{kagehina} he smelled like oranges

Chapter 24.

'Hey, hopefully I'm showing this to you several years in the future, and I just pulled it out because I thought it would be funny to look back on. Maybe we have a dog, maybe we're married, maybe we even have kids. Although, you might be seeing this for a different reason, my least favorite of the two options in fact, and that would be that I'm dead.' The last word was wobbly and smudged as if Hinata had had trouble writing it. 'Now, I really hope it's not that, but it might be. I just told you I had an aneurysm, and you're freaking out. For good reason, I know, but there's still a chance it might go away. If it doesn't and I, well, you know. Wow, this is a lot harder than I anticipated. I'll come back to this.' Kageyama turned the page and read the next entry.

'This might actually turn out okay! I'm back from the hospital and everything seems normal again. Right now, you're brushing your teeth, so I have I little bit of time to write while you're busy. I'm watching you though, I don't think you see me, but oh my god I love you. You look perfect, even when you're just waking up. I'm a lucky guy, there's no doubt about that. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.' Kageyama had to bite back some tears at that line, because Hinata had gotten to do that, just not how he expected. Kageyama swallowed and continued reading. 'I love you. I know I'm rambling and I've said that a lot, but I don't think I'd ever be able to say it enough for you to truly understand how much I care for you. I know that all the time you feel like I'm lying to you and I actually hate you, and that hurts me so much, because above all else I want you to know that you're my favorite person. I really hope you feel the same about me. I'm so happy we found each other.' That was the end of that entry so Kageyama moved onto the next one.

'Hi, it's me again, your boyfriend, Hinata, in case you forgot. it still looks like there's hope, I haven't been having any issues and we're making plans for college! I'm looking forward to college, not because of schoolwork, but because we'll finally be able to move in together. We see each other all the time so we basically live together already, but I'm excited to make it official. It's hard to believe I've only been dating you for a few months, because I already want to marry you. Maybe you'll propose after college, if you haven't by then, I guess I'll have to do it. At the moment you're making dinner, which is really nice, even if you're burning it, but I appreciate the thought, and that's why I made a backup dinner in case this happened. I love that you do things for me, even when you're not entirely comfortable with it. You're so special, and once again, I love you. Now, I'd better go in there, and help you, to see if there's any chance we can salvage this meal.' Kageyama took a few seconds before looking at the next entry. He knew what was going to happen, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

'Well, all is not okay anymore. I'm in the hospital again. You're in the bathroom right now, and you seem determined not to leave my side, which makes me unbelievably happy, but it also means that now is probably the only chance I'll get to write this. First off, I'm scared. I think I might die soon. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to go. I didn't get to do everything I wanted; I didn't get to spend enough time with you. At least you're here, I know you won't leave me, and I know this is hard for you too. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this. I'm so grateful you're staying with me. I don't want to spend my last moments by myself, and you're making sure that I get at least that. Please Kageyama, if I do die, don't let it ruin your life. I want you to be able to find happiness. Even if that means moving on and falling in love with someone else. Wow, even saying that is making me jealous. God, I want you to be happy but I feel so protective of you. I want you to remember me, just please don't destroy yourself. I know how much you can overthink things and let it take over your mind, and I won't be there to tell you to stop it. I want you to be able to find joy, because most of all, I love you. I may not get to say it to you anymore soon, so I'm going to say it as much as a can before I go. I love you. I love your sense of humor, I love your smile, I love the way you call me a dumbass, I love your hugs, I love your kisses, I love genuinely everything about you. Once more, for good measure: I love you.' Kageyama touched the words. That was where Hinata's writing stopped. Kageyama's tears started splashing down on the page, and he closed the journal to make sure he didn't smudge the writing. Kenma was right, Hinata didn't want Kageyama to kill himself. That didn't mean Kageyama didn't still miss him so much, but he would go on living, no matter how painful it was, because it's what Hinata wanted. He still wished Hinata were here. Kageyama wanted so badly to be able to hug him. He leaned against the end of the bed and stared at the ceiling. It was so hard for him to want to be here, to want to exist, but he'd do anything for Hinata, even if it was difficult. He needed a break from the world though, he climbed into the bed and closed his eyes.

He dreamed about spending time with Hinata. They weren't doing much, just sitting together without saying anything, but it still made him sleep well. He woke up abruptly many hours later, but he didn't know why. He sat alone, starting to cry. He realized he heard something through the door of his room, that must be the reason he'd woken up. It was Kenma yelling at a game. He must be streaming. That just made Kageyama cry harder, because he remembered spending so many days watching the streams with Hinata.