Blood means nothing

Appearances

I stood in utter silence. My body solid and unmoving as I watched the gaze of the bystanders dart feverishly between she and I. The silence was only temporary. It was at that moment, everyone's thoughts began ringing in my ears.

"I cannot believe she's getting away with that."

Slowly, the air started to fill with incoherent mumblings and that was the consensus. My lack of response had not gone unnoticed. Their commander had let an officer undermine him and not only him but the General as well. When I glanced behind me, I could tell that Hux was fuming. Though the General did not like me very much, he was a man of order. A staff member with an apparent attitude toward the boss, no matter how casual, was not the natural order of things. It must be corrected. I must be the one to correct it.

As the now former officer began to turn the corner, I quickly pursued after her. When I caught up to her, I hastily grabbed her by the shoulder and jerked her to face me. Her head hung low, hair now a heavy curtain draped down by her cheeks, and her body trembled. I was looming over her now I had completely terrified her. Which was good. I intended to be terrifying. I needed her to be afraid of me.

"You will not speak to your superiors in such a manner. See to it that it never happens again, officer. If this continues you may lose more than your job."

As I said this, her eyes slowly became more visible. Her blue eyes now marred with red as they strained fighting back tears. Her cheeks appeared flushed and obviously dampened. Perhaps she had stifled her sobs in an effort to compose herself when she had heard my impending approach.

Her strained eyes finally linked with mine from under the mask. Though of course, she could not have known that. I felt a small twinge in my chest. It was as if I felt... guilty. But what reason had I to feel guilty? I saved her. I prevented her from being kicked off the ship at the next stop. She should have shown her appreciation with a genuine thank you.

"My apologies, Commander."

Her voice was monotone and methodical. Going through the motions to appease any onlookers and myself. It was the same generic apology the commanders and generals always received. It was cold and empty without any actual remorse but that did not matter, it was solely to keep up appearances and to re-establish the hierarchy of command. The apology made the twinge in my chest return, even stronger than before. For some strange reason, it felt wrong to hear this woman call me "Commander". It sounded strangely inappropriate. All I wanted, in that moment was to hear her call me Ben again.

No. She nor anyone else should ever use that name again. Ben Solo died years ago. I would not speak ill of the dead but he was much better off that way.

"You are dismissed." I said finally releasing my hold on her.

Y/N nodded in agreement and quickly turned and walked away from me. As she went, I glanced down at my gloved hands; I found myself grateful for the barrier they placed between us but also resented the distance they provided.

This was all such foolishness.

I needed not only a barrier between she and I but also a barrier between me and everyone else. The whole damn galaxy. After all, nobody actually mattered in the grand scheme of things, only Snoke and the First Order. I had cut off my own flesh and blood years ago; separating myself from Y/N would be no different, simple. I have only spoken to her twice. I have gone years without seeing her aboard this ship. I would make certain that I never came back into contact with her again for her sake and for that of my own.

Still, I found myself watching her walk away down the long dark hall. As I watched her turn left, toward what I guessed were her chambers, I could not help but be curious about what she would do with the rest of her time since she would not be working today. Would she eat with friends in the commissary or stay in and take a rest? Strangely, that notion made me feel a pang of jealousy. Y/N was able to have some semblance of normalcy in her life while I would never be able to afford such a luxury.