Hope For Better

13. Self Destruct

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING

This chapter contains glorrified depictions of self harm. You can skip this chapter and still understand the rest of the story.

Hermione was growing depressed. She'd been stuck in Snape’s chambers for weeks, her only company a man who refused to hold her gaze, let alone a conversation. He refused to let her out of his sight, so she was not allowed to attend her classes. 

Instead, her professors would send her lessons and assignments to her via professor Snape himself. That is of course not including potions or Defense Against the Dark Arts. Severus insisted on teaching her those himself. 

Hermione had no idea what an utter catastrophe Hogwarts had become outside of the chambers in which she resided. Umbridge was causing chaos, inflicting painful punishments, and terrorizing the young witches and wizards who were only trying to learn from her. 

Severus only intended to protect her from the torture he knew her friends were facing, and he was doing a damned good job. 

Umbridge had no idea Hermione existed. There's no telling what she would do if she found out the girl had been living in her professors private chambers. She might actually skin them both, then skin Albus for allowing this, curse or not. 

Despite all of his worries and obsessions, Hermione wasn't happy, and that twisted his insides. He knew it was in her best interest, but she had no idea why she wasn't allowed to even see her friends. Of course for Snape it was for her own safety, but it was also necessary for the rest of those on the side of good in the war against evil. For the plan to work, she must be kept away from Harry Potter, the D.A, and the order… and she couldn't know about any of it.

As much as he wanted her to feel joy again, like she had before when he used to read to her, and she used to watch him brew, he couldn't let himself get close again. It would be too easy for him to give into his temptations. It would be so easy to hold her when she wanted to be held, kiss her when she wanted to be kissed, love her when she wanted to be loved… but that would be highly inappropriate and against her best interest… She only felt that way because of the curse anyways… Right?

It didn't matter. Curse or not, she was his student and he would not go back on his morals and he would not steal her innocence. 

Hermione knew he knew she was hurting, but he didn’t do anything about it. That hurt her more. She couldn't understand why he became so distant so quickly, and because of his distance, the curse was taking a toll on more than just her body.

Her mind and spirit were crushed. Her body was strong because he was physically near,  but her mind was weak because of his emotional distance. She began to hate herself. She thought herself to be stupid and ugly and worthless.

He would tell her otherwise if he knew, but he could only hear thoughts about himself. 

She stood in front of the mirror dripping from her shower, her face scrunched up in disgust at what she saw in her reflection. Water ran down her face and she couldn't distinguish which streams were from her sopping hair and which streams were from her flooded eyes. Of course he didn't want her. She was tiny, and pale, and pathetic.

He heard that one. He was grateful she couldn't see the pained expression on his face. His stomach churned with the longing to stand up from his post in the doorway and wrap the crying girl in his arms. He would whisper to her just how beautiful she was and how much he really did want her. But the man was convinced that he wouldn't be good for her.

He didn't know how wrong he was.

Severus didn't dare look at Hermione in fear that he might break if he saw her lovely face… or her tears running down it… so he didn't notice when she didn't eat for days, opting to magic away her portions before he could catch her. He didn't notice two days ago when she began to rip out her hair, or the way she stared at his old fashioned razor blade when he shaved wondering what it would feel like to run it over her own skin. She knew some muggles harmed themselves to feel better, and she could easily heal any wounds when she was done. 

It was all just so overwhelming. One minute she felt an immense surge of painful emotions and the next, nothing at all. What's worse, the pain or the numbness? 

Definitely the numbness.

So there she was naked and dripping wet testing herself in the mirror. She'd actually do it this time… Make herself feel better, or really just feel anything. She hesitated like she had the past few days, but she couldn't take it anymore. Shed felt mostly nothing in the past two weeks and if she did, shed only felt pain in the last three. 

She took a deep breath as she picked up the razor Severus had used to shave this morning and cast a cleansing charm. 

Breath in…

She pressed the sharp end into her skin right below her ribs.

Breath out…

She dragged the blade down her abdomen from her rib cage, to her pubic bone, biting back a wince. She stared in awe at the little beads of blood contrasting against her pale skin. 

‘Beautiful.’ She thought before repeating the same line on the other side. 

And there it was, she felt exhilarated… she felt content. Self destruction was the answer to all of her problems. She couldn't bring herself to heal the wounds. They were too lovely. They made her feel something. Shed never heard that this kind of pain would bring someone joy. The thin bloodied red lines gave her pride. She figured out how to be happy again. 

She dressed herself and walked past Snape with a cheeky grin plastered on her face. He almost wondered what it was that she was so happy about, but he didn't really care. He was just so glad to see her smile.