BEA
I think that was the worst night ever. I don't want to go over or repeat it again. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na hirap kang kumilos kasi asa tabing table niyo lang siya? I even had a hard time eating and communicating with Thirdy 'cause I kept glancing to their direction. Pag mahuli ko rin si Jia na tumitingin sa akin, it's either I'll look away or yuyuko na lang. And it's embarassing for Thirdy because I lost the appetite to eat our Dinner last night, maybe I finished only half of the plate. But he told me it's okay because he knew how nervous I was from the start. Kami ang unang umuwi sa kanila, I was the one who asked Thirdy to take me home right after dahil masama ang pakiramdam ko. Thank God at hindi siya nagtanong kung ano yun kasi sobrang concerned ng mukha niya that time. Parang kantang paulit ulit sa utak ko, yung pangyayari kagabi at kung paano sila mag-usap tas yung saya nila habang kumakain. Hindi na dapat makakaapekto sa akin subalit ako pa ang nasusuka sa nakikita. Kung bakit kasi ganito pa kahirap mag-move on.
Mga ganitong panahon, kailangan ko ng kausap. Tatawagan ko sana si Mich kaso may date ang loka, kung san nanaman dinala ni El yun. Next option, si Kim, kaso busy sa school works niya. Pati sina Maddie maraming ginagawa dahil malapit na ang Midterms. Napaghahalataang tamad akong estudyante, hindi naman sa ganun... minsan lang. Tinanong ko si Jho kung wala siyang ginagawa at sabi niya, nag-aral lang pero kung gusto ko siyang kausapin, okay lang sa kanya. Supposedly tatanggi ako kasi nag-aaral nga but Jho sensed that I have a problem kaya pinapunta ako dito sa kwarto nila. Naupo ako sa tabi niya habang nagbabasa ito ng libro. Natameme ako't hindi masabi yung problem, hindi ko rin naman masusunod ang advices niya.
"Let me guess... Jia Morado." I sighed and nodded, then she closed her book and looked at me, "Hindi ka parin nakaka-move on?"
It took me a moment before I could speak, "I am moving on but she's always there. Okay lang naman, gusto namin mabalik yung friendship. But you know, nandun parin yung konting feelings eh." I started to wonder, her recent actions... mas naging clingy siya. At first, I take it as a 'Bestfriend' thing but now I'm starting to doubt. I don't want to think that Jia has hidden intentions but compared to me, mas dumidikit siya sa akin especially when it's only the two of us together. Before, I was the one who's like that to her, sobra pa nga.
"Oh? What's with that?" I woke up from my thoughts and saw Jho's finger pointing towards me. I shook my head and pretended it was nothing. I dismissed my thoughts and was about to speak, "Hinahayaan mo kasing pumasok siya sa isipan mo lagi. Tignan mo, nauudlot yung pag-move on mo dahil sa kanya. And you let her do all the things you used to do before, sumasakay ka rin naman." I wasn't able to read Jho's face, she gasped and looked at me as if I am giving her a headache. Nagulat ako dun sa tono ng boses niya, kalmado pero nandun yung inis. Then suddenly she wiped her face and said, "Sorry." Before grabbing her book to read again.
Still, hindi ako mapalagay. Didn't look back at me again at tinuon ang sarili sa pagbabasa, "Jho?" I called but she did not say anything, "May problema ka ba.. sa akin?" It just came out of my mouth, for the past few days kaso ganyan siya. Magagalit sa akin ng walang dahilan kahit na meron. Ayaw naman sabihin sa akin, "We can talk about it..." I said and held her hand when she's about to turn the page, bumitaw siya at hindi ako tinignan. That's when I figured out, may problema nga siya.
"Hindi natin mapapagusapan ng maayos. Mahirap intindihin. Magulo. Madaming madadamay." She continued reading, nakita kong distracted na siya at hindi maka-concentrate. Ako'y naguluhan sa kanyang sinabi. Napaka-laking problema naman ata yun, as much as I wanted to know about it. Hindi na ako nag-pumilit.
I stayed in their room muna, and what she said earlier played on my mind. Bumalik ang urge kong malaman ang problema niya. Baka sakaling makatulong ako. Si Jho yung tipong chill lang pero hindi mo aakalaing may pinagdadaanan. I don't know kung nagkataon or sadyang magaling lang siya magtago ng problema. Pinapanuod ko parin si Jho, hindi na nga basa ang ginagawa, scanning and skimming na lang. Masyado ko ata siyang na-distract, I want to apologize but it seems like my tongue was cut off.
