𝕊𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪~ 𝕎𝕚𝕝𝕓𝕦𝕣 𝕤𝕠𝕠𝕥 𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕤𝕥

𝕊𝕚𝕩

My eyes wandered over to the clock admitting red light.. 4:34 am.

This is painful, like slow torturing I'm doing to myself. Non the less I had to move on with life, I kind of wish it was that goddamn simple. I just want to close my eyes.

Please let me close my eyes and sleep in peace.

I just want my mind to float away in a void of black while asleep, I don't care if I remember dreams or not. I just want my mind at rest. Whether I force it or not.

Turning in my covers for the 5th time in 3 minutes, I sigh. I do that a lot now thinking about it. My body facing upwards, with half my leg in the sheets and the other half exposed to the cold dead room. I open my eyes again, just to stare at the ceiling.

Maybe there something I could do to make me fall asleep..

But what?
And how would I even get it?

My mind drifts off onto other thoughts, my head kind of works like the ocean and a piece of wood in a storm. The piece of wood never stops moving, sometimes it floats on the top safe from the deep ocean below. Then sometimes the waves crash on top and force the wood to go under, most of the time unwillingly.

The piece of wood never stops rotating and moving, making it almost impossible to get a break. Then there are moments, moments of complete silence under the ocean. To reach that one moment the wood has to reach the lowest part of the raging ocean. So far down that no more noise and movement is found. Then the wood just floats, but eventually it has to come back up to the surface.

That moment of complete silence is a nightmare and a dream. I want complete silence, but it's also scary. All the loud banging thoughts in your head just stop, and it's terrifying.

It's usually so dark down there, I would describe it as it being static. But that doesn't make sense considering that it's supposed to be quiet down there. I suppose nothing is silent.

Looking back to the clock, I read the bright red numbers. 5:09 am..

Time feels like it doesn't exist, maybe it doesn't. Time goes way too quick and way too slow. Yet it feels like time skips over days or even months. Even if I tried I couldn't keep up with time.

I finally had enough of not being able to sleep and get up, a little too quickly. So I just sat at the edge of my bed contemplating life. What was I even going to do if I got up? Sally is sleeping and so is Fundy. We all have our rooms so I could just hang out in here.

I glance over to my guitar, I shouldn't. It's late and I'm sure I'll wake up Sally.. don't want that happening. Letting loose of my head I just sit there in an awkwardly comfortable yet uncomfortable position. Shutting my eyes again I take in all the sounds around me, the air conditioning working just fine. The cars outside casually going by every so often. The slow wind outside the window.

This is real life, it's so strange.

Again, for the third time, I look at my clock. I feel anger towards it. That thing is keeping me hostage in this stupid time bubble. It can't possibly be 6 am.

No way.

Why can't it just go away, I don't want to look at it anymore. I don't want to depend on it, I just want to fucking throw it across my room. And watch as all the pieces that once made up that, that monstrosity shatter everywhere.

I want all the small and large fragments of the clock to fly everywhere. I want to look down on it and see what I've done.

But I can't, I simply can't.

I'm trapped here, with a piece of floating wood and a clock that holds me hostage.

It's eternal with no way out. I want a way out.

I'll make my damn tunnel, I will spend hours reaching for the sense of relief. For that one moment. 'Cause the static noise still haunts me.

Yet I still have to get out of bed and make breakfast for my child. Who deserves nothing but an amazing life away from the pink hair monster. And a woman who has done nothing but torment me and make me believe that I am worth nothing.

That I contribute nothing to this world I walk on.

Yet, I have to clean the house, look over my son's homework, and cook dinner. For my family, a family that I didn't ask for. But I'm here, I didn't ask to have a son. Yet I still provide for him, feed him, give him attention, and give him the best life I can.

But there's this barricade stopping me from being happy, and it's her. I'm aware, but I can't escape. I've tried.

She is the reason I want to drown myself in the fucking ocean.

She is the reason why I look at myself and see ugliness.

She is the reason I cover up in makeup.

She is the sole reason why I have to convince myself that everything is going to be okay.

Because the only way to get away with a lie is to believe it yourself.

————

Hello!!
Damn this is kind of sad–

Welp, ty for reading and remember ily. Take care of yourself!!
(945 words)

—Tye