Blood means nothing

Help

"Ben?"

I turned quickly to see Y/N standing behind me. She looked different tonight. Her hair was now messy and high up on her head, her eyes looked as if someone had drained them dry. She looked exhausted.

"Y/N, I was not expecting to see you here."

"Clearly," she said. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and walked towards me, she was close enough I could smell the mint scent wafting from her. Her eyes glanced up at my face and drifted downwards to my right shoulder, "that looks like it hurts" she said with the concern evident in the bend of her brow.

"It does. That's why I am here."

Not to be hypocritical but what was Y/N doing here? She looked as if she had just rolled off her cot not as if she had been injured.

"Makes sense. Here let me help you," she said as she reached for my lower arm. I shuddered as she wrapped her ice-cold fingers around its circumference but I did not let myself yank away from her touch. She led me over to a nearby stool before releasing her grip and wandering back to the shelf I was reaching for earlier. As she walked away, I gathered that she must get cold very easily. Tonight, she wore a beige sweater and black pants. The typical sleeping attire for staff. I could not help but notice I had worn the inverse of her colors; a black sweater and beige pants.

Y/N made her way back to me. Gauze, the injection, and something else I didn't recognize in her hand. Ready to fix my issue, I reached for the injector.

She looked at me cautiously while pulling the medication away from my reach and placing it on the counter beside her.

"You'll need to remove your shirt," she gestured toward my chest.

"I think not."
That was just too vulnerable for my liking. I had not been shirtless in front of anyone in a long time. Not since becoming Kylo Ren. As far as everyone knew, I was just one of Snoke's droids in a suit.

Smirking, "Do you want to feel better or not?" she said very matter-of-factly.

"Yes." I mumbled, "but I can do it myself I don't need you."

As soon as I said that, Y/N's smirk ceased.
"Oh, I see. There seems to be a pattern of that today."

"A pattern of what?" I asked.

Y/N looked down at the roll of gauze and bottle of antiseptic in her hands. When she finally raised her face I could see tears swelling in the corner.

"Of being useless"

Her voice was just a whisper. As she turned to leave, I grabbed her gently by the wrist.
"Y/N that isn't what I meant. I didn't mean...I just meant I can do this by myself," my tone surprised even me. I sounded like a child apologizing for breaking a friend's toy.

"I know..." she said still facing away from me, "I know that's not what you meant but I might as well be."

"Y/N."

"I lost my job today."

My hand fell from her wrist.

"Well I guess technically I didn't but I was demoted."

That was my fault. I watched as Hux ripped her away from her position. With my head in my hands, I gazed down at the floor. Seemed like a long bout of uncomfortable silence before I saw the tips of Y/Ns shoes and felt her hand rest on my good shoulder.

"Ben?"

How could I possibly look her in the eye after that?

"Please let me help you. I want to help you."

I couldn't possibly accept her help knowing what I had done. I realized now that I had not helped Y/N when I suggested she only be demoted. I had hurt her.

"No."

"Why won't you..."

"I will but I have to help you first, alright?"

Y/N started to smile. A smile I had yet to see. This one was of no comparison. It did not matter how tired she had looked when I first entered the infirmary because this smile cast a glow on her entire face, the freckles in the crease of her cheek like stars that illuminated the night sky.

"Sounds fair I guess," she laughed.

Yes, this was something I could do.

"What can I do for you?" I said, strangely eager to make things right.

Y\N playfully placed her fist under her chin and thought on this for a minute.

"First, you swear you won't make fun of me?" she said all of a sudden appearing very shy and timid.

"I swear."

"Ok. Ben?"

I was getting nervous now.

"Could we keep doing this?"

She couldn't possibly mean.

"Keep doing what?" I said, raising my head up only to meet her gaze straight on. Those eyes brimming with hope.

"Seeing each other," her cheeks blushed; her eyes now scanned my face, for an answer.

Something flickered in my chest. Why would she want to see me? My heart rate must have accelerated at the prospect. Nobody ever wanted to see me.

No. That's not true.

Nobody ever wanted to see Kylo Ren.

Ben was who she wanted to see... but he was no more; he was dead.

"Ben?"

However; hearing her say that name made me feel as though he still lived.

Y/N's eyes fell to the floor and she quickly released her hold on me. She quickly turned to face the door.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean...," her voice fell flat and her shoulders caved in; "forget I said that. I'm just being stupid."

I was without words. What could I possibly say to her? I know I said I would help...but I knew I could not keep her in my life. This could be my chance for a clean break.

"I'm going to go now," she said while fidgeting with her hair. Then slowly she made her way towards the infirmary's archway, where she lingered for just a moment. A slight gasp of air emitted from her direction as if she were about to say something more; however, no words would come. As the infirmary doors sealed shut behind her, I found myself listening to her steps as she made her way down the long hall, alone in the darkness.