The next day came all too soon, I remember the night before with laughter, and memories I will hold onto. I made the boys some food and grabbed some things like jerky, and dried fruit. I was just trying to pretend that it was another day instead of the day. The time came all too quickly and I was defiantly not ready, but I had to be, life doesn't stop just because we are afraid, we are not ready. I gave them their food, and lots of hugs, Sue cried and I tried not to. As they left I knew that this was going to be a turning point, if only I knew what direction I would be heading.
As they rode away on their horses, I felt like I was watching a part of me leave with them, for a moment I forgot how to breathe. I cried when they were out of sight and then I reminded myself, I lived without them before I can do it again. We could do it again, honestly, we had no idea if we would even see them again so why was I acting and feeling like this, they were fun visitors (at least that is what I told myself) now they are going home.
Yeah, this sucks, I was in town again selling food, and let's say there are a few people not so happy that they couldn't mess with me for a while, so now I am getting more people messing with me. I was handling it fairly well but I don't think that was helping the situation at least not as much as I could have done. George is being extra creepy, and the kids are being extra sneaky, but the town hookers are probably the ones that are the most annoying because all they want to know is when the boys will be coming back...
All-day it has seemed like everywhere I turn the boys are mentioned, or I see something that reminds me of them, or I get a thought like oh, ya know when I get home I'll have to tell the boys about this... and then I will remember that they went home. it honestly is extremely weird, I just keep having to remind myself that I lived without them before I can do it again.. right? The day seemed to go by so slowly and I was getting extremely annoyed with almost everyone in town, asking about the boys, talking about them, George being a creep, etc. I just couldn't take anymore I was so close to just breaking or heading home early because I just couldn't take this anymore. I wish that I didn't feel this way... I miss them ok! I miss them but there isn't anything I can do about it, after all, they have their own lives, and things they need to do so I need to stop getting so stuck on these boys and what was a fun few weeks but that isn't life not for me.
I finally made it to the end of the day and was packing up to go home, I was about to leave, and all of a sudden I got this wave of emotions I was getting teary-eyed and emotional. what was happening to me, I can't show these emotions here in the middle of town, I can't have a come apart here not like this, not after all these years of practicing holding everything together and dealing with it when I am home, not now not here. I was beginning to be in a state of panic, and so I grabbed our things and rushed home as fast as I could. When I got home the moment I got in the door I broke, Sue came running to me and held me. "Oh, sweet girl... it's ok to feel scared, hurt, and honestly just miss them, they were good men, good people and I miss them too, just relax it is all going to be ok, we will be ok.
They wouldn't want us sad, we don't want us sad so we need to move forward with our lives and hope that we are living the best way we possibly can after all that is all that we can ask of ourselves. You have blocked everyone else out so it is only fair that the first people you let in when they leave it hurts, but that doesn't mean it is a bad thing. It simply means that you cared, you let someone in and you have grown as a person because of that. Each day is an opportunity to grow and these last few weeks you have grown.
I am not sure if we will ever see them again or not but we do need to make sure that we live a life that they would be proud of us for living." as I sat there listing to Sue I knew that she was right but that doesn't mean that it is not hard or that easy but hopefully I will be able to be and show the best of me and of what they taught me.
At that moment I felt I had a new strength and a piece of my heart I thought had been missing came back to me. I had people I could call family, maybe not blood-related. maybe a little damaged but perfect for me. I wasn't as alone as I thought, now another hole in my heart has been filled and I am now a little stronger than I was yesterday and hopefully smarter too.
That night I finally went to bed in peace. I slept for the first time without a nightmare. I felt safe, at home, and stronger than before, with a little less weight on my shoulders and I knew it was all because now I had a new family that loved me. They believed in me, protected me, cried with me and for me, and stood with me when I fought my battles. The last thought before drifting to sleep was please let my new family stay safe.
YOU ARE READING
Aligning my own Stars
General FictionI was a girl who went through a lot of pain at a very young age, my parents died, I was taken, abused, after feeling so loved, I was beaten, bruised, and a mess and this is the story of how I chose my own life, my own ending and the path that lead t...
