celestial strings | h.js

two.

You pulled at your fingers as an uneasy feeling struck up in your chest for no reason.

You went through with the plan and joined the boys on a window-shopping spree after school. It was mostly just them chatting while they walked through the crowd of a busy commercial street. Occasionally, they would stop by a shop or two when they found something interesting, but more often than not, they would take a look at the product of interest and just whine about wanting to buy it instead of actually buying it.

The only one who has bought anything was Felix and his boba milk tea, one that everyone else has taken at least two sips already.

The boys have been engaging you in casual conversations, all in hopes to make sure you could warm up to them more easily. Especially after Jisung spent the lunchtime making sure they wouldn't accidentally step over a sensitive line, and to warn them about you being rather alert around strangers. You could tell they were cautious about where topics were straying, though. The way they would change subjects, or when it felt like one of them was holding back a joke of sort had alerted you.

You appreciated their effort and have been engaging. But while having good intentions in mind, they were unable to detect the fact that you were only growing more and more anxious as time goes.

When you first met Jisung, you didn't have anyone else you were trying to please, and therefore, you have got more chances to distance yourself from him. With him, it was a gradual process of becoming friends; you did not immediately click with him, you did not see him every single day and you did not have full-blown conversations with him for longer than thirty minutes.

There were time lapses in between your process of getting closer to Jisung, which was what you were more comfortable with.

Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Felix were three people who kept dragging you into conversations. Seungmin lesser than the others, you realized, but he was a pain in the ass for being so good at holding onto a conversation you deeply wanted to end. Not to mention both of you have an argumentative nature. You were just less vocal about it.

It may be a misunderstanding on their part that you would find silence more awkward than sounds, but it was exhausting to talk for so long with people you barely knew, especially when you were in constant fear that what you said simply won't be entertaining enough for them. They were, after all, Jisung's friends. You would like nothing more than to leave a good impression and to make new friends, but not at such a quick pace where you needed to answer one curious question after another.

It was completely out of your comfort zone and not within your social capability. You needed to be away from them to recharge yourself, yet somehow whenever you tried to bring that up, you found the words being stuck at your throat.

These three were good and friendly people. You could not guarantee their reaction when you tell them you needed them to shut the hell up for a second, and frankly, you didn't want to have to say that to them.

Jisung noticed your micro-movements when you turned away to face the zooming cars out on the road. His smile faded and concern quickly flooded into his eyes. Discreetly moving away from his friends, who were bickering among themselves, he grabbed you gently by the edge of your wrist and pulled at you for attention.

When you looked at him, he asked, "Are you okay?"

His eyes have been home to you ever since the night you told him about yourself; calming, caressing, warming. You could tell him everything he wanted to know, and you have told him everything he wanted to know. But as you caught his eyes right now, all you could think about was how much you must have burdened him for the past few weeks and how much you wanted to stop doing that.