A Holly, Jolly Crisis

Chapter 9

Wandering inside, you poured a glass of wine some might call 'obscenely full.' What you really wanted to do was leave, but your parents had been the ones who drove and were, unfortunately, your only way home.

Besides, it would only hurt more to go home alone and cry in your bed. Instead, you forced yourself to stay and seated yourself on the couch beside Seokjin. He shot you a concerned look, but you shrugged it aside and took a deep sip of your drink.

Ignoring your phone, you tried to focus on the drinking game you were playing. Hoseok's words continued to occupy your thoughts though, making you wonder what he had meant.

If you don't know that by now, then I guess it doesn't matter.

That's all he'd said, as maddeningly unclear as he usually was. You wanted to find him and shake him, to clarify what he meant. Of course, it mattered. It mattered what Hoseok thought because he was the only person you ever thought about.

That was twice now you'd asked why he'd cut you out, only to receive a vague answer. It had hurt you – you hadn't been lying about that. Compared to your break-up with Darren, losing Hoseok had been far worse.

It had hurt so bad in the months after, you'd briefly lost your mind and last October, you'd flown out to New York to see him.

You had never told Hoseok that, but you did. It had been two months since he'd left in LA and you were growing desperate, trying and failing to get him to return your calls. At the last minute, you'd booked a plane flight, hopped in a cab from LaGuardia and shown up at his apartment – just in time to catch Hoseok coming home from a date.

You had stood there on the sidewalk, duffle bag slung over one shoulder while he laughed at something his date said. Vision blurring, you could still recall the nauseous feeling in the pit of your stomach. You had remained long after they went inside, then hailed a cab to the airport and flew home that night.

On your way, you'd realized Hoseok had been right. Possibly, your time as friends had come to an end because you were acting insane. It was insane to fly across the country on a moment's notice. It was insane to feel this wicked, burning jealousy each time you saw him with someone else.

Deep down, you knew something was wrong. It was wrong to have feelings for Hoseok while you were dating Darren and so, you hadn't contacted Hoseok again after that. You'd cut him out of your life the same way he did to you – only yours hadn't worked out, because here you were.

Eyes shut, you leaned back on the sofa. Even now, you heard Hoseok's critique in your mind. He'd called your main character too perfect, not flawed enough. Hoseok had always been the one who said your flaws were okay. Growing up, he'd been the one who encouraged you to be messy, to make mistakes and fail if you wanted.

Opening your eyes, you felt the raw pain of missing him hit you again. It was even worse now because last time, you'd assumed Hoseok had left because of Darren. Now, you knew he'd left because of you. Hoseok didn't want you anymore.

As the night came to an end, your emotions hovered close to a breaking point. You stood in the foyer, smiling bleakly while you thanked the Jeons. They disappeared inside, leaving you and your family to pull on your coats.

Gently, Sara leaned over to touch your arm. "Is everything okay?" she murmured.

Dimly, you realized you hadn't touched base after Darren called her.

"Yeah," you said, then paused. "And no."

She gave you a sympathetic look. "I saw you talking with Hobi. What happened? It looked as though you'd been fighting."