My Sexual Abuse Story

Trying to Forget

So it's January 2021 now and my parents still don't know. I've kept it in that small circle with just my 4 friends and I. I also found out that Jess has been suicidal since 6th grade. It was crazy to find out because she never seemed like the type of girl to be depressed and want to die. I sort of saw myself in that because I look like the happiest person on the exterior but on the inside, I feel like I want to just die and never look back. So we connected with that and if we weren't very close friends before then we are now.

I never ended up telling my parents after Christmas like I had promised my friends because I didn't want to ruin it he holidays for my family. The holidays are over now but I just can't seem to be able to just spit it out. My mom is noticing how I act around my uncle and I think she may be getting a bit suspicious. I don't know if that should be a good thing or a bad thing though. I don't think I will ever be able to tell them, if they find out on their own then that's great, if my uncle tells them himself that would be great for me, not so much for him but I don't care about what happens to him, he could die and I wouldn't shed a tear.

I don't know how much longer I will be able to hold on, I feel myself getting more and more depressed everyday. I sometimes even try to forget everything that happened and it works for a few days but then I think about it again and it all comes crashing back down that it's not a dream. All of it did happen and this is my life, my fucked up life that I will have to deal with until I get the courage to do something about it. My friends that know about it try to get my mind off of everything and get me talking all the time so that I distract myself from my life but it doesn't always work.

I started cutting a lot more often now, I hate it but I feel like it's the only way that I will be able to let out the anger that I feel. I really hate that this is my life and if I could change it for a better one I would. I'm trying my best though and that's all I can really do in this situation. Try my best and hope that this will all be over soon enough.