Is this a book?

Journal

So I was told a long, long while ago by a movie I think it wasnt a person but they said it was healthy to keep around a journal to write in so I've been doing that a lot lately so I'll just make this part for my entries

So this is something I've thought of long ago I think I first thought of this in 2018 and again in early 2020 when I got into roleplays and this brought me to thinking about realities. Think of it like this, in TV shows movies, games, books, and roleplays most of the time the charectors are made to beleive that there reality is real when to us it's fake. But we beleive our reality is real, but whos to say to something else our reality is fake. I'm not trying to trigger anyone but it's an interesting thought to think that our life could just be some sims game or a book possibly even a tv show but if our reality is real then whos to say that the realities we think is fake cant be real.

I was thinking back on how I "lived" in the almost 2 decades of my life back then when I was 5 i was really gleeful everyday I forgot or didnt care about what happened the day before even  when I felt like I was running for dear life but I was optimistic for seeing other things and learning more about the world thinking it was going to be this open kind, cating and accepting place boy I was wrong about that  when school started I was the only colored person there so I stood out although I was a lot lighter then than I am now but I still stood out hell I even thought I was as white as everybody else  I never saw myself with tan skin I always used my imagination I guess to make myself think I was light skinned if that makes any sence I had some nice clothes fairly decent ones which I guess it made me look like I could have had  money on me  but I never did  then 5 bucks was a lot of money for us then but I was cheerful and nieve  and didnt know what the N word meant then just knew it was a negitive thing to say not sure where they learned the word but hay didnt bother me much  even when I was getting hit by them I still called them friends but it hurt so I slowly started to decline in my upbeat way throught the years of being in the single digit ahe  I was uh well beaten a lot always on the run from bullies and got pretty depressed if I couldn't run away fast enough I would get cought and beat up if I could run away fast enought they just curse at me and try to trap me but I made it through pretty well moving on from there to when I got my head busted open I cant even remember when it happened but I made a friend over a wall but I had to go do homework so I did and when finished I ran out the room and srtaight for where I saw them the door I had to go through was a sliding door window it looks like a door made of glass I guess not sure how to explain it but I crashed into it and got cut up pretty badly and had glass all over me pinned in the door from broken glass and wailling out cries pretty sure they saw me there and got traumatized by it  I havent heard or seen from them since but finally moving schools I thought things would be different I guess things where different people wherent as nice as they where from the other school got my stuff stolen got beaten up even worse hell I think I can clssify some of the things they did as muggings   they threatened me for my stuff then beat me if I gave it to them or not and walked away with what they wanted things got pretty bad at school and at home I was no longer happy about anything really just kinda droned on everytime I got out of class to go to the next one or to lunch  I had to start running asthma came up around 11 so I got an inhaler school took it away and said Im not allowed to have it at school  I abided by what they said thankfully none of the asthma attacks got seviere so that was good but it made it harder to run away  but I found out a cheap substitution for an inhaler doesnt work well or 100% of the time but a straw, plastic bag, string and tape helped a little at times  if it worked of course  but  I got used to the asthma so I never talked about it   haven't had an inhaler for years now  but it got really bad during middle school had several times where I nearly died there hell being half consious and realizing your in the hospital  when you thought you where still at school was worrysome and the docs saying I was lucky wasn't too pleasant I was hollow i guess is what id call it  then for highschool I moved again  expecting things to be even worse then before but it wasn't instead of people coming up to me and beating me they stared at a distance because everyone knew eachother since kinder and I was just this new thing they never saw who acted strange looking over everything several times over always keeping to myself with a really sad look on my face but with a smile Hell I think a girl named samantha asked if the school was gonna get shot up   so they where scared of me which was fine it was pretty much an upgrade from before so it was good almost never got bullied thenthere was a few times butI was far faster then them and was able to over power them if needed to things at school was finally good no friends, no one picking on me, no one stealing from me, no onebothering me, it was great I could do what I wanted and not have to worry about needing to run for life  though I still felt empty didnt know why then but things where great just had to only worry about home issues so win win and well to help with trying to not get people to not bully me I gave myself a little name change and went by Leon which wasnt  too far off from my real name but from a greek name to a basic bitch name to be honest I just lopped off 2 letters to my name and changed one but no one knew who I was and well my real name is a very unique one  so I was fine with the new school though it was small but things where better  still didnt really have friends but I was away from a lot of my issues but still empty inside but I wonder how much have I changed over that time

