Clean the black kohl from the rims
Of her eyes; loose her hair;
Uncover the glimmering, shy limbs.
I break wild roses, scatter them over her.
The thorns between us sting like love's pain.
Her flesh, bitter and salt to my tongue,
I taste with endless kisses and taste again.
