ANA - A Collection Of Anorexia Poems ⚠

Will I Ever Be Done?

When I was a kid
My family didn't own a scale.

I didn't know the exact number
Of how much I weighed
But I already had a problem with it.

One day, we got a scale.

First thing I did was use it.

That made the problem worse.

Now that I had the exact number
I could compare it with other numbers.

Something about anorexia interested me,
And I know that is horrible.

Maybe I'm horrible.

But I didn't care at the time.

I always knew what would happen,
If I didn't eat for a while.

But in my head, none of it mattered,
If it made me thinner.

I didn't care if it was dangerous.

If I could be thinner, I'd do it.

I didn't care what would happen to me,
I just wanted to be happy
And I always associated happiness,
With being thin.

And I still do that,
And I'm wondering if I always will.

I'm not afraid of death.

I'm afraid to gain weight.

Just the thought of even just gaining one ounce,
Causes panic attacks.

Not being able to control myself,
That scares me.

I don't want to let the voice go,
And that scares me,
Because I know I need to.

But I don't want to.

I scare myself.

I know that she wants to kill me,
And I know I should ignore her.

But it's hard to do that,
Because she's always there.

She's always there,
Encouraging me to starve.

She's always there,
With a response to what others say.

She's always there,
Waiting until I come back to her

Because she knows I always do.

And I know she wants me dead

But I want to listen to her.

I know she hates me.

But I love her,
Even though I know I shouldn't.

Whenever someone tells me that I don't need to lose weight
I never believe them.

If they tell me I'm already skinny,
I don't believe them.

Because every time I look in the mirror,
I don't see what they see.

I see what anorexia wants me to see.

I see exactly what I don't want to see,
And I don't think I'll ever see what I want.

My reflection will never be how I want it to.

The numbers will never be at where I want them to.

It'll never be enough.

I will never be enough.

Maybe one day I'll recover,
And be happy without Ana.

But right now it seems impossible.

I'm not done yet.

Will I ever be done?