ANA - A Collection Of Anorexia Poems ⚠

Sick For So Long

Never develop an eating disorder.
You'll spend your life running,
And running,
And running.
Trying to chase one impossible dream,
Then suddenly feeling pressured into going after another,
While reaching your arm towards the previous one.

You'll grip tighter onto it,
The more others try to pull you away.
Because you'll be so scared to live without it,
Because you don't know life without it anymore.

Who am I without my anorexia?

I've made it my life, my entire life,
My eating disorder is my personality,
And without it will I know who I am?
Will I still be me, without my sickness?
I can't remember who I am without my sickness,
And nobody has met me,
Without meeting my anorexia.

At first they cared.
They were proud of me when I ate,
Happy when I decided to first try to recover.
At first they asked me if I ate every day,
During my recovery.
They supported me through the relapses.
But then, after relapse number who knows what,
Everything stopped.

They stopped asking if I ate.
They stopped telling me I wasn't fat.
They stopped acknowledging my vents.

I tell my girlfriend I don't want to eat,
And all she asks is "Why can't you just be good?"
I tell my friends I want to lose weight,
And they don't even acknowledge it.

You keep being sick for so long that,
Eventually everyone just loses faith in you.
Everyone stops caring, everyone stops trying to understand.
And you're left alone with your eating disorder.

You trying to recover again isn't a big deal,
Because they know you don't want to.
And they get sick of helping you,
Because they realize you don't want it.

But I want it.
I want help.
I want it desperately.
I don't want to be sick anymore,
But I'm terrified.

I don't even know what I'm scared of.
Being out of control, maybe?
Losing a part of my personality?

I wish I could recover fully.
I want to.

But I'm doing it alone these days.

and it makes me just want to give up.