Adorable

Chapter 20 | Nightmares and Enemies

I sat hunched over the toilet, hyperventilating. Not a great place to be at six in the morning, but I'd been retching for hours. I had had another nightmare last night- this morning- whatever you want to call it. But I was trying not to think about that.

I had been hoping I could pull it together for school. But the second I stood up and walked back into my room, Ro took one look at me and paled a little.

"Keefe..." she started.

I sighed. "Okay." I sat down on my bed. I happened to catch a glance of myself in the mirror, and Ro's reaction made sense. I was practically translucent I was so pale, and my skin had a slight greenish tint. I was covered in a sheen of sweat, and my hair was tangled and slicked down with grease. I could never show up at school like this. Sophie would freak.

But thinking of Sophie was a mistake. Her face flashed in my mind- and not the way she had looked at that sleepover last night. No. The way she had looked in my dream. And I couldn't hold back the flashbacks any longer.

In my mind, I was faced with a choice. I had watched my mom blast all my friends with a melder, one after another, with me tied helpless to the wall. Biana. Then Linh. Then Tam. Then she asked Fitz if he had any last words. His hand was wrapped up in Sophie's. He turned to her and told her he loved her. She told him she loved him too, and then they kissed. Then Mom blasted Fitz, knocking Sophie onto the floor. I screamed, but I couldn't do anything. Until my evil mother walked over and untied me from the chair. Then she helped me up and gave me a hug. When she pulled back, she handed me the melder.

Keefe. You know what you need to do. I shook my head wildly. She just looked at me. Do it, Keefe. Fulfill your legacy. Make me proud. Prove that you are not worthless.

But I am. I am worthless. The only thing that keeps me going is Sophie. And now I was being told to kill her. But then I remembered Sophie kissing Fitz. I didn't have her anymore either. My mom was the only family I had left. The only person who loved me. So I took the melder.

My dream usually stops here. But this time, it continues. I pull the trigger with my eyes trained on Sophie's terrified and betrayed face. And then, when it hits her... she goes limp, her eyes blanking over. She crumples in a heap on the floor, her empty eyes still locked on mine.

Good job, Keefe. I'm so proud of you. I love you.

I jolt upright. It takes me several seconds to clear my head and realize that I'm still sitting on my bed. Ro is standing over me, yelling in my face. I can see her lips moving, but I can't hear anything. The rushing in my ears is deafening. Then my eyes focus a little more and notice my dad standing on my other side. His expression is almost... worried? This confuses me enough to snap me out of whatever trance I'm in. I shake my head vigorously and can finally hear Ro's voice. Oh yay.

"Keefe! Keefe, can you hear me? What on earth happened?"

I look at her. "You can stop blowing my ears off, Ro. I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You've been screaming and thrashing for ten minutes straight. Then you went so still I couldn't tell if you were breathing. Do you remember anything?"

I remember far too much. I know I will never get that vivid dream out of my mind. So I just nod. "Nightmares. I'm fine now."

"Elwin is on his way. He needs to check you out. You look... bad."

I sigh. Of course I do. I just killed the only person I've ever loved after watching her kiss my best friend. Just then, the door opens and Elwin rushes in.

"Oh good, you're conscious. When Cassius called me they couldn't get you to wake up. How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

He obviously didn't believe me. Which makes sense, because it was the most ridiculous lie I've ever told. I feel like I just got smashed into a space the size of a piece of dust, then stretched a mile wide, then chopped into tiny bits. I feel like I just died. Like I should be dead.

"Really. Nothing hurts. Nothing you can fix, anyway." I couldn't meet his eyes.

"I can help. Here, take these." He handed me several elixirs.

"What for?"

"Take the edge of your emotions, ease some of that panic, slow your pulse... that sort of thing."

"Sedatives?"

"No sedatives. Do you want them?"

"No. Thank you." I took the medicines, barely noticing the taste. They helped a lot. My vision cleared, and I straightened up. I hadn't realized how hard it had been to breathe. Everything felt clearer and more secure. Whole again. But I knew it wasn't real.

"How long until these wear off?" I asked Elwin.

"I gave you a large dose. Should be no less than twenty-four hours. I'd say probably more like thirty."

Good. At least a day. "It helps a lot, thanks."

He looked at me sadly. "Want to talk about the nightmares?"

I did. But the words wouldn't leave my mouth. If I even thought about it, they'd come flooding back. "I can't."

He nodded. "Let me know if you change your mind. You should probably rest-" He must have seen the panicked expression on my face. "What's wrong?"

"I can't. I can't sleep. I can't do that again."

"Perhaps a sedat-"

"No. I tried some of dad's slumberberry tea once. All it did was trap me and make them last longer." I shuddered involuntarily.

"What about the kind Sophie takes, that gives you happy dreams?"

"Tried those too. It didn't do anything."

"Nothing?"

"No. Why?"

"Those are very strong. They should have worked."

"Well, they knocked me out. But my dreams were... not happy."

Elwin frowned. "I'll talk to Livvy, see if we can come up with something. But you need sleep."

"No. Not like that. I can't. I just... can't."

"Okay..." He looked reluctant. "If you're physically fine, I'll go talk to her now. Here's these if I can't be back by tomorrow." He set down another batch of the medicine on Keefe's table, then gave him one last long look and left.

Lord Cassius followed him out, and Ro sat next to him on the bed. "Want to talk?"

I hesitated. "I can't tell you everything."

"I know. Just however much you want to."

"I... I did it this time. And... the dream didn't stop." I couldn't say any more than that, but she understood. She put a hand on my back, but I turned away. I couldn't help it. I felt bad about it- she was just trying to help. But an armed ogre wasn't the best person to comfort me. The only person who could-

A knock sounded softly at the door. "Keefe?"

I jolted upright, forgetting the state I was it. "Sophie?" No doubt about it, that was her voice. "C-come in!"

The door creaked open the rest of the way, but standing in the doorway wasn't Sophie. It was my mom.

A/N Comment if you hate me. Comment if you still love me. I'm sorry.