ONE SHOTS

JEALOUSY 2

WHEN I'M JEALOUS, I SAY
(Sequel to 'WHEN SHE GETS JEALOUS, SHE SAYS')
09-09-2020

Jealousy comes in many forms. By rage, pain, grief--name it, it is just the same situation on which you feel that something was taken or about to be taken from you. No matter how calm and well collected being we are, we tend to feel JEALOUS.

Being jealous is both a good and a bad thing. What kind of relationship is that if one of you don't feel jealous towards each other? Oh... A perfect relationship? Nah, that is just one of those shitty relationship that lasts from three to four years. Reason?

"I don't think our relationship still works."

Or

"I don't think you love me anymore. I don't feel your love anymore."

Bullshit right? And even if you tend to get jealous all the way out of your relationship, this will lead to arguments, on and off relationship, ending up with the shitty relationship you have that don't last forever. How is jealousy even a good thing? How is it a bad thing? I don't think they matter, because like they say...

"If you love the person so much and you don't feel the love anymore, go back to the times you used to feel those fluttery feelings." Same tactic right? For others they work, but for somebody else they don't. Because not everything works on the same way.

How is jealousy a good thing? They make your relationship unique and has its own color. If I am to compare it to a human being--it has its own personality. And so, if I am jealous, I usually say...

"Go ahead." Cause why not? I wanted to intimidate you or maybe I just sound so conceited that it works that way. Flashing you the sincerest smile I got... Or maybe the I'm just too good at putting up a front that I seem to convert jealousy into utter happiness. Who knows what I am thinking by the way? Girls are just so complicated and hard to understand, even I don't understand myself sometimes. Maybe--I thought--this jealousy is a trial? Who knows? Do you?

When I get jealous, I feel the insecurity that starts to churn inside me. I DO, we DO. Why not? Are you happy that something was taken from you without a single effort? UNFORGIVABLE right? But to initiate an argument to your other half only increases the distance--and if a thread was there-- it may snap. You don't want to lose something you worked hard on, do you?

"I'm sorry. This won't happen again." I was relieved. The rage inside me started to burn out as I flashed again that one of my brightest smile that will make you blind. If you are to be blinded by my smiles, I am blinded by your apologies and sugar-coated lies...or maybe not. Maybe I was just fed up with jealousy that I thought of it that way. Maybe it is...really.

"Don't mind! Think of it as a trial to our relationship." I told you like I mean it. Well part of me DO mean it, but the voice inside me don't. I know that I overthink, well, who doesn't? You're being transparent...I saw through you. You're basically relieved because I'd forgiven you, and probably safe for now. I know you'll do it again, well because why not? I let you be. Was is it my mistake? Or because people are just greedy? Ah, how wonderful. How wonderful what love made you become.

How is jealousy a bad thing? It is when you only think about LOVE. Love, love, love. You lose who you are because of love...or maybe you are just consumed by its presence. The euphoria that it gives you, having someone you like with you sends a different ecstasy. Is it really love's fault? Of course it is... Of course it isn't. Of course it is your fault...my fault. We blame it to LOVE because we are that greedy. Poor love, its will was only to make people kind but interpreted in a different way. Oh... just a thought, maybe it was really love's fault. Who knows?

The next time you did the same mistake again, a realization hit me hard. Oh that sudden white light that pierced and cut through my brain, it made my bottled feelings overflow. A sudden thread was snapped and it felt horrible. I knew I did my part, I knew you did yours too. Jealousy took over me, and I'm glad it did. Jealousy is a good thing as well in the first place. I gave you a smile--a sincere one, an apologetic one--that smile which reflected everything I went through. The moment I answered your apology, your face was filled with horror and it felt so good... So good that I felt I was alive again. Because for every moment I accepted apologies, the thread of suffocation only tightens and tightens until it snapped. Everything has an end though. Things always come to an end and when they do, it breaks us. Especially when we shed our blood, sweat and tears on such thing. There is things that when we say it's enough, it's ENOUGH.

I patronized you or maybe I didn't. The avoidance that you gave to me... I followed them and secretly did not. Oh I know, humans are just curious and when you tell them not to, they DO it. Or maybe not. Maybe it's the other way around. Maybe I was just too suffocating to you and you didn't realize. Maybe you thought I was just too understanding but no you're mistaken, I said those words because I wanted you to stop those things. But who I am to say that? A hypocrite? Yes I am, and it works both ways.

And when I'm jealous, I say...

"Enough." Of course it should be. Why don't you say it too?