Missing Factors:A Single Mothers Diary

Count You Out

                                                                            Nina James

I swear if it's not one thing it's another. Between Jamel and Doris, I would be in the crazy house! He just gets under my skin in the worst way. Tiya says to ignore him but it's hard, after all he is Amelia's father. But damn enough is enough!!

I never thought I would be someone's "baby-mama" I really hate hearing that phrase, yes I'm someone's mother but I'm far from the stereotype. I always thought I would marry Jamel even after everything we went through. He promised me he would always be there, but like they say once a baby is involved niggaz start acting shady and get brand new on you. Boy did Jamel give me hell, between the arguments and DNA threats; I wish I never told him I was pregnant to begin with.

We were suppose to be different. He saw how Ron played Millz, and we were the ones there to help and keep her company after she had her son. Who would've thought Jamel would do the exact same thing but 10 times worse. We met in high school, I didn't really like him, he was arrogant and so damn conceited, but ooo he was fine, and he knew it too. Dark skin, fresh waves, hazel brown eyes, standing at 6'2 he was a work of art. That was an interesting summer but he finally won me over and it was beautiful afterward. I was the envy of all the girls but it would all turn sour years later.

So here I am wondering where I went wrong. Raising a child by myself and not married, this wasn't my idea of how I saw my life turning out. But I know everything happens for a reason. I guess he wasn't my lifetime even though we were suppose to be together forever. I hate to admit a part of me still loves the memory of who I thought he was. But now I hate seeing his name pop up in instant messaging or hear how he dawgs me to Doris or anybody else for that matter. Seriously who does that?

Now I could be wrong, after all Doris was sleeping with him while I was pregnant. What makes her a reliable source? But what would she get out of lying? I mean we aren't best friends; we just share the same sperm donor for our kids. See I went to college with Miss Thing, and until this day I still don't understand how she could be so trifling. She already had a child then next thing I know she pops up pregnant, marries Jamel an ends up with another one the following year. Can we say stupid? Jamel bounced on her ass too and it has been a hot mess ever since.

That just goes to show you the grass isn't always greener on the other side. But today's generation doesn't know what true love is,' it's not all about sex its deeper than that. True love is worth fighting for; you don't intentionally hurt one another. You take it in strides and try to work things out; revenge should never be a factor. But I guess I'm the only mature one in this situation.

Next year will be different, no more drama and foolishness. I have to think about Amelia and make her life better. I just hate history will repeat itself; I want her to have a father. But I won't beg Jamel to do the right thing; I'm tired of trying and always get his ass to kiss. I didn't make her by myself so I shouldn't have to do all the work! Seriously do you think I like the way things ended and he went and had two more kids with someone else? It hurt my heart that Doris rocks his last name but hey life goes on and he will have to live with the consequence. Its time I do something for me, I'm really feeling these lyrics "and one day I'll have you begging on your knees for me," yea this came on at the right time. I wonder what Millz an Tiya are up to......

Nina and Millz had been friends since high school and really click. Even through ups and downs, at the end of the day they know the other has their back. In hard times it's always good to have that sympathetic shoulder to cry on. One that wouldn't judge you and truly understands you. It's been said you don't know your true friends until after high school, and in the time of trouble. Well Millz proved to be Nina's conscience they complemented each other in the friendship.

Now Tiya was a spit-fire also just like Nina. They had more similar qualities I think it was because they share the same zodiac. But what all 3 women have in common is their children fathers were complete idiots. They didn't seem to appreciate a good thing until it was gone!

Doris Santiago-Davis was nobody's prize. Once her and Jamal starting dating, it was the buzz around the campus. It was such a pain when people came up to me asking if Jamel knew I was pregnant. A duh walking around with this heifah. Maybe that's a bit harsh but I just can't stand her. There's no sympathy coming from my end but I don't want to come off bitter. But all the bullshit I have been through with this chick it's hard to be nice to her. She's always up to something an always adding her two cents. That's why I left Jamel alone, no matter what he said Doris made sure I knew he was playing me like a fool. So whatever feelings I could've saved for him is gone now. I chalk it up to jealousy I will always be his first love. Oh well a different time a different place, but the old saying goes "the same way you got him is the same way you'll lose him."

I swear females these days smh. Grace thinks Doris put vodoo on Jamel because, she doesn't think he would act like this. She has to be poisoning him. it's funny but nowadays you never know, talk about "I love you to death." No thanks I don't want that kind of love she can have him. I accept the fact he's married but that doesn't mean I have to like it! Nobody can tell you who to love, and it's hard when your heart doesn't do what your mind tells it. Somedays I wish I could backspace and delete all memories, but then I look at Amelia and just smile. How could something so precious come from chaos? I should have named her Miracle, because I had a rough pregnancy but I don't regret her at all.

Everybody was surprised I had a baby. I don't know why because I was always surrounded by children. But it's different when you have your own, I call Amelia my Siamese cat, hazel eyes like Jamel and a million dollar smile. He's missing out on so much, that's what bothers me. I don't want him back for me, I want him to be in his daughter's life. She's his first born that should mean something. Just because we didn't work-out, that doesn't mean he can neglect his responsibilities. I'm not one of those mothers who will keep a child from their father, but he needs to make more of an effort. I understand he has another family but Amelia is his family too, so he needs to include her in his life also. He was man enough to lay down and make her, he needs to be man enough to help take care of her. I really expected better from him but he was just like Ron and Lamarr NO DAMN HELP!!!