The loss of innocence...

Chapter 5: Trusting?

It felt strange yet almost like it use to be with Austin. It was wrong to be like this. I know he would never hurt me. For the first time in awhile i felt a smile on my lips, a real one.

"So....." I stopped just outside the classroom and looked up at him.

"What is it?" He looked nervous and it was kinda cute. It reminded me of why I fell for him in the first place.

"Are you still coming by my house after school?" He asks shyly.

I forgot about that. I need to move on, maybe he could help me. I just nodded and smiled a little.

He looked relieved and smiled. The bell rang and he ran off. I wish we had this class together.  I slowly trugged inside and took my seat.

To be honest I have no fucking idea what class was about. Most of the class I just sat lost in the depths of my mind. Before I knew it 5 minutes turned into an hour and a half.

I jumped when the final bell rang. Over already? I packed up my stuff and when I looked up Austin was standing outside the door waiting for me. My savior.

I slowly walked up to him. I was dreading the next class not because it was Math although that did suck. Jackson was in our class.

I held onto Austin's arm tighter. He smiled and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. He made me feel safe, at least when Jackson was around.

I hurried to the back of the class pulling him with me. He chuckled at me. I scooted my desk closer to his and sat down. I tensed when jackson walked into the room. I turned away and turned to Austin.

I layed my head down against my desk. I use to love school. And in a week I would graduate. Now I don't really care anymore.

Finals were over so apparently we get to watch a pointless movie. The lights were turned off. I could hear Austin talking. I missed that, having fun with friends. Then I heard him. He was talking to Jackson.

I looked away and covered my ears. I felt so betrayed.  But how can I? I never told Austin what happened. I never told anyone. So why am I so hurt that they're still friends. Stupid I know. I pulled out my phone and put my head phones in and pushed play.

The song I use to love but now made me sick started playing.

Could you check my pulse
To see if I'm alive
Cause every time that I'm near you
It's the only time I feel alive

I didn't want to listen to this kind of song even though I love sleeping with sirens.  I pushed skip and it turned to who are you now by SWS.

Don't wake me up if I'm sleeping this life away
Tell me that I'll never be good enough
Sometimes it hurts to think it could really be that way
It won't be that way
I'm tired and I'm lost
I don't wanna be found
I put my heart and soul
And strength in this now
So forgive me cause I won't forget that
Yeah, this world has changed me
So you know when you ask me
Who are you now?
Did you say what you want?
Don't go back to the start
I'm asking who are you now?
Did they break you apart?
Won't you fight back for what you want?
Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
We're gonna work it out
Yeah yeah
Don't don't don't wake me up
Cause I hate who I am today
So come on, come on
And just take take what you want
Is it now what we're living for?
We're always wanting more
Always take take take take take!
You made me hate my own reflection
Question every choice I make
So I could try to be perfect
But I will try to be fake
So forgie me cause I really could care less
That this world has changed me
So you know when you ask me
Who are you now?
Did you say what you want?
Don't go back to the start
I'm asking who you are now?
Did they break you apart?
Won't you fight for what you want?
Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
And sometimes you really live
You've gotta try
We can change it all together
In the end you're gonna find
That what we felt in our hearts was real the whole time
When you open up your eyes
I hope that you find
Who you are who you are
Who are you now?
Who are you now?
Who are you now?
Did you say what you want?
Don't go back to the start
I'm asking, who are you now?
Did they break you apart?
Won't you fight for what you want?
Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
Fall before you fly
We're gonna work it out

I can't tell you how many times I put that song on replay. I loved it, seemed right. I leaned my head up when the lights came back on. Time for lunch. I put my phone away and walked with my boyfriend to the cafeteria.

I went ahead to our table while he got our food. I didn't really feel like talking to anyone so I stayed quiet. Someone sat down next to me and I smiled.

"Hey babe" I turned but it wasn't Austin it was Jackson. I scooted back from him.

"Babe huh?" He smiled and I felt my stomach churning. I looked around the table at my friends. Surely he won't do anything.

I just stayed quiet.

"So Austin asked me to talk to you because he's worried about you." He wouldn't take his eyes off me, like he was looking right through me."stop being stupid" I felt my jaw drop. Excuse me? A tray was set in front of me and I turned to Austin. I had to fight back the tears that threatened to fall.

*****************************************

I took a deep breath as I followed Austin into his room. I was scared, not of him of course. I know he would never try to force me or hurt me. I just had trouble trusting people now.

He sat down on the bed and I sat beside him. He layed back and pulled me with him. I was hesitant at first but I layed my head against his chest.

He always made everything okay, made it safe. This felt like the old us. I could never truly give myself to him before. I wanted to but we never did. I was a virgin....was.... so we spent countless hours just holding onto one another.

Hours had passed just laying together. Honestly I have no idea how we didn't run out of things to talk about. I looked out the window and it was dark. It felt like my life was on autopilot just passing me right by.

I sat up and smiled at him. " I should go" I got up and he pulled me back down kissing me. Slowly I began kissing back. I trusted him. It felt like maybe we could go back to being us till he slipped his hand up my shirt. My body froze.

"No!" I managed to push him off me and jumped up running to his door. " I'm sorry I should go" I ran out before he could stop me. Fuck me....

I practically ran all the way home. I walked inside and immediately felt relieved.

"Hey sweetheart" I looked up at the sound of my mother's voice. I felt happy to see her. "You missed dinner"she says.

"Not hungry,  kinda tired gonna go to bed." I kissed her cheek and went up to my room.  Maybe I'll be okay. I can hope. I didn't even bother changing I crawled into bed and passed out, literally.