we know nothing

6 - Cold air poems

Daniel's POV

that last cold summer morning

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The distorted figure of the creature sitting on the separate bench was white. And enlightened. But she looked so ghostly. So full of unexplained feelings. The girl was lying on that wet bench.

I wondered why I hadn't seen her in all that time. I was thinking about the life that was passing me by, and I was doing nothing to keep it going.

I knew where I was.

But I felt lost.

Confused.

The girl was dressed very strangely and in loose, faded clothes. I was in the football suit. And everything that was happening seemed so confusing. Everything I did.

Who was I really? I felt like nothing. Like steam in the cold air. For life has no concrete explanations from which to really learn anything.

We don't really learn anything.

We deduce them.

But I didn't know anything. Nothing at all. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I wanted.

Sometimes I wondered if everything around me was an illusion, even me. I closed my eyes, and my eyes watered in front of a stranger. I was afraid for my own life.

I wanted to go.

The girl stretched her hands over her head. It was so funny. She touched her neck to see the pages of the book. I didn't see much people reading. It seemed to me that the worlds we live in when we read are also part of my illusion. But it was all a lie. Some people seemed so calm. But also closed at the same time.

Or maybe I was lying.

The girl was reading quietly, and she didn't seem to notice me. I didn't know what I was looking for there. I didn't know why I broke my ball.

Or what excuse I'm going to make this time to sit on the bench at football games. Or to go unnoticed. I hated my life.

Why?

What was all that attention for?

For nothing.

What do I play football for? I certainly wasn't playing for myself. I was playing for someone else and completely different.

Or something. I was sad. I was trying to deny that I was sad. I was trying to lie to myself. How long could I endure this?

No.

The girl had not moved from there, her eyes on the book. I never knew why I had to train on the last day of summer.

I didn't like anything in my life. Because I had everything, but I didn't really have anything. Nothing to hope for. The cold air gripped my nose, and I could smell ice and rain.

And some sort of mint.

I was horrified that I was studying people too much. I was lost in front of myself. In feelings. In everything. And I couldn't find my way back at all. I didn't know where to start.

Or maybe I should have finished.

I opened the zipper again and saw the new ball that was cut. And I was guilty. Everything was cutting me and everything was spinning. I was making a mistake. Who was making mistakes. Too many mistakes.

I also saw the knife. And I was shaking a little.

Or maybe more. The sun is moving from side to side. People were going from side to side. The clouds were moving.