The nameless

Want

I never wanted anybody more
Than I wanted you

                •Joey's point of view•

I slam the door shut and immediately sink to the floor. I pull at my hair and a bloody curdling scream is pushed from my lunges out of my mouth.
The neighbors will probably file a noise complaint but I don't care. The little bit of hope I had left for my relationship with (Y/N) has now broken before my very eyes.

I scream again as I pull at my hair. The tears that I was holding in flow freely down my cheeks as I scream recklessly.

"She hates me!" I scream as I bring my knees to my chest.

I can't see through my tears and my head throbs but I keep screaming.

I was so stupid to take her for granted. I was so stupid to hurt her.

My body feels paralyzed to the floor as I continue screaming and crying out in pain.

To be honest, I deserve it. All her hatred, I deserve it. Every little bit.

My lunges are on fire as I continue screaming.

I see Mokey out of the corner of my eyes.
Mokey just stares at me and then trots up the stairs. I deserve that too.
I deserve to suffer for what I've done.

I sob into my knees as I think about every mistakes I've ever made in my life. Ever time someones hated me. I never imaged that (Y/N) would hate me like everyone else. I always imaged her being on my side, me marrying her one day, me being happy, her being happy.

But I threw that all away. And for what? Just because I was scared she was going to leave me. Because I was scared of myself.

I lay on my back and stare up at the ceiling. I have no voice left. My lunges can no longer produce any screams so I lie in silence as tears continue to stream down my face.

She said she was uncomfortable here and it's all my fault. I make her uncomfortable. I make her scared. I'm the reason she wants to die. I'm the reason she hurt her hand. I'm the reason she drinks with out end.

I put my hands over my eyes as I cry. As much as I want her, it would probably be better if I stayed away. I can't keep hurting her like this. I'd rather die than have her feel uncomfortable or angry or sad.

I slowly pick myself up off the ground and walk up the stairs to my bed room.
Tears leave a trail as I walk.

Once I'm upstairs, I peak in the guest room and see Mokey cuddles up in some fabric on the bed.
I walk in and look down at the fabric that Mokey is tangled in. I realize it's one of (Y/N)'s hoodies. I scrunch my eyebrows together. I'm pretty sure she was wearing a hoodie when she left.

"Where did you find this Mokey?" I ask as I pick it up.

Mokey meows and I look over to the dresser in the room.
I nervously walk over to the dresser and open the top drawer. I see a bracelet that (Y/N) used to wear and then a piece of folder up paper.
I scrunch my eyebrows together and nervously pick up the paper. It looks like a letter but I don't remember it ever being here.

I slip (Y/N)'s hoodie on and take in her scent. It smells old and faded so this hoodie must have been in there for a while.

I walk to my room with Mokey behind me and I sit down on my bed as I unfold the pieces of paper.
As soon as it's open, I realize it is a letter and it's addressed to me.

Dear Joey,
We've only been dating for a couple of months, but let me tell you these have been the best couple of months I've ever had. You mean so much to me which is weird to say concerning we haven't know each other for too long. I feel like you're the one person who actually cares about me and that's something rare in my world. I have so much to tell you about. So many things that have been on my mind for so long. Things that I've never told anyone about before. Things I'm scared to talk about. I feel like you're the only one who I can trust with these secrets but I'm not quite ready to say them out loud so I'm going to put them here and hopefully if I get enough courage I will give you this letter. You've seen so much of me. My scars, my fear. But I haven't been completely honest with you. These scars... most of them aren't self inflected unless they're recent ones. I know I've told you that I did them because I'm a wreck but that's only half true. Gosh, it's eating me alive, keeping these secrets from you. These scars, the old ones. They where given to me from my ex boyfriend, John. You've met him already. I know I try and act tough around him but that's just a coping mechanism, a way to keep myself safe. He hates it, he always hated it. The way I would act as if nothing he did bothered me. One day I pissed him off and he took this knife and he cut my legs. I don't understand why he felt the need to do it or why I allowed it to happen but it was one of the scariest days of my life. Eventually, it become something he enjoyed. He had a specific knife, he would cut me with it when he was mad. Heck, some times he would use it even if he wasn't mad. When I was sleeping.
I don't want to keep these secrets from you but I don't know how to tell you. It's hard for me to even understand myself. It's just something I live with, something I try to keep out of my mind.
Recently, I found the knife he used. I don't know why it was still at my apartment, but it was. I was too scared to throw it away so I threw it somewhere. I have a feeling you might find it some day. If you do find it then maybe we can talk about this, maybe you can help me get through it. Maybe we can throw the knife away, together. And maybe I'll be able to give you this letter because now I'm so scared Joey, so damn scared. I can't give this to you, I'm not ready for that yet but with your help one day I will be.
I love you more than anything.
Love,
(Y/N).

My tears have started back up again and I bite at my lip to stop another scream from damaging my already broken throat.
I can't believe what I am reading. I can't believe that we went so long with out having a conversation about this. I can't believe I didn't talk to her about that knife.
I found that knife, I did, but I just let it go and expected her to talk to me about it some day.

I know I have secrets that I've never told her about, scars that I would never have the guts to talk about, so how could I have ever expected her to talk about this.
This is so much worse then anything I ever thought.

No wonder why she's scared. No wonder why she hates me. She hates him. I bet I reminded her of him.
I'm so stupid! So very stupid!

I wipe my tears. I can't leave her alone now. I need to at least give her a hug or something.

I know she's not going to talk about this. I broke her trust, I ruined our relationship. I added to her pain because I'm selfish and blind.
But the least I can do now is be consistently there for her. Rebuild that trust with her.

I would never hurt her like this! Never!
But she doesn't know that.

I sigh as I get up.

The sun has fully risen and I know what I need to do.

I throw on some clothes and hurry to my car with the letter in my pocket.