ONE SHOTS

STUDENT PARANOIA

ASPHYXIATE ME PLEASE
12.31.2020

WARNING: Contains suicidal thoughts and gestures. Read at your own risk. Be responsible.

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Whenever I glance at her seating on the most back part of the classroom, I can't help but feel pity about her. She's smart, she's kind and most importantly, she's helpful to everyone. But whenever I stare right into her eyes, I could see how empty she is. Because I know behind those forced smiles are the unstoppable overflowing tears at night. Behind those kind gestures, are yielding screams of help and behind her encouraging personality is just a step towards the hanging rope in the ceiling. She looks like she fits very well with everyone but I know that everyone finds her as a tool for their own success. She's different to everybody. She doesn't fit.

One time I saw her, at the rooftop of our building. She's just sitting there, staring out of nowhere. Her hand seemed to grab something mid air, her mouth opening without a sound but I know she was saying something. I was about to leave when she said something that it was meant for me. Of course it is for me, after all... It's just the two of us here.

"Hey, am I not enough?" I looked back at her. Her eyes tired still staring out of nowhere.

"Should I be smarter? Should I be kinder?"

I didn't reply until she heaved a sigh and stood up. Her head hanging low as she clenched her hand into a fist. I walked towards her and I could hear her silent sobs.

Are you tired of everything? I wanted to ask but I know I shouldn't.

"Can I still do this one more time?" I nodded at her. She gave a small smile. So small that you could really see how tired she is. Just by looking at her, I know that any second from now, she's going to give up.

She doesn't have any friends. She's always alone. Because everytime she wanted to have one, she was always pushed away. Neglected, betrayed, left alone. She only have herself and I know that even herself is on the verge of giving up.

She raised her hands towards me. Higher, up to my neck---there she rested it. Slowly tightening its grip.

"The next time I fail again... I'll do this."

The next time I saw her, she was bleeding. I observed her once again, slowly getting corrupted by her pure kindness. She was bruised, cut and wounded. I'm not saying this to describe how she feels but she is literally physically hurt. Bullies never get tired of bullying because it's fun in their own way. I met her once again in the rooftop. It felt like a deja vu--except that she is bleeding. She raised her hand to gasp something mid air. She opened her mouth but no words came out. I wondered if there's a lot of things going through inside that noisy head of hers more than what I perceived. And just as usual, I was just standing far from her. You may think I am a coward for not comforting her, but I know I shouldn't do that.

"No problem." that's what she had always said. But by thinking, does she even know what that means? The moment she uttered those words, it seemed that it only comes out from her mouth. Is there really no problem?

Are you okay now? I wanted to ask her that, but I know that I shouldn't.

"Not yet... even though it seemed impossible... I'll try to fit. Just so you see. I'll stop breathing if I can't."

The last time I saw her, was the upcoming end of our senior year. And this time, she was even worse. Her wounds are now more visible, blood trying to gush out despite the bandages that stops them. At first glance, she seemed lifeless. Unmoving, more likely a sitting corpse. I stood in front of her but I didn't said anything. I just looked at her, the same look I've always gave her when I've always gaze at her from a far. Even though she sat there motionless, I could hear her sobs. It was quite louder the last time I saw her crying.

Or maybe because I was standing way closer to her now.

"You've always stood far away from me you know... Why won't you speak to me? Why... Why do you only stand... from afar?"

I still stood in silent. Watching her as tears started to race from her eyes down to her face, her sobs getting louder. She didn't even bother to wipe her tears. I knew it she must be too tired to do that. She still sat there motionless. More likely a crying corpse.

"They say... I was born a mistake. That's what everybody says... Everytime I do something... it always come out as a mistake. I... I don't know... I never made a correct one."

That's because you don't fit here. You don't belong here. This is the kind of society that no matter how much you wanted to fit in, you will never be. They won't allow you.

"I've... always dreamt of having friends."

You're dreaming the most impossible dream.

"I don't want to be alone."

You'll always be alone unless you fit here.

"I want to fit in."

That's impossible.

She heaved a sigh. Her head resting on the wall. For the first time, I saw a clear image of her face. She gave me a light smile. The same smile whenever she would say "no problem". The same smile as she toys her words towards everyone.

"Their voices of encouragement... They... They made me happy... happy in a way."

"So... I'll be better."

I scrunched my face in annoyance. You must be mixing the overlapping voices that they sound encouraging to you. I clenched my fist. There she go again, encouraging herself then...

"I'll try to fit... Just... Just one more time."

"I hope this time... It's righ--"

"Stop." Her eyes widened at me. Maybe this once, I could say... I had enough of her. Maybe this is the right time... To speak up what I've been thinking.

"Are you okay now? You must be tired of everything. Do you want something?" I asked her for the first time. Tears started to dwell in her eyes again and is now rolling down to her cheeks without her knowing. I know she is shocked, but later, she started to open her mouth as if she was saying something. I crouched down to her level and gave her a hug. I'm not hugging her because I wanted to comfort her, but to hear what she was about to say.

"A... As..."

"Hmm?"

"As... Asphyxiate me... please."