Thoughts of a stranger.

Where it all started

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live"

-Norman Cousins

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When I was 15, I was at a supermarket with my parents and my brother Derek. My mom was wearing this extremely attractive watch and there were some guys who tried robbing her. Little did they know, the stupid watch was fake.

My mom tried to defend herself from getting robbed, dad was trying to hit these guys to help my mom, unfortunately they had guns and I guess you can know what happened after this. I don't remember much, except that one minute I was asking my brother Derek which glasses looked better on me, and in the next minute I heard two gunshots, screams and there was blood everywhere.

I pushed my brother to the floor trying to protect him from being shot, I hugged him as tight as I could and I could hear him struggling to scream, but I put my hand in his mouth so that the guys couldn't hear us. I remember telling him that everything was going to be okay but he needed to stay silent. Then I just remember everything going black, I may have passed out from fear, I don't really know.

It's funny how memory works, isn't it? Being able to not remember quite well the story but having just some horrible details that I might never be able to forget. You know, having to remember all the bad emotions, the fear and the screaming that has haunted me ever since that happened, and hasn't stopped yet.

I woke up at a hospital bed, I remember being numb. I had no idea what was happening, nor where I was. I felt dizzy once I could remember what just had happened. I felt my blood turn cold, my muscles tightening , I felt cold drops of sweat start running through my forehead, my chest ached and my breathing became unstable.

- Hey, you're awake- I heard a nurse say

Her voice had like a switch effect on me; she talked, and the feelings suddenly turned off.

- Where's my brother? - I asked

- He's on the cafeteria, you passed out on the scene- She smiled

- How about my parents? Are they okay?

Her smile faded

- They're on surgery sweetie, we'll have an update later

- I need my brother.

-Come on, I'll take you to him.

Once I stood up I felt very dizzy, the world was literally spinning and everything felt so unreal, like those moments when you are at a party with loud music but everything just feels like a dream? That's how I was feeling, just that instead of a good dream, this was a freaking nightmare.

After I regained my balance, the nurse took me to the cafeteria. I started feeling scared again once I saw this paramedic on top of a guy who apparently was in cardiac arrest, he was doing chest compressions aggressively and there was a woman behind him who was crying and screaming uncontrollably.

What if my parents die? - I thought. I can't finish raising Derek on my own, he needs my parents and I do too. I'm not ready to lose them, I'm just 15.

Although the cafeteria was two floors upstairs, the road seemed not to end, at least it was long enough for me to have started panicking again. Luckily for me, the elevator doors opened before the feeling got too intense.

-Liv!- Derek said and runned to me

I hugged him as if we had ever hugged and it felt like I could finally breathe.

-Are you okay?- I asked

He just innocently nodded his head. I turned up my head and I saw my grandmother Amelia sitting down with another woman, who I suspect is a social worker. I didn't want to worry but my instinct kept telling me there was something bad going on, if not, why was a social worker sitting there? What was she telling my grandma? Was she telling her that we had to be prepared because it's highly unlikely that my parents survive?

I greeted her and sat down next to her, the social worker didn't really say anything, she just said that she will be staying with us while my parents were in surgery. They started talking but I really didn't pay attention, I was too occupied trying to find a way on how to prepare myself for what was possibly going to happen, but mostly, I was worried about Derek. He's just 12, he deserves to live as happiest as possible, he deserves to go to parks and concerts, play with his friends, learn and have nerf fights with dad, but if my parents die, how can I replace them?

Yes, maybe I'll end up living with my grandma but she's going to die someday, plus she might never be able to replace what my parents mean to him, nor to me.

-Liv, are mom and dad okay?- Derek asked me

- I don't know, little one. We'll know soon.

- I don't want them to die- His eyes filled with tears

- Hey, don't cry, remember what dad used to tell you? That you needed to be strong to take care of me, mom and grandma?

He nodded

- This is one of those times where you need to take care of us, plus let's not worry unless we need to okay?

- Okay

- Good, then show me what you are playing.

His tears dried up and he started explaining to me his games, he looked so happy again, I wish it was that way for me too, but every time he smiled more, I worried even more too because if they die, how am I going to make him smile that way?

Time passed and finally a surgeon came in

- Family of Ben Johnson?

I quickly stood up for the surgeon to notice me, she had a neutral look on her face that it was impossible to tell what was going on. She went to our table and sat down next to me.

- Hello, I'm doctor Rossi, I'm Mr. Johnson's neurosurgeon, but I also have an update on Mrs. Johnson.- She extended her hand to my grandmother.

- Hello Doctor Rossi, I'm Sarah Johnson, this is my granddaughter Olivia and my grandson Derek.

Doctor Rossi extended her hand to greet me and fist-bumped Derek.

- Okay so good news first, Mrs. Johnson is out of surgery, she had a GSW to her leg and we found out a tear in her femoral artery but we could do an arterial revascularization so she is in recovery right now.

- Oh, that's great news! How about my son?- Grandma asked

Suddenly Doctor Rossi's face changed completely

- Mr. Johnson sustained a gunshot wound to the head, when he first entered there was no ocular, verbal nor motor response, and he was aggressively being resuscitated since he came in. We did an Electroencephalography and it showed a complete absence of cerebral activity. The MRI scans showed that the bullet hit his brainstem, there was really nothing to be done. I am so, so sorry.

-What are you talking about?- I asked instinctively

- Your dad is brain dead, Olivia.