Haikyuu oneshots

Just relax (KuroTsukki)

Ayyy- this is like angst-fluff? Kinda, in this Tsukki has an unlabeled eating disorder which would fall under anorexia and bulimia. Also, this fic doesn't have a 'fix all' happy moment- I want to stress that a lot of mental health issues stay with you your entire life and a lot of people struggle with them way past their teen years.

Narrator's POV

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"There comes a point when your will is exhausted, you tried everything to make something work, and it won't work" - Alan Watts

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When people would describe Tsukishima Kei the words 'cold and quiet' came to mind. Cold, quiet, mean, reserved. Where have you been? Is there something wrong with you? You've been distant. I'm worried about you. You need to get exercise. You should eat something. Wow, are you sure you're going to eat all that?

Just relax.

He can't just relax. He can never relax. He tried to. Of course he tried. He'd been to therapists, talked about himself, kept things to himself, talked to his friends but all of it only brought worry and never fixed anything. He was tired of hunger. Tired of himself. Tired because he could never fall asleep but could never wake up on time. He was tired of hating himself. Deep-seated hate that made rage pass through every bone in his body and hate that boiled his blood and made him want to scream at even the slightest inconvenience.

He was tired. He was mentally exhausted but forced to go on.

Apparently, he's been distant. He didn't think he was being distant. But after a text from Yamaguchi saying he's worried because over the past 3 months he'd been 'cold and reserved' he was confused and hated it. He didn't think he was acting different from how he usually did- but apparently, he'd been acting so different it warranted worry. Tadashi wasn't the only one that was worried either. Kuroo kept saying he could talk to him if he needed to. Between jokes and sharing posts, even Bokuto made the offer. A few months ago Akaashi had been the first to express his concern, reminding him to take care of himself.

He did take care of himself, right? Sure his sleep schedule was erratic, he had medication for it but he rarely took it, he only ate when prompted and on days he slept too late he woke up on the brink of tears as his anxiety took over. But he wasn't depressed. Which meant he must be taking care of himself.

And after all, what right did Tadashi- hell, any of them have to accuse him of getting worse over something as trivial as how much he talked to them?

He had always struggled with his weight. He remembered a 7-year-old version of himself thinking he hated how his stomach looked, a 9-year-old version of himself didn't like his thighs. He remembered a 13-year-old version of himself in near tears when he told his mother he tried to make himself throw up because he hated his body so much- it didn't mean she did anything about it though.

Keeping this to himself was better. No making his friends worry, no disappointment from his parents, wishing for a second they'd care and think that maybe something was wrong behind his aloofness. But he cursed himself, didn't he? If he was asked if he was okay he'd say yes, why wouldn't he be? His parents said he could always talk to them- and while he knew that was a lie to some degree- he never used that offer. He'd grown used to his problems and stopped realizing they were bad.

Normal people don't track calories. Normal people don't stomach 1-2 meals a day- barely 1-2 meals at that. If normal people get hungry or lightheaded or have headaches they don't praise themselves because this is progress they eat and they drink until they feel better. By no means was Kei ever overweight, he'd always been healthy and there were times he was closer to being underweight than over, but the word cursed him.