Confidence is Silent: The Fight to Happiness, Freedom, and Love.

Chapter 4: The Tutor: POV Kurt

TRIGGER WARNINGS: The following themes are in this fic: self-harm, addiction, homophobia, abuse, abandonment, self-destructive behaviors and thoughts, suicidal thoughts. If you are not into serious angst, depression, and dark fics, feel free to skip this one.

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Kurt had gotten to the Friday of the second week of school and soon realized that accounting was impossible to understand. He asked his professor what he could do to better prepare for the exams and quizzes and his professor suggested he start tutoring. Kurt quickly got on his computer and signed up with a tutor for Tuesday night at 7pm, and he made sure to save the confirmation email with the location information.

He had truly forgotten about it until Monday rolled around and he was sitting with his roommate talking about how lame and stupid his accounting class was. Xander was a mixed boy, with super curly hair, and blue eyes, and he was Kurt's roommate. Kurt got lucky and ended up with a super chill roommate, and for once, someone who was not gay and not homophobic. Xander was just a chill person; he had let Kurt decorate their entire dorm room in a black and white theme and didn't even care when Kurt asked to store a couple of pairs of shoes in his wardrobe. Xander only had one rule and it went for both of them, no dorm room guest. They both agreed to keep significant others, no matter the gender, out of their room. And since then they had become good friends.

"So who is your tutor?" Xander asked, curious about it. "It's a guy named Blaine Anderson." Kurt quickly saw Xander's eyes grow wide, "Dude! Do you know who that is?" Kurt was confused and shook his head in the negative. "Seriously! I can't believe you do not know who Blaine Anderson is. He is a senior Business Major on campus who does like everything. He is super-hot, and super smart, and has a 4.0 GPA, and is basically like the Ken doll of CBU, except he's never been known to have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Like he's perfect. And the reason he is 'known' is because he's so perfect. Like I don't know how someone can be that way. There's a rumor that he's never missed a class in his 4 years of college. Crazy, if you ask me."

Kurt replied to Xander with a head nod and a lift of an eyebrow. Just a simple response that showed he may or may not care. "okay then. Well I'll let you know how it goes. I think I'm going to listen to my iPod. Good night". As Kurt laid down in his bed, he felt his anxiety and self-deprecation entering the surface. Blaine Anderson, CBU's Mr. Perfect, was going to be tutoring Kurt Hummel, Lima Ohio's fuck up. Kurt was nowhere near perfect and knew it too. He had been so stupid in the past year and now was going to be getting tutored by a guy who probably hadn't even thought of doing half the shit Kurts done.

Kurt woke up Tuesday morning and as per usual, didn't feel like getting out of bed, but did anyway. Thank the gods he had taken the time to pick all of his outfits out for the week, and prearrange them, because he was tired just from being awake for the hour it took him to drink his coffee. He applied tinted moisturizer on his wrists to cover up a couple of scars he wishes he didn't have, and then threw on a pair of tight red skinny jeans, and black turtle neck long sleeve shirt, with a gold belt. He then added a gingham print blazer with a red stripe going down each arm, and a pair of combat boots. Kurt always enjoyed layers, it made him feel a little more reserved and less exposed.

He also enjoyed switching it up, and that's the reason he chose to go into fashion design. He wanted to work in a world that didn't have rules and figured he'd get closest to that by going into fashion. As soon as he was dressed, he took a few deep breaths while looking at himself in the tiny mirror that sat on his desk. He was doing a good job at being the new Kurt Hummel. He hadn't gotten too involved in anyone or anything, hadn't gotten emotional, hadn't had sex, or a drink. He was doing great and felt like maybe, just maybe he could get through college a lot better than he did high school. Maybe he could finally move on and stop acting like a dumbass. He grabbed his black satchel and headed out the door so he could be early for his first class.

The day seemed to go by in one hour, because before Kurt could see it coming he was on his way to the business building, and honestly dreading it. Accounting class and the homework it required was already difficult enough, but then doing an extra hour for tutoring was going to be exhausting. And on top of how difficult the work was, he was being tutored by CBU's "perfect" student. But Kurt dismissed that thought as soon as it came to mind because he wanted to do good and wasn't going to let himself fall down the hole of self-deprecation right now. He walked into the building and as he walked in he saw a guy sitting in the far corner table next to the window, and began to walk over there when he noticed that it was the guy from his first day at CBU he couldn't help but feel nervous. The butterflies came first, and then the need came second, but he stayed focus and approached him, "Hi, are you, Blaine Anderson?"

Blaine looked up at Kurt and stood up while responding and shaking hands with him. Kurt instantly felt a little nervous because Blaine was looking at him like he was seeing into his soul. His big brown eyes meeting his with intensity. Kurt and Blaine sat down. Kurt began to tell Blaine about what he was struggling with accounting. As Kurt was talking, he could tell that Blaine wasn't listening to him as much as he was just taking him in, scanning his face as though he had intentions of saving it to a memory file. Kurt felt overwhelmed and yet could also feel the butterflies in his stomach intensify at the feeling of this gorgeous man, wearing gold, noticing him. The feeling continued as Blaine began talking about his schedule, saying that this time at 7pm on Tuesdays was usually for a student who needed test study, and not for a weekly student, and therefore, Blaine suggested Kurt look at other tutors whose schedules may be more accommodating to him. Kurt was conflicted because Blaine was hot and super smart and made him feel, but Kurt promised himself he wouldn't hunt out men, even if they were seemingly checking him out. But for some reason, Blaine felt different and Kurt was about to do something so seemingly 'innocent' but knew that it would probably get him in trouble in the end. God, he was going to curse himself, "Oh. Well, I actually selected this time just because it allowed me a break before coming to tutoring. But I can work out my schedule and look into different times. I would much prefer you, just because, well...

Kurt paused a moment in order to appear slightly more nervous "I remember how helpful you were in the dining hall that day, and well, I know it's probably weird of me to remember that, but it was so nice of you. So yeah, I'm sorry for being weird, if me bringing that up was weird, and now I'm just rambling. Sorry about that." He wanted Blaine, and his beautiful, mouth water body, to sit across from every Tuesday and thought he should share how he felt about Blaine's actions in the dining hall, hoping it would give him an advantage. Blaine looked at him and Kurt saw Blaine's eyes become slightly softer, and he replied, "Oh that's not weird at all Kurt. I'm sorry I never asked you your name that day. You know, because you're a nice kid, how about we just keep this time every week till the semesters over. Tuesdays at 7pm sound good?"

Kurt quickly replied instantly thanking Blaine, while simultaneously feeling his head and his heart playing tug of war. Thankfully before Kurt could get too caught up in his head, they began to review some of the material in Kurt's textbook, and before he knew it the session was over.

As Kurt walked back to his dorm, he couldn't help but think about how beautiful Blaine was. He was fashion-forward and the gold aviators with his cheekbones, and brown eyes, and his curls perfectly tamed, it was all just gorgeously mouth-watering to look at. And yet he was so pissed at himself because he swore off seeking relationships and hookups literally two weeks ago. The new Kurt Hummel didn't need to constantly be with someone, even though he wanted to be, because at least if one person was interested in him then it would make him feel like he was worth something. He decided to stick to tutoring and keep an arm's length, he can look, but cannot pursue. He had gotten so far and didn't want to rebound now that he had finally escaped Ohio.