Strawberries and Cigarettes (Jally)

Panic

🚬Dally🚬

My heart stopped. What happened? Is Johnny okay? Is he just calming down? I force the door open, and there was Johnny, lying on the floor, out cold. He was still breathing, so I just came to the conclusion that his sobs had given him a hard time with breathing and he had passed out. I felt guilty. I should've seen that something was wrong. I should've noticed that he wasn't as happy as he usually was. I should've asked if he was okay earlier. I should've been a better boyfriend.

I tried to push my thoughts away as I carried him into the living room. I was freaking out. Should I try to wake him up? Should I wait for him to come to by himself? Should I call Soda? What the hell was I supposed to do???

I paced around the room, debating whether or not I should try to wake him up.

"Shit shit shit shit shit," I kept repeating to myself. The thoughts kept coming back.

You should've made sure he was okay. You should've checked to make sure nothing was wrong. You're a terrible boyfriend. You're not fit to be in charge of Johnny. He's too fragile and sensitive. You're not good enough. He deserves better. You're just a worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve anything good.

I started yelling swears to myself, wanting the voices in my head to leave me alone. I needed to attend to Johnny. I had to focus on him. He was my top priority at the moment.

I decided I would try to wake him up. I heard that hitting someone wakes them up pretty quickly, but I wasn't going to do that. I could never hit Johnny. So, I went with an alternative. Ice cold water. My heart was beating so fast and intensely that I could've sworn you'd be able to see it beating.

I already had water bottles in the fridge for hangovers or for when I was still drunk, and they were very cold. I quickly grabbed one and went back over to Johnny, dropping to the ground in front of him. I was hesitant, hoping he wouldn't react badly to it, as I just kind of dripped a little bit on his face. He didn't wake up instantly, but he twitched a little. I took the cold bottle and just held it against his cheek for a moment before he started squirming. I perked a bit, hoping that was a sign of him waking up. Thank God it was.

He wiped the water off his face with his hand and opened his eyes. He jumped a bit when he saw me so close to him.

"D-Dally?" his voice was a bit hoarse and he seemed a bit shaky, but I thought it was just where I had poured cold ass water on him.

"What happened, Johnny?" I asked, hoping he knew.

"N-Nothing."

"Johnny, I heard you crying. Something's wrong. Don't lie to me. Please."

He went silent, not knowing how to tell me what was going on in his head.

"I..." he tried to speak, but I could tell it was something he had trouble telling me because he was scared of my reaction. He was the same way when he refused to tell me about his feelings for me. I gently held his hands and pulled him to where he was sitting up.

"Take your time. I'm not rushing you, okay?" He nodded and took a couple of deep breaths.

"It's just...It kind of upsets me that you're wanting to keep us a secret," he mumbled, "I finally found someone that makes me happy, and I want at least the gang to know...but you don't want me to tell them, so whenever one of them sees me happy and asks what's making me like that, I have to lie, when I really just want to tell them that I'm in love with a guy that makes me really, really happy."

It was my fault. I made him upset. I was what's wrong with him. I felt terrible. All the guilt from what he said came rushing to me, making me freeze and just look at him, my jaw slightly dropped and my eyes slowly welling up with tears. I hated being the reason Johnny was upset. I wanted to only make him happy. I never wanted to upset him.

He just looked away from me, bringing his knees up to his chest and sighing blankly. Without noise or any indication of what I was going to do, I quickly grabbed him and pulled him off the couch, throwing myself on the ground and making him lay on top of me. Where his knees were up, they slightly went into my stomach, but at that point, I didn't care. I just wanted Johnny close. I wanted to keep him in my arms until he was happy. I still wasn't totally on board with telling the gang, but I figured there wouldn't be much harm in telling them at some point.

"I'm sorry, baby," I whispered, and he wrapped his arms around my neck, his legs just straightened, since he couldn't wrap them around me. He didn't say anything, but I could hear him snicker a little bit and I felt a smile, as his face was buried in my collarbone. I laid the side of my head on his, and held him tight.

"I still love you," he said. "I always will." I couldn't keep tears from falling down my face, but they were happy tears. I've never had someone love me as Johnny does. I was actually happy. We both were. Ever since Johnny came into my life, the wall I had around me, keeping people out, just started to crumble. I let Johnny in, and I'm glad I did. Johnny was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I wasn't about to let him go.