a thousand rainy days

when you lose something you can't replace

Three weeks passed by so fast but i still feels just yesterday that i had a pregnancy loss. I just want to go back to work, with Uju already start his pre school and Ikjun left to the hospital, being alone at home just made me feel uncomfortable. Ikjun took a lot of leaves already just because he didn't want to leave me alone at home. And to be honest i'm being so dependent to him, like i have him full for twenty four hour, so yeah when he's back to work i'm a bit sad. Though Iksun came several times, even Jeongwon, Junwan and Seokhyung just make a turn shift to visit me regularly, but i don't like to burden them.

I can't tell myself if i'm already okay, but i know i'm still mourning. Even after getting so much love and care from Uju and Ikjun, i can't ignore this feelings. The loss and the grief really doesn't go away easily.

Grieving a child you never anticipated is a strange experience. I didn't even know if I'd grieve. People keep checking on me, and I don't know what to tell them. For the following few weeks I was exhausted and anxious. Sometimes i feel like i can't move my body at all. I felt physically traumatised enough. Though i know Ikjun and Uju never give me less attention, they're so sweet during my hardest time. I feel warmth everytime Uju calls me Eomma. I love him so much to make me feel this better.

But still, am I fine? I don't know. That's why i need to go back to works. I just can't stay at home like this for too long.

The sound from the front door scatters my mind as i saw Uju walks in with Aunty Wang.

" Eommaaa "

"Oh Uju-yaa" there he is my cute Uju running from the front door to my arms as he kissed my cheeks happily. He's just comebacks from his pre school with Aunty Wang. I bet he had a fun day at school today.

"Eomma, today Mone and i learn to speak english"

" Jinjja ?"

" Eo , i know eomma is mother"

"Aaaw, jaresso ! What about appa ?"

"Appa is father"

"Wuaaahh, uri Uju becomes smarter than ever, right Aunty Wang ?"

" Of course gyeosunim "

"Uju-ya, Eomma will go back to work tomorrow. Are you okay to stay at home after school with Aunty Wang?"

" Eomma , Appa said you need to rest, are you feeling okay now ?"

"Hmmm, i do" I nodded to assure my cute Uju as he wears worry looks on his face.

"It's because of Uju and Appa , Eomma now is feeling good and ready to work again"

" Arraseo "

"Good boy. Let's change your clothes and then we're gonna have lunch, okay ?"

"Okay"

*****

"You'll comeback to work tomorrow?"

"Hmmm"

"Are you sure?"

"Ikjun-ah, i know for the past few weeks i've been dealing with something that i never expected before. But the more i spending time at home doing nothing just made me...frustrated."
Ikjun just comes out from the bathroom when i tell him my plan for tomorrow. And he's just standing there gives me the look, like he's in the process to reads me, he wants to find the real reason why i want to go back to work tomorrow.

"I need to do something and i need to keep myself busy otherwise i cannot moving on from... 'this'."

He walks slowly to the bed to reach me. He doesn't say anything and that's just make me feel confuse and nervous at the same time. It's not that I asked his permission, but i just want him to agree with my planning and let me go to work tomorrow.