𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐨𝐧, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫 ||𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐚||

2. moonlight

those who do not explore themselves and their inner world often get lost in the sea of confusion.

for the longest time, kageyama refused to take a deeper look into himself. he chose to stay on the surface, like the image of the moon on still water. he never wished, nor did he want to dive deeper. he believed that exploring too much will result in him having unreasonable demands and impossible preferences. so he stayed on the surface. he floated every so lightly, leaving a ripple here and there.

his associates deemed him cold. they, just like kageyama himself, only saw the very basics of who he was. ruthless, one would say, but what truly hid behind his mean demeanor was the need to be recognized. cold, like the bottom of the ocean, however under the layer of coldness hid the wish to be embraced warmly, a wish to escape his past experiences and warm up in somebody's presence.

however 

he was chained. chained in uncertainty. chained in fear. 

he was afraid of committing to something, anything, or even anyone. he never made promises, not even to his parents or his sister - because that would bring pressure, that would bring him to mind all the choices he makes, that would put an unnecessary amount of stress onto him - to commit to something means making an effort and he could not be bothered. the one time he agreed to commit to anything was playing volleyball - look at how that turned out for him. now he can't go a day without practising, he analyzes his own moves, he can't help but be mad at others for not meeting his demands...

and that brought him so much pain. from being shunned away from his own teammates, to getting into an argument with his most respected senior. and yet, he was committed to being the best. he couldn't stop even if he wanted to, he made too many promises, said too many statements regarding it.

so when he saw that bouncy boy on the other side of the stadium, he paid little attention... at first. perhaps it was determination or untapped skill that made kageyama speak actual words to him, but for some reason when he spoke to him on those stairs, he saw no hostility in his eyes - the beast from the court was now gone and he was greeted by a smile.

he wasn't used to that.

he refused to accept that people can be like that.

he didn't even know who he was - yet he made assumptions about others.

the more he thought about it, the bigger the ripple became in his still body of water... so he chose to forget. he chose to push everyone away. he chose to repress himself. he didn't know, but his inner world was crumbling away, chipping little by little. what could have been a full moon, a full bright mood with all of its imperfections in view became a mere speck, a thin line in his dark inner sky that only reflected on the water.

sometimes you are forced to take a deeper look into yourself, sometimes it's a fate you cannot escape - kageyama tried to avoid it in any way possible. so, by the time he found himself in his teenage prime, he barely knew anything not only about himself but about the world too. he couldn't understand how people fell in love. what even was love. was it something he could grasp? or do you have to buy it? he didn't know. he was more lost than anyone, floating on the surface of his perfect world. a world where no deeper feelings come to see the light of day.

things change.

people change.

kageyama didn't know he would change.

the people around him changed. he was no longer surrounded by old teammates, now new faces were looking at him. and... these eyes were piercing him. he easily recognized the face, he could clearly recall the mental dilemma he had after meeting him, but... this time there was nowhere to run. no matter how much he tried to suppress the ripples, each day they got stronger. 

kageyama was forced to take a quick dive into himself only to realize that the warmth this boy was emitting brought a warm breeze into his world. hinata's light quickly and without much effort broke through the wall kageyama had been building for years and suddenly reality came rushing in, like meteors falling into the ocean that sank deeper and deeper.

people around him actually adored him, they actually thought he was skilled and that his efforts had all paid off - they weren't mean about it or sarcastic like he used to think. no, people admired him. his newfound friends cared about him, they believed in him...

he realized just how long he had been floating on the surface, just deep his ocean really was. the deeper he went, the more scared he became and it was at these moments of weakness when kageyama would be lost in his world that hinata's bursts of light and energy would rain down his world. they looked like golden pillars slowly sinking down to the very depths of kageyama.

this warmth inside... these waves in his stomach... what could it be?

he searched for an answer for a while, he chose to accept more and more of the light hinata gave him - his mere speck of the moon became larger and larger. the mist cleared up and suddenly his moon was full, full of injury and imperfections yet so beautiful. and it shined so brightly, the silver beams of light it gave away joined the golden ones already firm in place to build a world at the bottom of the ocean, so rich and so bright...

in hinata's eyes kageyama sparkled like a fellow star, but what he failed to realize was that he was merely a reflection of the light hinata gave him. he was the sun, kageyama was the moon. they were a perfect pair... never meant to be together.

kageyama was afraid.

even if hinata brought life into his world, he was still afraid. hinata was not to be tainted. hinata was perfection itself. hinata was the only one in the world that mattered  and kageyama was afraid of ruining him. he was afraid to lose his light. as he began grasping at his fears he realized how deeply he had fallen...

fallen in love.

hinata was energetic, he was everywhere, the most social butterfly you would see - kageyama could not keep up. hinata's light would burn him just slightly when they were together, like a raging fire it would spread through kageyama and scar his heart. he couldn't bring himself to tell the other how he felt. hinata looked like he needed someone with an energy similar to his, yet all he could offer was a peaceful drift on the surface of water. 

so he stayed quiet.

he was afraid to commit.

to make a choice.

so he chose to drown instead.

as the water entered his lungs, a pain pierced through him.

it was so painful.

yet so relieving.