i'll save you

8. that night

hi. this chapter might be hard for some. this chapter does shed light on suicide and sexual abuse. if you are uncomfortable, just skip it. i love you guys. and i promise you're never alone.

∞

friday, august 28
4:08 pm

jordyn.

"So, how was your first week of classes, Jordyn?" my new therapist, Dr. Coleman, asks.

"It was cool, I guess."

"Are you comfortable in your classes?"

"Yea, they seem pretty chill," I say shortly, not ready to completely open up to a new person.

"Look, I know it's hard to have to relive everything over again with a new person. But I just want you to know that I already know your story. Now, we just have to figure out a way to get through it. How've you been when it comes to alcohol?"

"I was fine for a couple days. Then, I went to a party and fucked it all up," I sigh, internally punching myself.

"Well, that's normal, ya know. It's okay to mess up. Especially, when you're surrounded by it. We just have to figure out how to help you say no to the alcohol. Cause it'll be around you your entire life. Have you thought of going to an AA meeting? They're completely anonymous and you'd receive specialized advice."

"Isn't that what you're supposed to help me with?"

"Well, my main goal is to help you with the deeper problem. The reason you drink. The sexual abuse you faced a year ago. As we work through that, then the urge to drink should decrease, but I still think it would be helpful to just try an AA meeting. They could help you with the actual alcohol itself. Plus, it helps to be in a group. It helps people with the feeling of loneliness."

"I don't know. I'd have to think about," I sigh.

"That's all I want. So, you wanna tell me why you drink?"

"I don't know. I guess it kinda shuts my brain off. When I'm not drunk, I'm constantly thinking about that night. I can't stop seeing him on top of me. When I drink, it goes away, and I just forget about everything."

"Until you sober up and all the memories come crashing down like a ton of bricks," she says, making me nod. "Can you tell me what piece of that night you can't get out of your head?"

"His words."

"What kind of things did he say?"

"He would tell me that no one was ever coming to help me. And that I would never be able to get rid of him. And that I was only his. And that no matter how hard I tried, I'd never be able to forget about him. And no one would ever care about me," I say, not noticing that I was crying until she hands me the box of tissues.

"Why do you think his words were the worst part for you? Why not the physical part?"

"I don't know. I guess cause the physical part didn't last long. Once I started to... ya know.. be with Miles, I got that part of me back. But he still has so much control over my thoughts. Every thing he said is so true."

"Is it true that no one cares about you?"

"No one gets it. No one understands."

"Well, understanding and caring are two very different things," she smiles softly. "For example, Miles. There's no way he could ever understand exactly how you feel. He's never been raped before. He wasn't there that night. Neither was your brother, or your mom, or your dad, or me. So none of us will ever be able to truly truly understand what happened. But that doesn't mean we don't care."

"I just wish it never happened, ya know. I wish I could go back and make it all go away."

"I get that. Trust me."

"What happened to you?" I ask curiously.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sure you became a therapist for a reason. What's your story?"

"It's a traumatic one. You sure?"

"I'm sure I can take it," I smirk.

"I watched my father abuse my mother all the way until I graduated from high school. One day, I came home from a pre-college, post high school, summer vacation with my friends to find both of my parents dead. My father killed my mom, then killed himself," she sighs, staring at a picture of her and her family.

"How can you even look at your dad? I mean you have all of these pictures of him and your mom. How are you not completely disgusted at the thought of him?" I ask genuinely curious.

"When my dad was growing up, his father molested him. His father would also force him to play Russian roulette. His childhood was so traumatic and horrifying, it was only a matter of time before his adult life fell apart. My mother knew that. And she still loved him, and she raised me to understand why he did was he did."

"You're a better person than me. I could never forgive someone like that."

"I didn't forgive him at first. It took a decade for me to even be able to mention his name. But I promise it gets better as long as you talk about it. The longer you hold everything inside, the harder it'll be to process later," she says with a comforting smile.

"I gave up," I admit for the first time ever.

"I'm sorry?"

"I gave up. I stopped trying to fight him after he... put it in. I could've fought him, but I just froze. Why did I freeze? I shouldn't have froze. Maybe none of this would've happened if I would've kept fighting."

"You can't keep telling yourself what you shouldn't and should've done, Jordyn. All that does it put guilt on yourself. And what happened to you was NOT your fault. You've heard of flight or fight?"

"Yea."

"Well, there's another part in there that no one talks about: freeze. Our brains take over and freeze our body. It does that in order to protect you. Freezing isn't something to be ashamed of."

"I was so scared."

"I know."

"I tried to... um... after. I tried to..."

"Attempt suicide?"

"Yea, why do people say it like the other way? 'Commit suicide.' They say it like it's a crime. Like it was a choice someone made and should be punished for it. No one chooses to end their own life. They feel like it's necessary. They feel like they have to do it."

"There are a lot of people out there who have never suffered from mental illness, but they think they know what they're talking about."

"Yea."

"How did you attempt?"

"I found one of my dad's guns, he's a cop, so, he has plenty of those. But I couldn't do it."

"What stopped you?"

"My family. I didn't want them to blame themselves for what happened. I didn't want them to think that I killed myself because they did something wrong. And I knew that they would take the blame. No one deserves that amount of guilt. They couldn't do anything."

"Wanna know something?"

"Yea?"

"Neither could you, Jordyn."

∞

aye, this is loosely based on my experiences in life (w/out the sexual abuse) so be nice :(.

anyway, i love you guys sooooo much. i wanted to give you guys a really in depth view into jordyn's perspective on the entire situation. again, i love you guys sm!

leave lots of comments ;)

yours truly, clarissa.