i'll save you

13. a house is not a home

sunday, october 2
3:57 am

miles.

"Stop!" I scream, waking myself up from a nightmare. The nightmare.

"Baby?" Jordyn says, running into my bedroom.

My mom and sister have been staying in an apartment since they can't live with my father. I don't know how Jordyn ended up staying the night, but I'm not complaining. She's the only person I want to see right now anyway.

"Are you okay? What's wrong, my love?" she questions, pulling me to the edge of the bed.

"I'm fine. I'm good, really."

"You're not good. Quit lying."

She walks off to my bathroom and in my head I'm thinking I just fucked up. She hates when I say I'm fine, knowing I'm not. Even though she does the same thing.

I calm down when I see her walking in with a damp face towel. She straddles me and starts to gently pat the sweat away from my face with the cold towel.

"Where were you? Why weren't you in bed with me?"

"I couldn't sleep and I'm thirsty. I went to get some water from downstairs, but I heard you when I was coming back up.."

"Why didn't you wake me up? If you couldn't sleep," I ask, staring down.

"Cause you needed sleep, baby. And I was coming right back."

"Oh."

"Look at me, my love," she says, pulling my chin up with her finger. "Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

"I'm fine. Just come here," I say as I lean in for a kiss, but she dodges it.

"No. Talk to me, Miles. Now."

"I just keep having these nightmares. I watch my dad just hittin' on my mom, but I can't do anything. I feel like paralyzed. Like I can't move."

"Miles, I—"

"Baby, I just..." I interrupt, not wanting to talk about it anymore. "Can I just hold you?"

"Drink this," she sighs, handing me the cup of water. "And no. I want to hold you."

She crawls into bed and opens her arms for me. I lay on top of her, my head resting in her neck. This is the only place that makes sense, being with her makes sense.

"Baby?"

"Yea, baby girl?"

"What can I do? What can I do to make you feel better? I want to help."

"You're doing more than enough by just being here. I missed you so much."

"Well... if you think of anything, just tell me okay. I'll do anything in the world to make sure you're okay."

"I love you, JJ."

"I love you, more."

~~

jordyn.

"Come on, Terrence. She's in no condition to be in New York by herself. She needs to be here at home."

"Look, I miss her more than anyone, but we can't keep holding her hostage in this house. She needs to leave and try and get through it on her own. It's not like we're never gonna be with her again, Naomi."

"Why can't you ever just agree with me?" my mom sighs.

I listen to them from upstairs, wondering why I ever told them I was coming home. My mom has been talking about making me come back home because of my alcoholism. What she doesn't understand is that coming back to this hell hole will only make it worse.

"Hey..." I say, making my presence known. "I'm about to go."

"Where are you going?" my mom scowls.

"To hang out with Miles."

"I don't like you sleeping over that boy's house."

"Mom, he has no one right now. I need to be there for him."

"You need to be at home."

"Bye, daddy," I say, starting to walk out to avoid a fight.

"Jami! I wasn't done talking to you!"

"Look, I don't have a lot of time here. All I want to do is spend time with someone who makes me happy. Not sit in this house and listen to y'all fight like I've done for the past 18 years. I'm over it."

With that, I leave, walking to my car. I know that that may have been disrespectful, and I'm probably gonna get my ass kicked in. But at this point, I don't care. I'm over it. Miles is the only person who makes me genuinely happy.

"JORDYN!" my mom booms, storming out of the front door. "I don't know who you think you are, but you are not going to disrespect me in my own house."

I continue to get into my car, not acknowledging her. Before I can close the door, she yanks the door handle away from me. See... if she ends up breaking the damn handle, she's going to look at me like I'm stupid. 

"Naomi," my dad says, walking out behind her. "Just let her go, please."

I know my dad isn't too happy about me spending the night over Miles' house; but, he also knows that I can't stay here. He'd rather me be there and safe than here and drunk. My whole life dad has been trying to keep the peace around the house. Of course, to no avail. 

"She's not going anywhere in the car that I pay for!"

I quickly text Miles, asking him to come pick me up. The last thing I feel like doing is fighting over a damn car. I don't care if I have to walk the 30 minutes to Miles' house. As soon as he texts me back, some random guy pulls up, dropping Zion off. 

"Hey y-. Ma, what's wrong?" he says, giving me the death stare. 

"Perfect timing, Z. Your favorite little boy is home. I'm gone," I say to mom, walking away toward God knows where. 

"Hey, Jordyn. Come on," Zion says, running in front of me. "Can we all just go back in the house? We spent all of our lives fighting. Can you just try and listen to mom?"

"Since when the fuck are you on her side?"

"I'm just saying. I wouldn't be too happy about my daughter being an alcoholic and in New York. She just wants the best for you."

"First of all, fuck you. Second of all, if she wanted the best for me, she would actually listen instead of throwing a fit every time something doesn't go her fucking way."

"She's still our family, Jami."

"I don't care. At this point, fuck family. Dad is the only one who actually gives a fuck. Mom just wants to live her life through me. I'm not allowed to do anything for myself. You went to college and became a dick, leaving your best friend in the dirt for 15 minutes of fame. Fuck off."

I push past him walking toward the park that connects our neighborhood to another. I knew I shouldn't have come back to this house. I should've just stayed at Miles' place and told my parents I wasn't coming home at all. Part of me feels like all of this is my fault. The other part could not give less of a fuck. I have so much built up anger when it comes to my mom. It really is best if I just stay away for a while. 

"Baby?!" I hear behind me. 

I turn around and see Miles, immediately running to him. Right now, he's the only thing I want to worry about him. I know my head is fucked up, but his is too. I need him to be better. When he's better, I'm better. I'm willing to do whatever I need to help him. 

∞

long time so see mfs. i hate school. that's all i'm going to say. so instead of doing school work, i'm just going to write more cause fuck it. i like y'all more than those people at school anyway lol. anyway, i missed you all. let me know how you feel about dis chapta. 

yours truly, clarissa.