Confidence is Silent: The Fight to Happiness, Freedom, and Love.

Chapter 3: Spinning: POV Blaine

TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

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"Blaine! Blaine!!! Blaine!!!" Blaine could hear the screams of his mother become fainter and fainter as he continued to sink down and down into the unending depths of the ocean. He wanted nothing in life and was too angry, and sad to consider swimming up to the surface, he just wanted to sink. BEEP... BEEP...BEEP.

Blaine awoke from his dream to his 6 am alarm, which he promptly rolled over and snoozed. He laid there feeling melancholy after having that dream. Some days were harder than others, but he took a deep breath and sat up knowing he had a busy day and needed to catch a shower. He showered and dressed in navy blue tight dress pants, a white belt, and a white dress shirt, with his favorite pair of brown dress shoes. He put some product in his hair to keep his curls bouncy and put on his gold glasses. It was now a month into the semester, and everything had been going well for Blaine Anderson, everything was operating as it should. He was as happy as one could be and even decided to help with some of the upcoming homecoming festivities so he could appear to be more of a team player. Sometimes he would have moments where he swore he was a psychopath because he did everything with the thought of trying to impress other people and maintain his image, but he knew he wasn't soulless, just focused on getting by. He was becoming more and more anxious that he wouldn't be good enough for graduate schools, and the modern job market. But he tried to remind himself that he was doing everything he could to be perfect and that as long as he stayed focused, he would be fine.

He was ready to go and grabbed his backpack and decided to take the long walk to campus. He went to the library and checked his email to see if anyone had signed up for tutoring. Now that the semester was underway, he knew more students would start to sign up, especially because he tutored accounting 101 which did not always click with the art students and was one of the harder freshman classes. He opened his laptop and an email popped up from the tutoring registration site. He saw that Kurt Hummel had signed up for tutoring with him at 7 pm today. He wasn't particularly happy that someone had signed up for his last session of the day but knew it would help him get a good paycheck and quickly dismissed the complaint. He read through Kurt's information, learning he was a freshman majoring in fashion design with a minor in business. And added him to his schedule.

By the time he got to his internship at 9 am he had already completed his assignments for the next couple of days and got together his meeting information for Alpha Kappa Psi. He was on a roll, and before he knew it the day had already left him.

It was nearing 6 pm, so he went to grab a green juice and wait for his new student. The tutors could select a designated building to meet their students in and Blaine had chosen the business building because that's where he spent most of his time and because it was the nicest one on campus. The building was architecturally beautiful. It was nothing but glass and faced the west and backed up to the east, so the sunlight would carry through at all times of the day. Blaine sat down at his favorite corner table so he could face the door and look out the window to his left and enjoy the sunset. It was the quiet moments in the business building where he could just enjoy being, they were his favorite in the day. He was honestly still a sensitive person although it never appeared to anyone else.

While watching the sunset and the colors change in the sky, he got to thinking about how sad it was that he had decided to live the way he did. He had chosen to never have a love life because it kept him focused on being the mild-mannered and contained person that would allow him to please his family and work towards a life in which he could live without financial worries. He had chosen to live as though he was placed on earth to only work. He never had close friends, just people he could call friends on the surface. He never went to parties, or concerts, and rarely sang, which he had loved to do in high school. His moment of reflection returned him to that state of melancholy and sadness that always caught up with him at the end of the day. He was hurt and sad that he had chosen this way of life, that really wasn't living, but he knew it was the least risky and kept him safe, and he would have to get over himself. His thoughts were interrupted when he saw a guy walking towards him.

The guy approached him looking nervous and Blaine instantly recognized him. Ocean. He was the young freshman with the ocean blue eyes he had helped to the dining hall on the first day of the semester. He could never fully seem to forget his eyes.

"Hi, are you Blaine Anderson?" Blaine stood up and reached his hand out, "Hello, yes, my name is Blaine, and I take it you are Kurt?"

Kurt seemed a little taken aback and said nervously, "Why hello, and yes my name is Kurt, Kurt Hummel."

Blaine couldn't help but be a little overwhelmed by those blue eyes but knew it was just like any other tutoring job and he would be fine. "Well Mr. Hummel, it's so nice to meet you. Would you like to take a seat and get started?" Blane asked like a typical gentleman.

"yes, and you can call me Kurt. Mr. Hummel is my father." Blaine could tell that Kurt was nervous and gave him a small smile as they sat down.

Blaine always began his time with a new tutee by introducing himself to make the student feel more comfortable. "So, I am a senior here at CBU majoring in Business. I enjoy football and tutoring. So, what do you need help with?"

Kurt began to describe what he needed help with and as he did so Blaine started to feel a feeling that he hadn't felt in years; it was the feeling of a flutter. He knew it had to have been Kurt's eyes, or the complexion of his skin that looked so soft, or his round and full pink lips that were moving. Blaine could feel himself flutter and instantly knew this wasn't a good idea.

Blaine proceeded to talk to Kurt about what he needed to improve on in his accounting class and then said, "Well Kurt, you have quite a lot to work on, usually I don't do weekly tutoring in this time slot, it usually for those students who have a test and need a one-time study buddy, but if you can't work with my schedule I understand. There are plenty of other tutors who can work with you." He knew he was giving himself an out. He had worked too hard to have a young gorgeous freshman distract him. He knew that the boy may not even be gay and even if he was, may never like him like that but he just couldn't risk it.

Kurt responded with a hint of disappointment in his voice saying, "Oh. Well, I actually selected this time just because it allowed me a break before coming to tutoring. But I can work out my schedule and look into different times. I would much prefer you, just because, well...

Kurt paused a moment and Blaine could see him get slightly more nervous "I remember how helpful you were in the dining hall that day, and well, I know it's probably weird of me to remember that, but it was so nice of you. So yeah, I'm sorry for being weird, if me bringing that up was weird, and now I'm just rambling. Sorry about that."

Blaine knew he would hate himself for doing it, but he went ahead and just said it, "Oh that's not weird at all Kurt. I'm sorry I never asked you your name that day. You know, because you're a nice kid, how about we just keep this time every week till the semesters over. Tuesdays at 7 pm sound good?"

Kurt was surprised at the offer and said, "Oh, you really don't have to. I know you are probably extremely busy being a senior and all."

Blaine, knowing it wasn't the safest idea, said "Kurt it is really no problem at all, especially because you have a pretty long list of concepts you're struggling with,"

Kurt replied with a hint of relief "As long as it is not an issue then that would be great. I really appreciate it."

Blaine feeling the urge to move on as soon as possible said, "Okay so let's get started. What do you need help with when it comes to statement cash flows?"

Blaine got into his Uber and instantly regretted what he had just done. "Blaine it's a job. Just do your job and you will be fine. The flutter was nothing. It was just a weird moment." Blaine, on the way home, kept talking to himself trying to feel better about the situation, and justifying his actions because he was getting paid to tutor after all. But he couldn't help but be nervous, and mad just because he knew what a flutter meant. He had a flutter with his first crush and his second crush, and he had vowed after those first experiences to avoid that feeling. It was too distracting and risky, and he honestly didn't have time for it. But a tiny part of him was excited, and that's why he agreed to tutor Kurt. Because he was finally excited for something and had something to look forward to, and he was actually doing something risky, and maybe it wouldn't be as bad as he thought it would be and now his mind was spinning, and his heart was wanting and his body was tired. By the time he got back to his apartment he was so tired from the inner battle, that he just stripped down to his boxer briefs and went to bed. Trying to avoid thinking of those dreamy blue eyes, and the softest of lips.