celestial strings | h.js

six.

The ticking of the clock was getting rather annoying. You couldn't sleep. It was not because of the clock, you just needed something to blame your insomnia on aside from that messy head of yours. Shifting your weight on Jisung's bed, you turned to the other side and scooted closer to the edge.

You peered down at the floor where Jisung slept, your hands unconsciously bringing the covers to your chin.

He slept in a curled-up position with a thin blanket draped over his small frame, giving you the false sense that he might be shivering from the cold night. Jisung was not a loud snorer; you could still hear his breathing from up on the bed but it was nothing too distracting. Not distracting enough for you to blame your lack of sleep on, at least.

Seeing him like this, so fragile and small, made you feel guilty.

Slowly and surely, after deciding you needed a breather, you got off the bed and tip-toed your way out of his room, not before taking a long strand of blue string for yourself. Heading out to the living room, you quietly slid open the glass door that led to the balcony and stepped out onto the cold tiles. You sucked in a long breath as you propped your elbows on the fence, taking in the chilly air and letting them bruise your lungs like drugs and alcohol.

After finding out your soulmate ties, your first reaction had not been the best you could muster because your first reaction was, in truth, not the best. But, you were usually so good at hiding emotions you thought would bring harm to others and thus, a disadvantage to you. For some reason, your inability manifested at the most important time; supposed anxiety does make performance worse.

Your anxiety was not the only fault. The more time you spent with Jisung, the more he took away your default need to hide in plain sight. Self-expression became easy and normal, and Jisung has made it that you were expected to be embraced through all the flaws in your demeanour and opinions. It has gotten to a point where when your first reaction of having him as your soulmate was fear, you just immediately showed it to him.

He didn't seem to be visibly upset about the way you were unsatisfied with the universe's choice. All he did was smile and beam about the fact that he has you as a soulmate. Yet, even then, a part of you wondered if he was mad at you. Or if he was disappointed, at the very least. Any form of negative emotions, just any, unless he was just doing as you usually would—hiding how he feels so he doesn't ruin the mood.

Crazy how you two could do the same thing, but while you lied for yourself, Jisung lied solely for others.

That was just one of the many reasons that weighted down on why you didn't want him as your soulmate. Your selfishness, your instinct to protect yourself over others, your tendency to feel annoyed, your suspicion and insecurities, your lack of desire to experience human interactions, and so on.

You've created an uncountable list of negative traits you possessed within a short two hours of laying on Jisung's bed because you needed something solid to think about, not just bits and pieces to why you absolutely do not deserve Han Jisung as your soulmate. Not as measly as that, everything that has happened to you and your family was somehow deserved, it seemed. You didn't possess the power to change your inherent characteristics, and this was the consequence.

Standing straighter, you counted in your head the seconds you inhaled and tapped your finger against the vinyl rail to remind yourself you needed to release the air slowly. Your heart calmed down but there was still an exhausting slump in your chest. No mistakes could be made by the cosmos; your life was supposed to be this tragic. You were unlucky, and you were bad, and that was the end of it.

Your eyes traced across the night sky and the bright buildings. The empty air hit your ears with a gift of white noises of sounds that traveled from the alive souls of others. Among the chatters you could faintly hear, you remained silent as you always have with not a soul to confide in. Despite all the people that surrounded, you were ultimately alone within. Nobody could truly understand; the one person who could hasn't been awake in ages.