In the Belly of a Whale ~ ldh

If I Stay

"Love, it never dies. It never goes away, it never fades, so long as you hang on to it. Love can make you immortal."
~ Gayle Forman, If I Stay

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I didn't tell anyone about what had happened with Yechan. Instead, I carried on as if nothing had happened. A few days after his birthday, Yechan and I met Aejin and Seungin for karaoke.

"Look what my Jinnie got us." Seungin held his hand out, reaching for Aejin's wrist so he could show off their couple rings. As I stared at their matching silver bands, a bitter seed of envy began to sprout deep within me.

"How cute," I grinned. "You're lucky Byeolha isn't here; she'd be so jealous."

"I'm sure she'll find a boyfriend soon!" Aejin giggled, pulling her hand from Seungin's grasp.

"Are you guys going to pick a song?" Yechan gave us a bored look and Aejin stuck her tongue out at him.

"Why don't you pick a song if you're so eager?"

"Leave him alone," I chided and she huffed.

Aejin and Seungin serenaded us with a very unique version of "SoulMate", and then Aejin convinced me to sing "One Million Roses" with her.

"You're definitely the best singer out of all of us." Aejin pouted at me. "I don't know why you don't sing more!"

"I'm not that good," I denied.

"Don't say that! She's good, right?" Aejin turned to her boyfriend for support and he nodded. Seungin was trying a find a specific song he wanted to try rapping, even though he couldn't rap for shit. "You and Yechan should sing a duet!" I glanced at Yechan, but he was glaring at the bag of potato chips in his hand.

"No, that's fine. Seungin, did you find the song?"

"No," he groaned. "I don't think they have it."

"Perfect! Yechan, you can pick the song." Aejin grabbed Yechan's arm, trying to drag him to his feet.

"Ya!" He shook her off as he stood up. "This is stupid." He turned and stalked out of the room. Aejin and Seungin both stared at me in shock.

"Was it something I said?" Aejin asked. I just shook my head as I ran out after him.

"Yechan!" He wasn't in the main lobby. "Im Yechan!" I found him standing outside the karaoke shop. He scowled as I ran up to him.

"Look, I know I said I'd try, but this is pissing me off." His brow was knit low over his dark eyes.

"I'm sorry." I took a step toward Yechan and he scoffed. "I'll talk to Aejin, okay? Please come back inside."

"Stop it, Jiwoo. You don't need to try so hard."

"What?" Dread was clawing its way up my throat, screaming for consolation. I tucked my hands into my pockets so he couldn't see that they were trembling.

"We're done." Yechan turned his back to me as the words left his mouth. "I'm going home."

"Yechan, wait!" I grabbed his hand. "Please don't do this." He looked back at me over his shoulder, but there was no affection in his gaze. I dropped his hand.

"I'll see you at school.

> > > < < <

When I got home, my mom was at work and my brothers had gone to visit my grandma. That meant I was alone in the type of quiet solitude that's perfect for crying your heart out, which is exactly what I did. I cried until my head was pounding and my throat was raw. I cried so much I was surprised I hadn't drowned. When I finally felt as though I had no tears left, I gathered up all my used tissues and stuffed them in the waste bin. I stumbled into the bathroom and tied my hair back before splashing my face with cold water. Then, when I looked in the mirror and saw how swollen my face was, I started crying again.

"Jiwoo?" I looked over to see Gangwoo standing in the doorway. His gaze darkened when he saw my face.

"Oppa! When did you get back?"

"Just now. Why are you crying?" He stepped into the bathroom.

"Where's Yoonwoo oppa?" I ignored his question. Yoonwoo materialised in the doorway where Gangwoo had been standing a moment before.

"Why are you sad?" Yoonwoo asked softly, and what little of my heart remained fell to pieces.

"Don't worry about it. How's Grandma?" I tried to push past Gangwoo, but he stopped me.

"Answer the question, Jiwoo."

"Stop." I could feel my eyes beginning to burn again.

"What happened?" Gangwoo pressed.

"Yechan broke up with me, okay?" I finally managed to get past him, but now Yoonwoo was blocking my way.

"I told you he was a lousy good-for-nothing. You're better of without him," Gangwoo's voice came from behind me. I looked up at Yoonwoo's face. He was studying the tiles on the bathroom floor.

"Oppa?"

"He's who was making you sad," Yoonwoo announced. "He's the one you want to make happy." I buried my face in my hands as I sob slipped past my lips.

"Hyung, stop." Gangwoo reached over me to place his hand on Yoonwoo's shoulder, but Yoonwoo jerked away.

"You should be happy first!" He was staring straight at me, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. "You should be happy first."

"He's right, Jiwoo." I looked back at Gangwoo and he gave me a grim smile. "You need to learn how to put yourself first."

"You should be happy first," Yoonwoo repeated.

"Okay." I nodded my head. "Okay, I get it."

"Good." Gangwoo took a hold of my arm and Yoonwoo stepped aside so he could pull me out of the bathroom. "Let's go out for dinner tonight. How do you feel about barbeque?"

"You know that Yoonwoo oppa can't handle the smell," I reminded him and Gangwoo scoffed.

"Fine. Kimchi jjigae?"

"On Tuesdays we eat japchae," Yoonwoo argued.

"It's good to try new things, hyung."