Sometimes when you grow up especially with the trauma you tend to have to live a life you never thought you would have to. A life where you are always 'dealing' and just trying to survive instead of really living. I tended to just dream of life instead of going and getting it because I am just so focused on trying to stay alive that I forget there is more to life than just being alive. Each moment can vary from me being at my best to being on the verge of falling apart and that is all I can handle sometimes. As I stood there in the market that day all I was focusing on was just getting through the next few seconds, just smiling, breathing, and then soon I would be able to go home to my safe place again. I just had to get through a few more hours I could do this, is all I said to myself over and over again. Just a few more hours, just a few more hours... I sold the food and no one suspected a thing, I was smiling and joking but all I was doing was pretending and focusing on not freaking out in the middle of the town square. Just a little longer, then I can go home, I can get through this. Finally, I could go home, I could go to my safe place I could break, relax, and breathe again. I walked home quickly and when I got home, the moment I opened the door I could breathe again, I was in my safe place, I walked to Sue and just hugged her for a while, and just let my mind and body understand that I was home, Sue was here and everything was ok.
Sue, just held me she rubbed my back and held me, "it's ok sweetheart you are home, you are safe, I am safe, just breathe." She slowly let go and had me sit on the floor and undid my hair it fell down to my hips and she started playing with my hair, massaging my scalp and shoulders and humming a song to help me calm down. Most days I could get through it and I was ok but every now and then I just break and I need her to help me come back to reality, I was safe, and no one was going to hurt me or her. As I sat there shaking and having raspy breaths I closed my eyes and just listened to Sue hum and the feeling of her hands running through my hair and rubbing the tension out of my shoulders. Slowly I was able to breathe without too much work and was able to stand without shaking.
I went to make dinner when Sue stopped me, "you go rest you have been through a lot today I can make us something, ok sweat girl?" I nodded and went and sat by the fire and just stared at it wrapped in a blanket and feeling the warmth, as it slowly made all the cold shivers and fears leave my body and replaced with warmth. I got lost in watching it dance when Sue handed me a bowl of stew I looked up and smiled at her. Thank you Auntie it smells amazing. We talked and relaxed it was always my favorite part of my day was coming home and talking and relaxing with Sue. Sue, was the only family I had left, she is all I had. I am not sure why she has put up with all of the things she has but I am very grateful for her for staying and sitting with me and holding me when I needed it the most. It never mattered when or what it was as long as I needed her she was there. This woman took in a child that wasn't hers and has helped her through all the fear, anxiety, trauma and stopped her from doing anything to harm herself. I have never met another person so willing to stand by me or anyone through it all. No matter how big the storm may seem or how cold the wind and rain are she keeps you warm, safe and makes sure you are not alone even if she doesn't know what to say. She just makes sure you know that you are not fighting alone, you are not standing alone no matter how dark, or scary it gets. I have no idea how, I am going to repay this amazing woman, but I hope one day I can for all she has done for me and for saving my life. That is all I ever needed was just having someone to hold my hand through the storm and help me know, I am not in the thick of it all alone. and that is what she has done for me for a very long time and I am so grateful.
Soon it was time to go to bed I took a bath to help my body relax and then brushed my hair and braided it before I climbed into my bed and fell asleep. I didn't have any dreams or worries that night I was warm, safe, and relaxed it was a great feeling and I got a goodnight's sleep for the first time in a while. All thanks to Sue and her love and her always being a safe place for me to land when the world around me seems too scary and unstable. If I have nothing else at least I have Sue.
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Aligning my own Stars
General FictionI was a girl who went through a lot of pain at a very young age, my parents died, I was taken, abused, after feeling so loved, I was beaten, bruised, and a mess and this is the story of how I chose my own life, my own ending and the path that lead t...
