In the Belly of a Whale ~ ldh

Rules

"Some people think they know who you are, when really they don't."
~ Cynthia Lord, Rules

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"You should be resting." Those were the first words out of my grandma's mouth when Yoonwoo and I walked into her hospital room. Gangwoo had to head to work as soon as he dropped us off. Yoonwoo ignored her, opting to adjust her pillows. "You've lost weight. Have you been eating properly? I hope you're not overworking yourself."

"I'm fine." He sat down in one of the chairs next to the bed.

"How are you feeling, Grandma?" I sat in the chair on the other side of the bed.

"How do you think? I'm dying."

"You're not going to die," Yoonwoo argued firmly. She chuckled, patting his cheek. He flinched away.

"We all will eventually, my dear." There was a twinkle in her eye that wasn't there the last time I had seen her. I knew it was because Yoonwoo was there. Neither of us had a response to that, so we were all silent for a moment. Then, Yoonwoo's phone began to ring. When he answered it, he was speaking in English. "Jiwoo," my grandma reached out for me. "Where are Gangwoo and your mother?"

"They're both at work. Mom should be off soon." I looked down at our conjoined hands. "Grandma, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, dear."

"How did you know you were in love with Grandpa?"

"I didn't," she smiled fondly. "He just seemed so sure that I went along with it, and I'm glad I did. He was always certain enough for the both of us, but there's no doubt in my mind now that I loved that crazy old man." I giggled. "Why do you ask?"

"It's nothing." I gave her hand a squeeze.

My mom picked us up when she got off work. It took us a while to convince Yoonwoo to leave. When we got home, I ate dinner and then called Yechan.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"We just finished dinner. Have you eaten?"

"Yes."

"That's good. Yoonwoo oppa wants me to cut his hair tomorrow. I think I'll change the style a bit." I flopped down on my bed. "We went and visited Grandma. Do you know what she said to us? She-"

"Jiwoo," Yechan cut me off. "I'm busy. Can't you talk to Byeolha or Aejin about this?"

"Oh. Yeah, sure." I bit my lip. "Have a goodnight." He didn't respond; he just hung up. I let out a heavy sigh as I let my phone fall onto the bed beside me. Have a goodnight, too, Jiwoo, I answered myself in my head. I thought about calling Byeolha, then I thought about calling Hyuck. I rolled onto my stomach, burying my face in my pillow. "Lee fucking Donghyuck." I sat up and stared down at my phone. "Fuck Im Yechan." I took a hold of the notebook and pen on my night table and began to write.

Phantom

You're so cold.

My blistered skin is as white

As the pretty little lies

You love to whisper in my ears.

The chaste kisses you place

On my burning blue lips

Taste of dubiosity

And enigmas

And crocodile tears.

I find myself curious;

Is this what death feels like?

You seem like a phantom,

The way your touch

Sends shivers down my spine

And you always succeed

In slithering out of my grasp.

That just convolutes things further, though;

How could something I never really had

Cause me so much suffering?

You were never truly mine,

And yet

I yearn for the chill you leave in the air

And the hoarfrost that trails in your wake.

When I awoke during the night, I had a text from Jaemin.

바람둥이: are you awake?

I squinted at the bright screen as I rolled onto my back. I thought about what he could want, but nothing came to mind.

나: what is it?

I burrowed deeper beneath the covers. The screen of my phone slowly faded to black and I had almost drifted back to sleep when he responded.

바람둥이: I miss you ;(((

A warm giggle spilt past my lips. I clamped a hand over my mouth.

나: we just saw each other today, silly

바람둥이: technically, that was yesterday

나: your point?

바람둥이: Jiwoo :0

바람둥이: you know I never have a point

I let out an ugly snort and, suddenly, I was very glad we weren't having this conversation in person. That's when the door to my bedroom opened. Not all the way, but enough to let out a creak.

"Jiwoo?" I couldn't see Yoonwoo, but I knew it was him.

"What is it?" I sat up, tucking my phone beneath my pillow. He made his way into my room and crawled into my bed. I smiled at his familiar warmth. "I missed you, oppa." The only response I received was the sound of his breathing as he curled up next to me. I lied back down and adjusted the blankets so they completely covered him. "Oppa, can I tell you something?"

"What?"

"I have a boyfriend. I don't think he loves me anymore, though. He makes me very sad sometimes, oppa." My voice sounded as thin and desolate as a waning moon. "I don't want to break up with him, though, because I still love him. I want to make him happy." Yoonwoo's eyes were closed but I could tell he was listening. After a few moments of silence, I let myself begin to drift off again.

Just before sleep came, though, Yoonwoo said something.

"You should be happy first."