Happier

Fake Smile

Ahsoka's POV

Once Obi-Wan has left the smile that was on my face dropped. I didn't tell him that I knew he was lying. He was telling the truth when telling me to talk to him whenever, but his smile with Nellie wasn't fake. It was 100% real. I could tell that he really likes Nellie

I am not jealous but it just brakes my heart knowing that everyone I thought cared about me where just faking it this whole time. 

I grab the cups and everything from the tea and bring it into the small kitchen I have. I dump it in the sink and I notice the small picture of Anakin, Obi-Wan, Padme, and I. I look closer in the picture and there smiles look so fake. No one had a gleam in their eye like they have with Nellie. Just seeing it makes me want to cry. 

Nobody cared about me

everybody wanted me gone

they are happier without me

I feel like my hands start to shake. I also notice in the picture that Anakin, Padme, and Obi-wan are closer to each other and I am left to basically stand by myself on the side. I grab the picture and chuck it across the room. I hear the glass from the picture break and this just sets me off. I slide to the floor and let tears that I have been holding in for forever free. They just fall down my face and I let them. 

Just sitting here now I start to think of things that I never noticed anything wrong with as a Padawan for Anakin. I would usually spend time alone and it would end in late nights sparring with myself. Whenever I would try and go to the barracks the clones would make a quick conversation with me then they would head off. they would always try to avoid me. 

Now that I think of it everyone would try to avoid me. I would usually end up alone doing things when I was a youngling. My group would always hang out together and I would be left alone. I don't remember the last time I had a true friend. 

I would usually feel sad when thinking about these things but now I feel    numb. 

You know what I don't want to stay in the temple anymore. I know I can sign up for missions. I might as well sign up for as many as I can, to keep my mind off of things and so I won't have to be at the temple. If everyone wanted to stay away from me I will make it easier for them. 

I still have time left today to do it so I head to the office where they can assign you missions. Once I get there, no one except the man who assigns missions. The council assigns the main missions. These will still be taking out separatists but they aren't top priority. I ask him what mission I can get but he tells me the council has one for me but they will assign me it tomorrow. 

I thank him and say that once that mission is done I will come here to get another mission. I decide to head to the training room after that to blow off some steam, but then I see Anakin and Nellie training. I decide to go to a more private training room. I go a long way around them and try to drown out the sound of them talking happily and Anakin praising her more than he ever did with me. 

Once I reached the private room I close and lock the door. I see a punching bag in the corner of the room and I decide to do that before I work with my lightsabers. I put my lightsabers on a bench and I take off my tank top, leaving me in a sports bra. I plan on trying to see how far my limits will go so the more moving room I have will be the best. There is a wrap for my hands next to the punching bag and I begin to put it on. 

Once I am done I start to punch the bag as hard as I can. After a while of doing that I start to remember the moment where I needed to do this the most

Ahsoka you where supposed to follow order but you messed it all up

You are never going to get a master who would want a Padawan like you

I never wanted a Padawan and if I did they would be nothing like you

Just thinking of these things makes me punch harder and harder.  Nothing else matters. I need to become stronger, then once I do maybe I can make some people feel bad. I need to become stronger to protect the people that I love. I won't care if they don't care about me anymore, they just can't die because of me. I won't let innocent clones die because of me. 

I pull myself out of the trance I was in punching the punching bag. I may have made a whole in it but I will just turn it around. No one will notice it. I am drenched in sweat and breathing heavily but I need to train more. I grab my lightsabers and turn on the training droid to maximum. I get in a ready trance and I hear the beep saying the the droid is now starting. 

It starts shooting the lasers and I block everyone one of them. It gets faster and faster and harder and harder. It makes me go into another trance like state. It feels like I am on a battle field. Clones are all around me fighting of the droids while I block the shots coming for them but it feels like this mission is going wrong. 

I see the droids advancing. there are like 10 sniper droids basically taking everyone out. There is barely anything I can do about. I block harder and faster advancing on the droids and taking them out one by one. 

Suddenly the training droid stops and I come out of my trance. I notice that I may or may not have made plenty of scratches all over the training room. I put my lightsaber away and grab a water bottle that was on the now have of a bench. I grab my tank top and put it back on. 

I unlock the door of the training room and head out. No one is here so I must have stayed real late like I did the other day. I quickly walk back to my room and head to my fresher. I turn on a warm shower and hop in. Usually a shower makes me feel fresh but I don't feel anything I don't feel dirty, I don't feel clean. It's like I don't know what to feel anymore. 

My life has changed so much, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.