The shadows of living things I wish not to deal with piss off I dont want to deal with your stupid arse I liked you better when you where stalking me from a far on Tods property with your glowing eyes please go back over there and dont come onto my property again I dont like how you where right in front of me 

I was reading a story on wattpad called furry smut and it was okay for there first time writing something like that but I decided to go into the comments and saw someone said WTH did I just read and it had a reply so I clicked on it and it said what you just clicked on dumbass
I died laughing then started balling when I noticed who sent it four hours without crying though thats a new record!

is it bad that I feel watched and turn around then see some guy squating in a bush near by so poorly hidden that he sticks out like a sore thumb he wasnt on property so I didnt approach him but that doesnt help much 

So today was great, a full day of being yelled at and slapped around and being hit, getting threatened to get kicked out and being threatened to get forced into the marines and to top it all off I almost bothered someone I wasnt supposed to so thats great and i got hit because of my brothers fuck ups so he just said it was me and let me take it all and typing on this stupid website is the closest thing i got right now to talking to someone things are getting worse  and I cant leave because im not allowed to bring anything with me so great, just fucking great and I'm not sure if I'm losing my sanity even further or theres just some cryptids deciding it's a good idea to stop by and say hi

I have made one friend which is good but we dont talk much and I dont trust them just yet  and the conversations we have are pretty basic too simple I guess I still feel so very lonely. There are things I miss and things I dont miss in life, I miss very few things. Something I dont miss is this feeling, honestly thought I would never have to worry about this feeling again, but once again life has other plans but I guess I shouldn't complain too much about having boring conversations with them because  whats all going on with me is pretty boring too even more so, so shouldn't whine about it just whish we talked a little more. Probably has a busy life so shouldn't bug them too much. At least theres been another good thing, no longer sleep deprived, about 14 hours of sleep every daynot sure if thats healthy or not but thats all I really want to do so thatss good. Schools been real slow and easy too follow and being one of the virtual learners I can have my cam off and sleep through it and still know what happened. I was told unior year was gonna be the hardest but in education wise it's been the easiest.

okay so I have been having a lot of trouble breathing lately my gues is it's some asthma flare up thats been going on for several days now it's been a lot harder to breath then normal and cuasing me to caugh at random it burns a little when I caugh and I've been feeling pretty sick recently pretty sure it's a cold 

Well finally got some time to "talk" I guess it's been rough since the last time I posted anything really and well thing hasn't gotten any better just worse to tell ya the truth I'm even sicker then I was before caughing wont go away, it burns like hell to caugh nausious as fuck not too sure if I'm seeing things or not but been seeing some weird shit thats hard to explain visions been blacking out at times and these white flashes keep on happening at random like I see a white flashing light in my face but no one else does so pretty sure it's in my head or a lot of people are fucking with me random pains keep popping up and I can't run 40 feet without feeling winded and well these little spots on my chin that I've been hiding for a long while now it's about the size of jelly beans have a spot like it on my hip was told it might be cancer only diff about the one on the hip and the ones on my chin is that the chin one is sensitive and hurts when flicked while the hip one cant feel shit with it i cant stop thinking about her to be honest i feel so lonely homes been rough which has kept me away from mostly every thing still a little sore  from what happened little while ago not fun and to top it all off I'm failing 10th grade english rn when I dont even take the class I'm taking 11th grade english  and already have all 6 periods for somthing else 10th english takes place during world history so hope the 10th english doesnt show on my report card, cant turn anything in because I missed the grading dead line