Abandoning Ally

Chapter Five

(This chapter hasn't been edited)

Sunday 5th June 2013

I awoke and sat up quickly, my mouth dry, my heart pounding and the sound of distant waves lapping the shore, coming from the direction of the beach, filled the silence of the room. It was dark, but there was a strip of light stretching right to where I was, stopping at the head of my bed, where I had been sleeping. This was all so familiar, not the room, I'm still getting used to that, but the nightmares that are causing so many restless nights.

The car crash still haunts me to this day, and almost every night, when I close my eyes and fall asleep, I'm hit with the same dream, but with alternate endings in which my parents usually blame me for their deaths.  I was just glad no one was here in this room witnessing the total mess I had become. I could feel the mixture of both sweat and tears dripping down my face. I felt warm and sticky, the humid air wasn't helping the situation I was in, but still, I felt gross.

I pushed my covers off my body and stood up and in one motion I grabbed my diary and a dark blanket that was sitting at the end of my bed. I knew I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep, I hardly ever had much luck after bad dreams, so I decided to sit on the beach and watch the peaceful motions of the waves. My mind liked to stay active, it always liked to replay the dream and create alternative scenarios which would normally scare me so much that the thought of closing my eyes would be impossible.  

I slipped out of my bedroom, letting the door close slowly behind me. I tiptoed down the stairs as quietly as I could, trying to avoid waking Mrs Webber from her sleep. I walked through the kitchen to the back door as it leads to a white gate at the back of Mrs Webber's property and gives you access to the beach. Glancing over at the oven I checked it for the time, a digital clock mounted into it, the numbers 5.21am were lit up.

A cool, light breeze hit me once I had reached the sand. The sand was soft and cold under my toes, it was kind of refreshing in a way. Orange and pink lit the sky, the bottom of the clouds lit in a fiery glow. I admired the glittering reflection of the sun on the ocean, the awe that I felt reminded me why sunrises have always been my favourite part of the day.  A chance to start over. It allowed you to hope. Hope for all the unlimited possibilities a new day could offer you.  

I sunk down onto the sand a couple of metres away from the back of Mrs Webber's fence, wrapped up in my blanket. I brought my knees up to my chest, pen, and diary in hand.

Sunday 5th June.

Dear Mum,

I think the panic attack that I had yesterday triggered my nightmares to start up again. I woke up to another nightmare, but this time, it wasn't the usual one, the one where you blamed me.

It started off the same way, we were heading to lunch. You and dad were sitting in the front of our Nissan, dad was driving, soft music filled the car as we all discussed what we were planning to order for lunch. I remember you turning back to look at me, laughing at how I always ordered the same thing, every single time.

 "Why try something different, if I know I am going to be satisfied with what I usually order." I joked back to you and you replied back your five cents of wisdom.

"Ally, my dear, my sweet girl, sometimes change can be a good thing."

Next thing I knew we were hit.

Dad was killed on impact and instead of you dying after a couple of minutes, you were stuck. The car was tipped upside down, and you two were hanging upside down. You yelled at me to get out and go get help but I couldn't, this time I was stuck too.

Then, instead of saying "be happy, Ally, we love you." Or the "this is all your fault." You just kept saying "change can be good, Ally. Don't give up on change."

Then you died again.

I can't help but wonder if this is your way of telling me that everything is going to be okay. That maybe I'm not going to feel as alone anymore. I mean I have a friend now, I think. I hope I didn't scare her away after that panic attack yesterday afternoon. Though, that would be just my luck.

Her name is Cora, she lives a couple doors down from Mrs Webber's house. Mum, you would really like her, she's a genuinely nice person, and you don't see many people like that now-days. She's funny and friendly and she really seems to care.

And you would love Mrs Webber, she is honestly so kind. She has offered me so much more than any other family has, mum. She genuinely cares and she has made me feel welcomed and safe. I haven't felt this safe in a long time.

I want to be able to let them in, mum.

I want to be able to let people in.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

Love you and miss you,

Ally.

I closed my diary gently and looked up and out to the ocean. The colours had now changed to a purple and blue, which blended like a prism. The sun had risen out of its horizon and was beginning to shine down over the beach, warming the cool air.

The beach had populated in the short amount of time that I had been here, it was filled with runners and their dogs, surfers, people walking hand in hand with loved ones. Everyone was beginning their day with their normal routines, this was something that I would like to learn to be able to do here. This is my life now whether I liked it or not. I'm going to have to make the most of each possibility that I am offered.

I stood up, blanket and pen in hand and turned to head back to Mrs Webber's house.

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