I tend to focus on the worst parts of life. All of the mistakes. All of the slip up's. All of the small little ignorant things that make me cringe. Every "I'm sorry" not only the ones I have given but also the ones I have received. Every memory of someone or something that once meant something to me. My life is just me putting myself down into this deep dark hole and every time I mess up it just gets deeper and deeper. Every time someone leaves it's like I plummet down at least six feet deeper into this hole. I start to feel worthless I just keep adding and adding to how much I have to dig. Every single time I get the sudden urge to harm my own body I have to keep digging and digging until this terrible urge is gone. And when I say that I mean I have to pile on worse things them physical harm. I have to pile on how I'm alone. I have to pile on everyone I have lost. I have to pile on how all I ever do is set in this dark hole of sadness digging myself deeper and deeper every second. And the worst part is it is all my fault. I am the one holding the shovel. I am the one who digs everything up. And even though I know and understand very clearly that this is all ny fault I will never be able to put down my shovel and crawl back out of this hole. Belive me I have tried to climb out of this horrible place, but as soon as I get to the top all the dirt from the past just falls back on top of me putting me right back at the bottom. So until the day I can finally climb my way out I will continue to dig and dig.
