The loss of innocence...

Chapter 2: Pretending

My chest felt tight. I ran to the bathroom, locking myself in a staw. Deep breaths Kaya. I was gasping trying to calm down my breathing. I sank down to the floor against the wall. I can't keep doing this. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks.

I heard the door open and I covered my mouth with my hand.  Please go away. My breathing became shallow. I tried wippng my tears away only for more to follow. I heard the door close and it got quiet. I wiped my eyes and peeked out the door to make sure I was alone. I sighed in relief and walked out the door.

Time for class. I don't want to see his face....once upon a time I couldn't wait to see his smile. We were so close. Now every time he looks at me or tries to talk to me, I feel sick. I just wanna die.

I walked into class late and all the eyes looked up at me. Just what I need. I caught Austin waving me over beside him. I hurried and sat down. I looked at Austin and smiled.

"Thank you" I whispered. He layed his hand on mine. I miss that, it's not the same. I felt eyes on me and looked up. There he was, sitting right in front of me...I quickly looked down.

"Hey Kaya." Jackson smiled at me. I felt my skin crawl. I scooted my desk back away from him and Austin gave me a questioning look. I just shrugged my shoulders and looked up at the front of the classroom.

I honestly couldn't tell you anything that we were suppose to learn. The hole time I had my hands gripping onto my desk so hard that I couldn't feel my fingers.

"Baby are you okay?" Austin leans in closer to me. He looked worried. How can I do this to him?

"Yes babe I'm okay just feeling a little sick." It wasn't a lie. I asked the teacher to be excused because I wasn't feeling well. I can't stay I'm this class another second. Jackson kept watching me.

"I'll help her to the nures office" I panicked. Jackson stood and followed me out of the room. Maybe I can get away from him. I tried to hurry and he grabbed my arm. I flinched and tried to pull away. He only pulled me back and gripped my arm harder.

I bit my lip to keep from whimpering in pain. I couldn't look at him.

"Why the fuck are you being like this!?" He spat at me.

"You fucking know why!" I pulled my hand from his.

"Nothing happened that you didn't god damn want." I flinched away at his words. Wanted it? I was crying I said no and he just wouldn't stop. I slowly backed away from him as he stepped closer.

"Stay the fuck away from me" I cried as I took off running down the hall. I kept running till I made it to the nurses office. I stopped to catch my breath. I opened the door and smiled to the nurse. I sat down and held my stomach.

"What's wrong dear?" She asked.

"I'm feeling sick." And I was I could still feel his hand on my skin. My stomach started churning and I ran to the trash can and threw up. I can't let this keep happening.

"Dear I think you should go home" she smiled sadly at me and gave me a slip. Thank god. I took it from her and practically ran out the door. I have to get away. I ran all the way home.

I walked through the door and slammed right into my mother.

"What are you doing home?"

"I was feeling sick," I ran past her, ignoring her calling after me. And i ran up to my room locking the door. I threw myself onto the bed and buried my face into the pillow. I screamed into the pillow till my throat was sore. I can't get away from this. It's never going to get better.

I sat up and pulled the razor from under my mattress. You hear about people that self harm and I hated that. But all I ever feel is pain and at least I can control this pain.

I pulled up the sleeve of my shirt and held the blade to my arm. Who have I become? He made me this way. I slid the blade across my skin and I felt just a little better. I've become something I don't even recognize anymore.

I didn't try to stop the tears this time. I need to let them out. I can't tell anyone. This is my burden and I have to live with it.