Thoughts of a stranger.

Looking for you

I clearly did not get any sleep that night. Whenever I closed my eyes my mind was invaded with negative thoughts, like what if he crashed his car and is now dead? What if he tried harming himself?

He has not called which is way worse, I think he turned off his phone, which he never does. I felt like I had to do something, I kept overthinking and I know that if I just stayed there waiting for him it was gonna be way worse, so I decided to get ready and go look for him in the streets.

I put on some sweatpants and a hoodie, I ran downstairs and took my car keys.

- Mom, I'm gonna go search for Derek!- I screamed

There was no answer

-Mom did you hear me?

There was still no answer. I ran upstairs and entered my mom's room; she was on the floor crying.

- Mom what's wrong?

- Derek hasn't called

- I know, I'm gonna look for him mom.

- I messed up, didn't I?

- Mom, it's okay, don't blame yourself, I'm pretty sure he's alright.

- But what if he's not? What kind of mom am I? Why did I let him get out?

-It's gonna be alright mom, we'll be alright.

- Please keep me posted, I don't wanna lose you too.

- Mom, you haven't lost anyone.

- I can't lose him, Liv.

- You won't, mom.

I hugged her and she cried louder, it broke my heart to think that she feels it was her fault, I mean it kinda was, but she has issues, and she can't control the way her brain works, so I guess it makes it justifiable.

-I'm gonna go now okay?- I said, she nodded.

-We're going to be alright, mom.

I kissed her head and got up from the floor, she wiped her tears and laid in her bed.

-I love you, Olivia.-She said, and I smiled.

- I love you too, mom.

I walked out of her room, went downstairs and got to my car. I took a deep breath and saw the picture I had on the board. It was the last picture we took together before dad died, I stared at it for a couple seconds and took a deep breath.

-Please be safe, Derek.

I started driving, but there was a problem, I didn't know where to go. I went to the nearest gas station to check my phone. I started thinking and finding Derek was going to be harder than I thought because he barely told me stuff. I don't really know what he does when he goes out, or who he hangs out with, I have no idea what goes on in his life therefore I have no idea where he might be. I started panicking, this is my fault too, if I at least had a good relationship with him, maybe he would trust me enough to let me know what goes on in his life and probably this could have been avoided. I was very scared, and I had no idea what to do, I felt warm tears roll down my cheeks as a feeling of anger invaded my body, I hit the steering wheel with my hands as more tears rolled down my cheeks.

-Why can't I be enough?- I shouted

I sat there, staring at the picture on my board as I cried silently, I knew that getting mad was not going to make things any better, but it was very hard not to. I started taking deep breaths as I tried to shut down my emotions, I've gone through worse and I made it out so I can't let my emotions take away my composure. I started thinking about what I could do, and I got an idea.