we know nothing

12 - Football player

Daniel's POV

school

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There was no room for me in that school either, because I felt as if my world had collapsed.

All my friends had such a perfect life. And I felt like a black hole, a hole that absorbed even my soul that was empty. Simply empty.

But I was fine, I had to put that thought in my head.

Even though I wasn't really.

I was a disappearing heart.

I was a lost soul.

Or I was nothing.

I was playing with my own life.

I wanted to cry, but I was at school. The boys don't cry.

I rubbed my cold palms against my closet, and pulled out my books.

I wanted to throw them everywhere. Get rid of them all. Just be me and me, because I wanted to know what was happening to me.

Or maybe nothing was happening.

I was just crazy. And I was thinking about it nonstop. I thought that time was passing, and all the sensations I was experiencing were too sensitive. I didn't want to grow up, I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to be stuck in something that existed only in my lost memory, a nameless memory.

Why was I thinking only of myself?

I had days when I didn't sleep. I had nights when I just wanted to fall asleep and I couldn't.

I was coming to school, and all the boys on the football team were asking me what was wrong with me.

"Dude, what's going on with you? Are you even alive?"

I was afraid of my own family. when I heard footsteps in the hall of the house, I wanted to hide.

I was afraid of my father. My own father, and I didn't realize how scared I was of him until it was very clear that I just had to do what he wanted.

I was afraid he would come at me and beat me.

But I answered the boys very dryly, with lies. Always.

Even Briann, my friend, had given up on me.

Just like everyone else.

But the world was chaos. And nothingness is yet-to-be-born God of the chaos. The world.

I was a senior. Four entire years I just followed the rules. But that thing, the good boy was about to change a bit. I needed to take risks, or I was becoming part of the nothingness.

Everyone went to class, and I was in the hallway. And I was thinking about what I did. Because I knew it wasn't good. There was no one in the hall. No stray students. Nothing.

I was in the hallway chair, and I ran my hands through my hair. My ears were burning.

I think I had a death wish.

I was sitting with a white sheet, immaculate in my hand. And I didn't realize what I had just done.

I was thinking about all the dreams I had had before. But I realized that none of them were true. None of them were real, honestly. They were just there. Some dreams imprinted in my mind, like a robotic mechanism. But I didn't want to be a robot anymore.

What was I going to do?

What had I just done?

A heart that does not want true dreams is like a fairy without wings.