In the Belly of a Whale ~ ldh

A Summer to Die

"It's hard to give up the being together with someone."
~ Lois Lowry, A Summer to Die

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There are certain things in life we must fight for. The circumstances are different for everyone. My dad had to fight to marry my mom because her parents didn't approve of the fact that he came from a low-income family. My mom had to fight to make a living for our family after my dad died in a work accident. My eldest brother had to fight to get into Brown University because he has ASD and he's ESL. I have fought for many things, both small and large. The one I've fought most passionately for is my relationship with Im Yechan.

A relationship I lost.

To tell the story of how I lost it, though, I should begin with how I came to gain it. Im Yechan and I had known each other since my family moved from Changwon to Seoul around the time I started middle school. At first, we didn't get along. Yechan has always been much more outgoing than me, even if most of it's a façade. He used to have such a short temper, and he could be so stubborn at times. By the time we entered high school, Yechan had learned to control his anger and I had discovered that our charismatic class president was more than met the eye. We still bickered more than I would have liked, and he had a tendency to ignore me for days on end if we had a disagreement. On White Day the year I turned fifteen, my brother Gangwoo got into a fistfight with Yechan. No one ever told me why. It was after their fight, when I saw Yechan standing by the bicycle rack with a split lip and a smirk on his face, that I knew I had a crush on him.

We weren't that close, but we were always in the same class and Yechan was good friends with my neighbour, Kim Woojin. He had also dated a friend of mine for a short period of time, so I had gotten to know him a bit better while they were going out. Despite all of that, I couldn't understand where these feelings were coming from. Part of me still saw Yechan as the cruel person he had been in middle school. I was scared, I was embarrassed, but most of all, I was confused. I desperately wished I could go back to being thirteen, lying on the front lawn weaving flowers through Byeolha's braids as Aejin and Seungin watched a variety show on her phone. If only things were that simple.

The spring vacation of our final year, the catalyst put everything in motion. I had just gotten back from tutoring and was organizing my notes from that day's lesson.

"Jiwoo!" Nothing was unusual about the way my grandma called my name. "Im Yechan's here!" I remember immediately feeling uneasy. Yechan had only been to my apartment on a handful of occasions, almost all of them school related. I capped my highlighter and made my way into the living room. Yechan was standing awkwardly next to my grandma, gazing down at the guest slippers adorning his feet.

"Yechan?" I took a few steps closer. "What is it?"

"Ah," he glanced at my grandma and, thankfully, she got the hint.

"Why don't I give you two some privacy?" She sashayed out of the room, giving me a wink as she passed. I pressed my lips into a thin line.

"Yechan?" I tried again, and this time he looked at me. For the first time, I noticed the sweat beading along his browline and the way his hands trembled as he pushed his hair out of his face. "Is everything okay?" He moved to close the space between us and I met him halfway.

"Jiwoo," he murmured.

"I'm right here." I could see the trepidation in his eyes. Just as I saw something change in their dark depths, he took my face in both hands and planted his mouth on mine. I let out a gasp that sounded reminiscent of his name as my fingers curled around his shoulders. He tasted like beer and dried squid; not the most pleasant kiss in the world. When we separated, he didn't let go of my face.

"Jiwoo." The look on his face made my heart skip a beat. "I think I love you."

"What the fuck?" We both looked up to see Gangwoo standing in the entryway with his equipment bag slung over his shoulder and a scowl on his face.

"Oppa, wait-"

"Get your hands off my sister!"

"Gangwoo oppa!" I pushed Yechan behind me. "Calm down. This isn't what it looks like."

"Oh, really? Then what is it?"

"Yechan suddenly showed up, and he hasn't-"

"So you didn't want him to kiss you? That's fucking worse, Jiwoo!" Gangwoo shoved me aside and grabbed Yechan by the front of his t-shirt. "You're sick!"

"Oppa, please!"

"What in the world is going on here?" I whirled around to see my grandma standing with her hands on her hips. "Gangwoo, put the boy down."

"But Grandma-"

"Now," she snapped and Gangwoo released Yechan. "Apologise."

"No!"

"Baek Gangwoo!"

"Sorry," he grumbled, storming off towards his room. I turned to Yechan.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine." He shook his head. "It's getting late. I should go." He began to trade out the slippers for his sandals. My grandma gave me a sharp look.

"Wait." I still remember how soft my voice was; how unsure I sounded. "Yechan."

"Yeah?" When he looked back at me, I could see the brilliant light of hope in his eyes.

"Would you like to go for a walk with me?"