rough ashes ;; johnlock

Chapter thirteen

how can I love
when I'm
afraid
a.n

<THIRD OERSON>

He would sometimes wake up screaming, screaming for someone to run, sobbing for someone to wake up, mourning for those of the dead.

He would wake up screaming for his mother to run, he would sob for John to wake up, he would mourn for his father.

And John would be there, not just to comfort him, but to hold him, hold him together whilst he slowly fell apart. John kissed his hair, his jaw, his cheeks, his lips. He kissed the scars on his hands, on his wrists, the tears in his eyes.

And Sherlock just breathes, not because he wants to, because he wants to love John, because he wants to stay swimming along the surface for him. Most of the time he clutches John as if he would never let him go.

There were days he didn't

"Hey Sherlock, it's alright, it's okay, I'm here."

"Get away from he you, you, psychopath!" he wailed in distress, still under the illusion John was dead.

"Sherlock it's okay, you were simple just dreaming, I'm John." said John, his voice quavering slightly.

"SHUT UP!" he screamed " John's dead, John Watson is dead and you killed him." He pointed at John. His sobs were getting dangerous, and he was sweating, his hair slick.

"You're dreaming Sherlock, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER."

"No don't fuck with me, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE, YOU KILLED HIM AND HE'S STAYING DEAD."

"Sherl-"

There was a sharp pain on his jaw that ached with any movement that involved the mouth. Sherlock was now standing up, the dark circles under his eyes black and blue, and his pals fist near his ear.
He dropped his fist, and sighed.

"I'm so sorry John. Fuck, oh my..."

"It's okay-" he began quietly, still taken back by te fact Sherlock had just punched him.

"Not it's not okay." he said, his voice calm with anger, "You need to say away from me John. I'm a hazard to you."

But I want to help you. John thought, I love you.

"I'm sorry John."

"I am too."

"No honestly, I'm sorry for all the hurt, stress I've ever caused you. I'm sorry for the heavily laid burden I've done to you. I'm sorry for loving you. I'm sorry John, and I love you."

"Likewise."

"Will you ever say it?"

"Say what?"

"You love me, like to me, my face in verbal communication."

"There will be a time and place."

"Okay. But I do love you."

"If you ever loved me, will you promise you won't ever leave me. You'll stay strong, for me."

"I can't -"

"Please Sherlock, if you ever loved me, stay with me."

"Okay, I promise."

"You better Sherlock, because without you, I am nothing."

"To me you are everything. With me or without."

AN: guys you awesome okay
love ya'll
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