𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐨𝐧, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫 ||𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐚||

1. sunshine

someone who constantly gives love to others often lacks love for oneself.

hinata could spend days showering his peers with love and attention, he could spend years projecting his love onto his sister - but once the door to his room closes, a sudden darkness shrouds him and a smile drops from his face. like the sun that sends beyond the horizon, his warmth disappears, and what's left is a shell, the remnants of a person who lacks love, who needs love, who craves a loving touch unlike anything else in their entire life.

hinata was someone who constantly needed reassurance and attention, though he would never outright tell it to anybody. he strived to do his best and shower every single person in his life with love. an enemy on the court remains an enemy on the court, once they step out of the stadium hinata is there to tell them compliments and love them - with hopes of his love being returned. 

and it usually would. he made many friends this way, people basked in his sun-like love like some reptilians. in return, they would show him attention, tell him how great he is, practise with him, and so forth. hinata loved the arrangements of platonic love that he had with some people. kenma, for example, loved being in hinata's presence, it took the two so little time to consider each other best friends - kenma would be there for him, tell him how cool he is, and practice with him, while hinata would just shine in kenma's life. and like a cat on a sunny day, kenma would relax and cuddle up closer to him for extra warmth.

or lev, he was just the same, for him being next to hinata was such a normal thing, he could not imagine himself not hanging out with the shorter male - it was like an addiction. all his friends, everyone close to him were like flowers and the moment hinata would come into the room it was like the sun finally rose up and the flowers turned their blossoms to him.

hinata loved the attention his personality would bring him, he would feed on all the words spoken to him, and for the time being it was enough. back when his heart was full from having platonic relationships with his friends, he would come home even brighter than when he had left, his heart would beat all night long as he recharged his energy, and the moment the dawn would break, he would be outshining every single person.

however

there are limits to one's heart and soul. the battery runs out of energy after a while. the star eventually implodes and dies out in an explosion. the heart stops beating. 

and as time went on, as hinata climbed well into his teenage years, platonic affection just wasn't enough. while it was enough to fuel him through the day, the moment he left the presence of people around him, he would be nothing but a body - no energy, no warmth, no nothing, just emptiness and dark thought floating around his head. 

he began craving something else. something he had yet to grasp. romantic love.

it was... scary. hinata was scared of it - even if he needed it. all this time he was used to loving others, but not in a way that would make him completely vulnerable, they had yet to see his true self, to explore the depths of his mind - and loving someone romantically meant that that person would have all access to the hidden information, the core of the sun.

loving someone romantically means exposing your most private parts to them, not physical but emotional. would anybody truly love him if they knew he sought constant attention? would they like him if they knew he needed soft words spoken to him every given hour? he was... a lot to handle and he knew that.

so he refrained. he refrained from loving someone. but that comes with its own consequences - the lack of exploration into his inside world brought confusion every time he felt even mildly attracted to anyone - who does he truly like? refusing to fall in love made his core heat up to levels unimaginable, before he knew it his small star, the small sun was expanding at an alarming rate, turning into a giant at the verge of collapsing.

that was until he... he fell in love.

his heart had been caged enough. it couldn't hold it anymore. and there came a person whose touch made hinata shiver, whose voice would calm him down, whose presence would cool down his core. suddenly the dark and empty space within him was filled with memories of him, all his doubts about who he is started withering away, and he realized - being in love makes him feel warm again. 

kageyama tobio.

hinata could talk about him for hours. starting from his fluffy dark hair which bounced every time he took a step, ending with his cute feet and how he wore patterned socks, his favorite being those with tiny volleyballs printed on them. everything about him made hinata's sun, his very core function properly again. every time he looked at him, he had a gleam in his eyes because in his eyes - kageyama was the only one who sparkled like a fellow star.

at first... he hid it. he hid it because he simply didn't know what to do with all the newfound feelings he had, how to handle them, how to sort them - he needed time to get used to it. and as time went on he found himself closer and closer to kageyama. practicing and playing together, grew to hanging out during breaks and having lunch together, and that transformed into going out to town after school and going to each other's places. 

hinata's sparkle got brighter every time he was close to kageyama and others quickly took notice. at first, it was his own club members, the then-former captain daichi and former vice-captain sugawara were the first to point it out to hinata.

"the whole room lights up when you see kageyama, you really like him, huh?" is what they told him. hinata blushed at the sudden outing, but only nodded in agreement. they wished him the best there is and for them to get together soon - hinata, deep inside, wished the same...

he would have been fine with a calm and secretive love, one that would only encompass the two parties involved, one that would be more passive and calm - one that wouldn't disturbe his core. but as time went on he got desparate, he began to need something open and true. something that would set his world ablaze.

romantic love is something that often brings peace, not everyone needs it, but those who do feed on it for a lifetime.

unrequited romantic love is something that feeds on you. it devours you. you want to scream out of agony, you want to scream at everyone, you want to stop the thoughts and memories of a person in question but they just won't stop. and it seems like no matter what you do, they just don't notice a sparkle in your eye, they don't notice the soft touch you give them, they don't notice your increased heartbeat.

and hinata began regretting falling in love.

it was so painful.

and yet so sweet.