Abandoning Ally

Chapter Twenty Two

It would make life so much easier.

Time passed slowly. It could have been minutes or even hours until Cora broke the silence. She looked at me, her eyes showing every ounce of concern. "Don't say that Ally... I know you have had a really hard upbringing. You have probably been dealt the shittest hand ever, but you can't think like that. If you weren't you, we wouldn't have met and I wouldn't have met my best friend. If you weren't you, you would never have met Marie or even Noah. If you weren't you, you wouldn't have had the best parents until you were eleven. You were such an important person in their lives, in our lives. You have made such a big impact on all of us. " She said softly, her hand resting over mine, squeezing in comfort or in reassurance. I wasn't sure.

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak instead I just stared out at the sea. Watching the sea do its dance with the sand. The will they meet, will they not, dance. I felt as though the sea was mocking me, the waves a representation of me and the sand my family that I had lost over the years and the people who were supposed to love me.

"You are important. You are special. You are loved by all of us here in Swansea."

I nodded absently.

"Let's go back inside. There is a storm coming and we are going to get soaked." Cora said, looking up at the sky with a frown. She held my arms carefully and pulled me up. She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and led me back to Marie's house.

My home.

•••

Dear Mum,

I think I have officially worried Marie.

It has been a week since Kate has visited and broken the news about James Robert, the 37-year-old man who was from Eastern New York. And in that week, I have found it so hard to function. To think. To live.

I've had a week off work. A week at home.

Finding out about James is just as hard as losing you and dad. It's like I'm experiencing your death all over again. I am just so so tired.

Every night I have had the same dream of the crash. It always starts the same way, you and dad are there and I'm in the back. Except, each time as we crash and spin out and flip, James is there with me in the back, he grabs my hand and holds it tightly between his two meaty ones. He kisses it gently and tells me he is sorry for not finding me sooner. For leaving me alone.

It is kind of ironic, isn't it? All alone.

I knew it was too good to be true. As soon as Kate showed me his picture, I had the littlest glimmer of hope. I automatically thought, irrationally so, that maybe he was my dad.

He had dark brown hair with a tint of red and big brown eyes. He had the same smile as me and stood just as awkwardly as I do in photos. He even did that weird thing with his hand like I do in photos, you know on the hip.

Kate said she would be back to talk to me more about him once I have had time to process it.

Process that a man who was my biological father was dead and only tried to find me when he was on his deathbed.

She'll be back tomorrow.

I don't think I have had enough time to process.

How do I process this mum? What if I don't like what she has found? What if she tells me that he had his own family?

I think that would kill me, mum.

I don't think I could handle hearing that.

- Ally.