My Sexual Abuse Story

Update

So uh, idk if I've been better or worse. I have a best friend now. He's been here for me since around the time my mental health started going downhill. I never mentioned him in the "Spilling the beans" chapter, but he was the 4th friend I told. He was the last one to find out of the 4 of them. His name is uh let's name him uh Alex, he was the more calm person, he understood what happened and was just there for me throughout the months. Whenever I had shit on my mind, he was always there and he still is. He also has his problems of his own though and I sometimes feel bad because I can't comfort him the same way he does to me because I don't know how. It frustrates me sometimes because I don't like seeing him sad.

Anyway, today has been a pretty bad day to be honest. I was eavesdropping on my mom while she was on the phone with some agency person. She was telling them everything she knows about my case. She was telling them how much it hurt her to know that all this happened right under her nose. She said she felt bad for me for not being able to be there to protect me from that monster. I feel bad for her for making her go through this, all I have to do is talk to my therapist about it and it can all be over but I mentally can't get the words. I mean, I could just show her this wattpad story, but I'm pretty sure they want me to speak it with my voice. I can't tho. I feel like I'm going to suffocate every time I think about it.

Alex tells me that they can't force me into telling them anything but I feel like they're going to guilt trip me into speaking. My mom told me that if I speak, the agency that wants to help us could help us get so many benefits like a new house. I would get my own room, there would be more space and no more traumatic memories in the air. They could also pay for our rent, I know that's a big problem for us because my parents don't work much, so we need all the help we can get to be able to pay our rent. They could even get my uncle to pay some child support thing when and if he gets out of jail. They would have enough evidence to put him in jail. There's so many things that would benefit my family and I from talking abt it with my therapist but I just can't.

On top of all that, I feel like I'm standing alone in this. I'm lonely most of the time. I have so many people with me but it feels like no one understands me, they'll never understand what's going through my brain, they'll never understand how I feel. I feel like all my friends isolate me. At school, I feel like I can't relate well to any of the things my friends say. At church, I feel like the other girls my age look down on me like I'm a pile of trash. They all go to rich kid schools and then there's me who goes to the worst public school in my area. They all isolate me from their conversations, and my mom wonders why I don't like going to church. My online friends are probably the only ones who don't isolate me that much, as I'm writing this, they didn't even realize I was gone. They never do. I feel like if I died, they wouldn't even notice, I told my other online best friend about this, let's call her Maya, she told me that I'm very important to her and that she always notices when I leave. She notices everything, I've learned that. She told me that if I died, that she would miss me a lot and that she would never forget me. I asked Alex if he would miss me is I died and he said that he wouldn't just miss me, that he would probably cry over it and become depressed bc of it. Apparently I'm his closest friend and he said that he would never change meeting me and that he would probably be bored as hell if I wasn't here.
All this doesn't change the fact that I can't relate well to anyone, they all have such fun and interesting lives, they all have really good senses of humor. While I'm here being boring and when I try to joke around I end up hurting people. I mentioned a girl names Isla in one of the chapters. She was my online best friend during that time, I trusted her with everything, and I was joking around one day and apparently I took it too far and I lost her because of it. I mean, I probably deserved what I got. She cursed at me and left. I haven't talked to Oliver in months, I'm probably gonna check up on him soon. The only people that I'm close with from a few months ago are, Alex and Jess. I actually saw Jess last Sunday, I met her dog Zeke, it was fun. I've been doing better in school too. I act like I'm perfectly fine but on the inside I'm breaking more and more everyday.

I wrote Alex a whole paragraph abt everything that's been going through my mind today bc he noticed that I was more quiet and kept to myself today. He went to sleep worried, and I felt bad, so I just went ahead and put all my thoughts into a text message. It is was a long ass paragraph but at least it got everything off my mind. Now he'll either hate me or feel bad for me in the morning. If he leaves me then I most likely deserve it, he's the first boy I've ever liked in a romantic way. (Yes, I may have a smol crush on him). Idek if I like him like that anymore tbh, the feelings aren't mutual so they started to fade away. Anyway, I think I love him. Not romantically, just love him, like how my mom loves me, except he's not my child. Idfk. I don't even know what love feels like so I haven't told him I love him yet. He told me he loves me but I didn't say it back and I feel bad bc I feel like he expected me to. ANYWAY.

Yeah, that's an update. For anyone whose been wondering even tho I doubt it, lol.