Clouded Thoughts

It was almost morning, the darkest part of the night just before dawn. And though the sun wasn't up yet, I was because of the thoughts, the same ones that keep me up every night. The same thoughts that make me sleep through the day. And the same thoughts that keep me in this never ending circle of fatigue. A grey cloud that follows me everywhere, and unlike the clouds that float in the sky, this one is heavy and almost drowns me.

Occasionally I feel it clear up, allowing me to feel the scarce sunshine. Yet I hate the sunshine, because it means feeling something. It may be a warm feeling in the moment, but it is always followed by the cold icy rain that sends shivers throughout my body. Drops of rain that stream out of my eyes, occasionally leaving puddles like stains on my pillows. The worst rains are the windy storms that feel heavy in my throat and make breathing difficult. And then finally the clouds dry up having washed away all the pain, leaving only the numbness that follows me everywhere. This cloudy feeling that protects me from feeling, whether it be joy or pain, leaving me with only one goal: to get through the day.

Because everyday my goal is to make it through. Every week, I just want to get through it. Every year, I just want to get through it. I don't look forward to anything, but just finishing it all. And to accomplish the first step, getting through the day, once home from shcool I lay in bed... alone... until sleep claims me.

Then in the middle of the night I wake up with damp cheeks. While I wait for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, which will allow me to stare blankly at the ceiling that I know so well, I go through my thoughts.

"No one cares about me."

"I'm alone."

"I'm useless."

"I make no difference."

"I'm a burden."

"I'm boring."

"I am a coward."

These thoughts that strike like lighting after the moments of sunshine, don't hurt me during these numb moments. They are just facts. I accept them. I have no friends awaiting anything from me, nor do I matter to parents. I don't blame anyone, it's hard to bond with someone who doesn't want anything. With someone that doesn't feel joy. Someone who's face only allows fake smiles. Someone without talent or passions to guide them. Someone blank, with nothing worth knowing about them. A bore.

Not that I have anything to complain about. I have a roof over my head, food, clothes, average grades... I don't lack any essentials. No, I can only blame myself for this feeling. I just wait and hope that life will change. I don't have the energy nor the will anymore, so I just hope things will get better on their own... Because I'm too scared to end life. It's not death that scares me, it's the physical pain that comes with it. On the contrary, death is alluring. I see it as a place where my soul just feels peace. It feels content. No body, just my mind surrounded by darkness... a calming darkness... and night is the closest thing to it. I'm alone and at night there are no expectations to be doing something, to be with someone... No, just a comforting silence and darkness...

Beep, beep, beep, beep!

God I hate that sound. It mean it's seven in the morning and time for another day. As I get up to get ready and look at myself in the mirror, I mouth to myself, "Just get through the day..."