Blood means nothing

Exist

                                    Y/N's POV:

I don't know where I'm going...

Fuck this place.

Fuck Hux

Fuck everybody.

I could barely see by the time I turned the corner to my room. Vision made hazy from my still falling tears. I placed my hand on the palm scanner and in I went.

Alone. Finally.

I fell down back first onto my cot. Bed cover already at the foot, I pulled it up and over my head. I wanted to scream. Ever since basic training it has been my dream to set foot on this ship and now it felt like a nightmare from which I could not escape; a sink pit that just kept pulling me further down until I could no longer breathe.

I remember when I first met Hux. I was recommended by my then commanding officer for the comms position. Out of the five contenders, he had come personally to bring me aboard. Things seemed to fall into place. My dream job on board the coolest ship in the galaxy. The ship that transported commander Kylo Ren: the great apprentice to the Supreme leader. It seemed like I was destined for great things.

"Fucking exist."

Huxs' words still played in my head... I was still unsure as to why the General had still taken such a turn with me. One day he could not commend me enough to his peers for finding the rebel Poe Dameron; the next he would not even spit on me if I was on fire.  He seemed convinced that I was up to no good and I had no idea why. The whole change in attitude and atmosphere aboard the ship had me re-thinking my entire existence. Each day I felt like everybody was staring at me like I was some sort of traitor; guilty when I was 100 percent innocent.

There was, however, a silver lining.

Ben

Meeting Ben that night in the cafeteria really helped to pull me out of that pit I was in. I was about to resign. Get off at the next stop and never come back. Hux would gladly pack my bags for me and most likely toss me off the boarding ramp before we had even landed anywhere.

Maybe I was being foolish. Was it foolish to believe that things could get better or foolish to hope that meeting me had any sort of effect on Ben too?

"Could we keep doing this?"

How dumb could I have possibly been...why on earth would I ask that? Literally, I had only met the man a few nights ago. He probably thought I was so desperate. How childish to ask for friendship and not even just that but throwing it out as a way for him to help me. How am I supposed to show my face around him? Did he even want to see me again? I needed to face the facts; I was desperate. Desperate for something to keep me tethered to reality; something to make me feel happy.

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I few weeks ago I had sent a request to the general's assistant for a day of planetary leave. We were set to reach Jakku by tomorrow night and that was my chance to get some time away from the ship. The goals of the mission were as well as hopefully capturing Poe Dameron was that the ship needed to stop and switch out some of the troopers that had been left to survey the locals with fresh eyes. My request was accepted practically immediately, probably because the general was just so thrilled to have me out of his hair for the night.

There was one exception; however, I had to be accompanied by a crew member at all times. I guessed this was because he thought I would divulge information to the resistance somehow. Then I had a thought, maybe I could smooth things over with Ben and actually ask him to be the one to accompany me. I had been avoiding him ever since the infirmary because I was so embarrassed by my needy behavior that night. But I did need someone to accompany me or else I couldn't get off the ship. I needed off this ship for my sanity, at least for a day. Definitely seemed more like a job offer rather than a desperate favor, I could request that much from him right? I wondered if I would be able to locate him before we docked and if he would be up for the task. I really hoped so. I would walk the ship and search the usual places for him tonight.